Funky junkie vs. Soccer Mom
Last week I wrote about feeling like the pharmacist thought I was a junkie looking to score more Lunesta than the insurance company would allow. So I lamented and then came to the following conclusion.
“Although now that I’ve said the word “junkie” enough times it sound kinda cool. I’m a funky junkie. I’m fun. I’m funky. And junkie rhymes with funky.
I guess if I had to choose, I’d rather be a funky junkie than a soccer mom. “
And then Cate left a comment asking me to clarify what soccer mom meant to me and why I would rather be a drug addict than a soccer mom.
So Cate, this one’s for you.
I guess it boils down to stereotypes, right? Soccer mom has such a dowdy connotation. Immediately I think of high-waisted jeans and white Reebok tennis shoes. I’m not sure if anyone is actually manufacturing high-waisted jeans anymore but I’m sure I’ve run across a few pairs at the Salvation Army.
I steer clear of those.
But that’s not to say I’m into low-rise hip huggers, either. Junkies don’t wear hip huggers. I don’t think they have any hips to hug, what with the drugs overriding the appetite. Which brings me to my next stereotypical conclusion. Soccer moms got back, most of the time.
Junkies do not.
Yes, I’m a slave to my temple. I’m trying to keep the drywall intact and the rooms neat and tidy. I want to keep this body well within the normal BMI range. Actually I’d like to skew on the side of low-normal but it doesn’t seem to be happening anymore.
If cocaine didn’t have crazy side effects like addiction, possible brain damage and death and if it were legal I think I’d take some daily for weight control. But I wouldn’t want to sniff it cause that seems weird and uncomfortable and I definitely wouldn’t want to inject it with a needle (is that even how it’s done?) So if I
were
going to
take cocaine, someone
would have
to come up
with a tasty gummy
bear made of the stimulant.
And if it were legal, it would be covered by my prescription drug plan. For sure I would stop taking it when I hit my goal weight. I don’t want to be cocaine-skinny, just thin enough to make me stand out from the soccer moms.
So junkies are skinny and I’m down with that.
Soccer moms get all fanatical about their kids and refuse to believe Junior could be at all responsible for the skirmish at school. There’s no talking to a soccer mom about her kid’s behavior because she believes it is above reproach.
Now a funkie junkie realizes a deal may go bad and it can be anyone’s fault. That dude is not going to hang around and argue about the details.
Shet happens, right?
It’s the same with kids. Sometimes both of them are equally responsible and both of them need to go to jail. I mean go to time out and deal with the consequences. Junkies realize life is a gamble and sometimes you lose. That’s a chance they’re willing to take.
But mostly, I think, a funky junkie walks a somewhat solitary line. Clearly I am using an analogy here.
I don’t want to live like a drug addict, but neither do I want to be a stereotypical dowdy Mom who rarely sees past her own front yard. Like Caine who walked the earth in Kung Fu, I am a chick who seems to walk alone and I am trying to be cool with that.
In a non-confrontational way, I want to be an individual who is not lumped into the pack. I want to mostly fit in, but reside one step left of center. To me the soccer mom is one of a herd of many and can be self-righteous and narrow minded. She can also be uppity and exclusive creating a clique that does not easily accept others.
My kind of junkie realizes all of us stumble and most of us fall. And if there’s a hole in the knee of my jeans, the funky junkie can relate and still makes small talk with me.
And that is why I prefer to be a funky junkie, Cate.
sign me up for the funky junkie club. this post was so entertaining it actually distracted me from the pain i was feeling this morning. i get my crack right here.
“if I were going to take cocaine, someone would have to come up with a tasty gummy bear made of the stimulant.”
if you find a supplier, call me. i don’t need to be skinny, i’d just like to see my abs.
I love the idea of Cardiogirl Crack — like it’s Hershey’s Chocolate. This is no ordinary crack we have here, this is premium Cardiogirl crack. There’s no filler, just 100% funky quirky crack. Proceed with caution.
Squeee! I feel so honoured to have got a whole post dedicated to me!
High waisted jeans with Reeboks? Ugh. No wonder.
Let me tell you something, Cardiogirl, from personal experience (in a life you know I left behind what feels like ages ago now): cocaine never made anyone look good. Skinny maybe, but wrong wrong wrong. So if anyone ever offers it to you in gummy bear form, remember that there’s a LOT more to good-lookin’ than BMI.
