Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts.

Today’s question comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

And here it is, Question 174.

How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends to you feel will still be important to you ten years from now?

Hmm, I would say a scant handful. I can think of three people — Karen, Tonya and Carmen — and they are listed chronologically. We talked about Karen, Purveyor of All That is Good and Fun, on Wednesday. We must have been friends for at least 30 years. I told you it’s sketchy for me whether we met in fourth or sixth grade, so I’m going to split the difference and assume we were around 10.

Fun fact about Karen which was more of a fun fact for me, but which sucked for her. Sorry about that Karen. Karen went to college in California her freshman year. She might have gone there her sophomore year as well, but by the time she was a junior she’d come back to Michigan and finished up at U of M.

Anyway in California she lived with her grandma and the relationship was, uh, strained. And so she became Karen With the Grandma Who Hates Her when I talked about her to my friends at college. She sort of became the Bob Saccamano to my Kramer, only I’m not nearly as tall as Kramer and my hair is not as fuzzy.

I met Tonya my freshman year of college through sheer luck and serendipity. We both roomed blind which meant we threw caution to the wind and let fate decide who our roommate(s) would be.

We were thrown in a room with a third chick who turned out to hate my guts. I’m still not positive why but legend has it that Tonya actually talked that chick into staying in our room the entire year.

She wanted to move out after the first term ended. Wow.

So we met when we were 18 and our birthdays are one week apart and are never jacked up by Leap Year. Isn’t that awesome? If her birthday is on Saturday, my birthday is on Saturday.

She’s a week older than me so her birthday dictates the day of the week. We’re both Aquarius (Aquari?) and our birthdays are on Monday next year, just in case you wondered.

Completing my friendship trifecta is Carmen. I met her in college as well, but I think we were seniors. I’m pretty sure we met at The State News which is the award-winning student newspaper at Michigan State. It’s online now and I can’t even imagine what working there would be like (dusts off her fedora with the sign that says “Press” on the front.)

Anyway, we seemed to hit it off right away and the vines of fate intertwined our lives long after we graduated from college. I met Mr. C in May of 1993 and Carmen got married in September of 1993. I was invited to the wedding, naturally, and I invited Mr. C to come with me.

A lot was resting on that date and I was really looking forward to it. So I wowed him by dressing up and slapping on a little lipstick. Off we went to the wedding and soon after we walked into the reception hall, Mr. C’s eyes lit up in surprise and recognition as he hugged a short, middle-aged woman.

That woman was his Aunt Mary Lou. And she was a teacher at the same school where Carmen’s mother was the principal. And as a child, Carmen was pen pals with Mr. C’s sister. How wild is that?

She gave me advice on how to reel Mr. C in and the rest is history.

Ours is a long distance friendship which seems impervious to space and time. Like a quilt I’m working on, I can set that friendship down mid-stitch with the needle secured in the fabric for a year or two at a time and then start stitching right where I left off. I don’t know how or why that’s possible, but it is and I really value that.

Those three are charter members of the East Coast Soljahs* and I am positive we will be friends for the rest of my life.

Viva la Soljahs!

*I just made that gang name up. Well, I went to GangNames.net and used their random gang name generator. It was between Nuclear Gang and East Coast Soljahs and you know which one I went with.

It’s fun because we don’t have a name like that at all. In fact those three don’t really know each other. They know of each other, I think, but they don’t hang together.

It’s possible you may have noticed I have a thing about germs. I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a genuine germophobe, my focus is on sharing items that go inside one’s mouth.

I’m not sharing my drink, you cannot use my fork to try a piece of my cheesecake and if you
even
think about
using my toothbrush
I will
cut you —
that’s a promise not
a threat.if you even think about using my toothbrush I will cut you — that’s a promise not a threat.

My mouth is a no-fly zone. I’m not quite sure where this comes from but I have a solid idea of how it originated.

I was the youngest of six kids and there was lots o’ competition growing up. A new bag of Oreos lasted roughly 37.8 seconds in that house.

And when supply is low and demand is high certain folks will go to great lengths to secure the product.