I love how you see the positive in the junkie’s attitude, though. That’s cool.
And as for the soccer mom? That’s not for me either, no siree ; )
This was fun! Maybe more people will ask me questions and I’ll get more posts out this line of thinking. I know, I’m way too cautious to ever even try a teeny, tiny safe dose, if there is such a thing. I don’t suppose there’s a safe does of coke, eh?
Hey, maybe one of these days you’ll be a British Funky Junkie but I have to come up with a cool, European spelling. Maybe a G instead of a J for junkie. Like a Funky Gunkie. Naw, that’s looks like gunk. Hmm, I’ll have to keep my thinking hat on.
uh cate, hi it’s me, natural. it’s a good thing CG does a good job at spreading her love around in the VIP section or I would be so jealous of your dedicated post. :)
off to shine my gold star. never mind me, i’m on advil.
(Laughs. Opens mouth to say something but laughs again.) Natural you are *my* crack. Thanks for giving me that mellow high on a regular basis. Now not to criticize, but I think you missed a spot on the fourth tine of the star. Down there on the left.
(Cranes neck.) Yes! Right there. Perfect!
Ya, in that stereo-type way, I’ve noticed that a lot of soccer mom types seem to try too hard to appear to have the perfect life/husband/family…so annoying. I mean we all know your kid has his/her moments too. And we all know your husband was at the strip club looking at the junkie grinding on the pole. Let’s not be too uppity about things.
Isn’t it crazy — that facade. Anyone with children knows the other mother is clamming up and not sharing the slightly stained laundry. But we all know we ALL have some stains on the shirt sleeves. Some of us just don’t wear a long sleeve sweater to cover them up.
CG you are my hero! I love the ” I want to be an individual who is not lumped into the pack. I want to mostly fit in, but reside one step left of center. ” Personally my goal is more 2-3 steps left of center but what a great way to describe it.
I don’t know about the cocaine, but I’m trying another stimulant (adderall / amphetamine) that should help with my weight in addition to it’s real purpose (my mood & possible ADDness). I agree with Cate and you should stay away from the coke flavored gummy bears :)
Oh Buf (swipes hand) go on! Thanks (blushes). It’s no fun being a cookie cutter of the same chick to front and the back. Right? And there are so many other people who are a couple steps away from center yet it’s so hard to find those peeps in real life. That’s part of why I love the Lounge so much. My peeps are free to show me their dance steps.
I’m sure they would never get the grape flavor right on the coke gummy bears and I am one picky mofo when it comes to the food I eat. So no problem there.
AWESOME response and post. I bow to your blogginess.
“Yes, I’m a slave to my temple. I’m trying to keep the drywall intact and the rooms neat and tidy. ” he he he!
Paul
Paul you are much too kind! Thank you. I like having blogginess. Baby got blogg.
Soccer moms give me hives yikes and they kinda scare me. I mean one on one conversations is o.k. but you get a whole group of them and it’s back to High School. Funky Junkie Moms we can stand up and be proud!
Although I sure wouldn’t mind some of those cocaine bears, baby’s got back over here and just imagine all the mind numbing tasks you could just zip right through.
Yes! Alone they are fine but in a pack it’s *exactly* like high school. I imagine things would be immaculate over here after a coupla cokey bears. Laundry folded and put away, floor scrubbed with a toothbrush, rafters dusted.
*applause*
I feel you on that one, CG!
Thanks Angelika. It looks like I have my own cyber army of Funky Junkies. Sweet!
Here is the question I think is the most important:
Do the cocaine gummy bears that are legal and have no health ramifications attached to them also taste delicious?
I think they need to, so in my bag could you please only put the clear kind that tastes like pineapple and the red ones? Also, maybe some chocolate form of cocaine? Yes? No? Maybe?
You know it’s funny you mention that Mrs. S. I was actually thinking of the Calcium Gummy Bears from Costco that my kids eat. They are literally coated in sugar and they taste mighty fine.
I actually take one of those daily. I don’t think picture does them justice, though. You can’t really see the sugar. Plus they are more the consistency of a fruit snack rather than those traditional gummy bears.
Hi cardiogirl!
Regarding numb feet on the elliptical …. I had switched to Reeboks and this turned out to be the problem! They just weren’t supporting my feet well enough. I went back to my beloved New Balance (sorry!) and it helped a lot. I think it had to do with foot support. I found online other people commenting that this happened when their shoes needed replacing.