Which means my brother and all of my sisters would grab a cookie and lick it to declare ownership. I have many, many memories of someone snatching a cookie or candy bar, licking it and then setting it down on the table in front of me with a look of smug satisfaction.

Sweep the Leg, just thinking about that disgusts me. If it’s not what I deem pristine it’s not seeing the inside of my pie hole.

I feel so strongly about this that I told the priest who married us I was not interested in receiving the Blood of Christ during Communion at our wedding.

Bold, yes, but necessary. I cannot handle backwash; I just cannot stomach that.

Before you ask, I do not know why it’s okay for the priest’s meaty paws to handle the host and then place it in my mouth. It is what it is.

But back to our wedding, the priest was fine with that and made a mental note. What he did not tell me was that, as the bride, I would drink FIRST from the cup.

And he also forgot that I wasn’t partaking. Until he approached me, extended the cup, remembered and then pulled the cup away and gave it to Mr. C. In front of the congregation. While we were sitting in profile in front of the altar.

So it’s not like our backs were to our friends and family. Nope. Everyone was able to see me reject the Blood of Christ even though it went directly from the pitcher into the chalice.

Many thanks Father, I appreciate that.

Cut to present times. My kids and I go to the same dentist and our six-month check ups are scheduled a couple of weeks apart. And when you go to the dentist, they usually give you a handy dandy bag that contains a new toothbrush, a small tube of toothpaste and a container of floss.

Katie had her check up in August and received a purple toothbrush with the dentist’s name printed on the handle.

I had my check up in September and received a purple toothbrush with the dentist’s name printed on the handle.

The very same purple toothbrush that Katie received. We all share the same toothbrush holder in the bathroom. So you can see my problem.

Why not buy a different toothbrush from Meijer, Cardiogirl? Because I am also a cheapskate. I felt the need to use the free toothbrush for the next six months. But Katie is using her toothbrush for the next six months as well.

So I wrapped a rubber band around the handle and had a come to Jesus talk with Katie.

I told her to please, please pay attention to which toothbrush she was using each night and each morning. Hers has no rubber band and yet our toothbrushes look the same. I showed her both toothbrushes so she could see exactly what I was talking about.

I begged her to stay away from my toothbrush and told her I was as serious as a heart attack. The expression on her face told me that she clearly understood what I was asking and she is a classic first-born so she is an ardent rule-follower. Thank God for small favors.

And she has been using her own toothbrush every time.

How do I know she’s been using her own toothbrush. Every single time? Because, unfortunately, she needs serious prompting to brush her teeth so I am always standing next to her when she picks up her toothbrush.

And I feel the bristles of my own toothbrush before I use it to make sure they’re dry.

Naturally I don’t want to pass on my neuroses to my kid. So when she asks me why I slide my thumb over the bristles, every time I pick it up without fail, I gave her my pat answer. “I’m just making sure there are no small pieces of food stuck in the bristles from the last time I brushed my teeth. I think that’s gross.”

So she does the same thing to her toothbrush now. And I consider that a win-win.

I have but one remaining friend from elementary school and her name is Karen, Purveyor of All That is Good and Fun, but she allows me to simply call her Karen.

It feels like we met in fourth grade but I am positive we’ve been brothers in arms from sixth grade on. She and I were in Mr. Tyler’s class in sixth grade and I remember learning the alphabet in sign language so we could talk while he was up at the chalkboard.

As I recall, we would spell a word and then swipe the air to indicate the beginning of the next word. Naturally Mr. Tyler hated it when we did that, I can’t imagine why.

I’m pretty sure he was a recent transplant from the Deep South so he had a strong Southern accent. When he was pissed off his accent became extremely pronounced and I vividly remember his face getting red with frustration, which seemed to happen quite often.

Sweep the Leg, why would anyone want to be a junior high teacher?

Anyway, when he caught someone acting up in class he employed the Army Method of Punishment. If one person disrupted the class the whole class was going to be punished. No one liked that, but I’ve got to say I’ve employed that method more than once with my own children. It’s pretty effective here at Cardiogirl Manor.