Also, I found something funny for you & will send it to you if you want & want to email me an address you’re comfortable with. It’s a change purse that looks like a converse shoe, LOL.
That’s so amazing to me, that the culprit was the shoe. Amazing because just my left foot bothers me. I’m telling you my left leg is starting to revolt over here. I already have to wear a knee brace since I stretched the ligament with years of sitting with just my left knee bent out indian-style. My left ankle started squeaking recently while I was striding away on the elliptical. And my left foot has consistently been screaming with the numbness.
Wouldn’t that be something if I got new shoes and ALL of my left leg issues went away?
And regarding THIS post…
“why would you rather be a drug addict than a soccer mom”?
She is SUCH a soccer mom. Bleh.
Believe it or not, she doesn’t have kids and in the long ago past she dabbled in the junkie part. That’s why she was asking.
I’m sure SMs are perfectly nice people, but I have trouble relating to the ones in my area. They are usually sahms that spend half their day working out and the other half driving their kids to the five activities stacked up every day (whether it’s soccer or something else). And they constantly talk about how frenetic their lives are, and what their kids accomplished on the athletic field.
They dress differently than the ones you described, too. They seem to find the styles that were hip for teen girls about a year ago and jump on it. For example, 3 years ago edgy teens were wearing black nail polish. It became mainstream teen about 2 years ago. Now soccer moms around here are just starting to wear it. Which means it’s no longer fashionable for anyone else.
Oh, I want out of suburbia.
Oh no. These chicks are wearing black nail polish? That’s an entirely different animal. However, it sounds like they hail from the rich suburbs and homey don’t live anywhere near the wealthy suburbs.
However, I have seen those kinds of chicks at the super expensive mall a couple cities over. The super expensive mall has Nordstroms, Saks Fifth Avenue and those kinds o’ boutiques. And the chicks dress up for the mall and have lots of makeup on. It’s like the Stepford Mall and there is a strong semi-senior population of ladies. They look like the kind of 50 to 60-something ladies I imagine hanging out at the country club.
I also imagine they speak with clenched jaws, like Thurston Howell the Third did. Yup, I live by stereotypes.
In contrast, our mall has Footlocker and Sears. Just to give you some perspective about where I reside.
Oh man, Wendy *so* misunderstood my original comment, huh? Oh well.
Of course this could be taken as rather controversial but I would argue that there is indeed a small, safe dose that would do you no harm indeed. But let’s not even go there, eh? ;)
Yes she did. I’m much too timid to go there, even if I was absolutely positively guaranteed I’d still be too freaked out to try it.
You have a High Five from me HERE.
You are too much, Angelika! Thanks chica — or is that funky junkie?
I don’t really fit in with many other SAHMs that I know either. I don’t sign my kid up for every single activity, I don’t brag about my kids constantly, and my house isn’t museum-quality. But I like to think that I’m giving my kids a much better childhood than the other SAHMs do because I spend time with my kids, and I play with them, and I genuinely enjoy them. I think that’s the difference between me and most stereotypical soccer moms. I had kids because I wanted them, not because it’s the Thing to Do.
So I guess you’ll just have to include me in the Funky Junkie club, if you don’t mind.
You *know* you’re in my club, clutch dawg! You’re my Vice President — my right hand junkie! And you wear your funky very well, I might add.
I like back!
Is that right? You’re like an onion with many layers, Joe.
[...] few pounds, 20 to be exact. Before I continue, I’m not obsessive about my appearance, “I’m [just] trying to keep the drywall intact and the rooms neat and tidy.” Side story: A coworker noticed1 that I was wearing my pedometers2 and she said, [...]
I’m glad to know I misunderstood Cate originally. I was picturing manicured nails and bleach-blonde hair and nasal talking. How fun that it was the opposite!
I just moved to suburban hell – where we lived before the schools were SO bad (imagine an elementary school closing for a day due to gang threats!) that we paid through the nose to be in the BEST neighborhood with the BEST schools.
Hmmmm…. gang violence vs. over-manicured hyper moms… I no longer know which I would choose…
No harm, no foul Wendy. I’m not a sports fan but I think that means we’re all cool like little Fonzies. I cannot believe that the *elementary school* was closed due to gang threats. Damn, that is one tough city. The kids who make it out of that school… Well, I don’t know what they’ll be like. Glad you made it out!
And in that scenario I think I’d suck it up and wear nail polish. Maybe.