It seems like he was all talk and no action most of the time, but his threat was always, always, “If ya’ll don’t stop, ahm gone go tell Coach! Ahm gone tell Coach!”

I do remember him saying that all the time, but I didn’t remember what would happen if he actually did tell Coach. Further I don’t remember a coach of any sort in that school.

So I turned to Karen and this is how our email conversation went.

____

Hey Karen,

Who was “Coach” as in, “I’m gonna go tell Coach.” I know Tyler said it all the time but even back then I didn’t know who the hell he was talking about.

We were still in Anderson, weren’t we? Was there a Coach at Anderson?

Do tell.

Cardiogirl
____

Yes indeed there was a coach at Anderson. Remember trying to climb the dreaded rope? I don’t remember his name, but I remember that he was a relatively young guy. My memory was that he was in his thirties, but he could have been in his twenties since that would have seemed “old” to us at that age. (We’re both 41.)

Tyler’s idea of telling coach was that coach would make us do laps around the gym as punishment. I think he actually had us do that a few times, but I’m not sure.

Karen
____

Yes, I remember that hellish rope. God that’s a post right there although I don’t really remember more than standing on the knot and trying to jump while pulling my body up. Period.

Never got any higher than that and what the hell was wrong with that coach not trying to give suggestions on HOW TO CLIMB THAT EFFER?

I cannot believe that I have zero memory of a person, much less a coach, during the gym class. I always want to think it was the junior high coach Mr. E something, like Eisenhauer but that’s not it.

Remember it was him or that mean lady (Miss F something) in junior high who everyone said was having an affair with that scum bucket Wilkinson?

Now that you’ve mentioned running laps that seems vaguely familiar. It was on the very outside of the gym floor, right next to the walls, wasn’t it? And it makes total sense that Tyler was threatening to make us run laps if we didn’t get in line.

Man he must have hated his job as a teacher.

Cardiogirl
____

(Later email from me after some serious contemplation)

I remembered! The gym teacher’s name in junior high was Eichbauer. Man I was so proud of myself. I thought of it driving home from school yesterday and actually said it out loud, “Eichbauer!”

Yeah!

Cardiogirl
____

That’s amazing that you can remember that. I had the female teacher Ms. F-whatever. You’d think I would remember her name because I HATED her. She gave me a D one semester. Total Evil Bitch.

Karen
____

She seriously gave you a D. In GYM? She was a Total Evil Bitch. Damn. I truly want to remember her name. It will eat at me for quite some time but it’s going to be extra difficult because I know I never had her so her name is just ancillary information floating in my head.

Whereas Eichbauer’s name was primary, necessary information tucked away in the folds of my mind.

Cardiogirl

____

Fiola. Ms. Fiola. I’m pretty sure that was her name. Evil woman. Another chesnut from that period: We all had to lie on the floor with our feet in the air as she checked us for warts. Guess who had one? Yep, I had a damn planter’s wart on my foot and she announced it to the whole class. Ahhhh, memories.

Karen
____

Karen you are awesome! I was just pouring my coffee thinking, ‘What was her name?! Fine, Feeney?’ And here you are providing the answers. Stellar job.

Uh, that is seriously messed up. WTF? You had to lie on the floor, barefoot, with your feet in the air? I am so glad I had Eichbauer.

Cardiogirl
____

(Later email from me after some more intense contemplation)

I really am curious about her checking your, uh, bare feet. Where did you lie for her to inspect?

Cardiogirl
____

Oh Fiola! That evil woman. She had us all lie on the gym floor, barefoot, with our feet in the air. Then she “examined” our feet by pressing on the bottom of our feet with her car keys! Yes!

Karen
____

Karen, I have not burst out laughing like that in a long time. That was a turbo laugh. Her car keys, eh?

Cardiogirl
____

I knew you must be laughing…they could have been work keys :) :) but you get the idea.

Karen
____

That’s really nuts. I can’t believe she was allowed to do that.

Cardiogirl
____

Scarred for life…

Karen
____

I think I might have some PTSD by association from that.

Cardiogirl
____

Yeah, I wonder if teachers still get away with shit like that today.

Karen
____

Aaand scene.