Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

I like it when a celebrity shares some inside information, but only if it’s something most of the general public can relate to. I’m not feeling LeAnn Rimes’ pain because everyone thinks she’s anorexic.

But I digress. I can only think of two celebrities who’ve come clean with some information that I think is useful.

Kathy Griffin

You’ve probably seen the sharp-tongued redhead on Bravo but if not, she’s a comedian who relentlessly skewers A-list stars. I do cringe as I laugh because she does decimate them but, apparently, that doesn’t stop me from watching.

Anyway, she’s had her fair share of plastic surgery that she openly admits to. Right there she gains a lot of credibility with me. She’s honest about it instead of saying she just has good genes.

And while I’m on my soapbox, I also appreciated her stand-up bit about celebrities and dieting. You know the drill, most celebrities will say they eat whatever they want and never gain weight since they “just have good genes.”

Kathy calls bullshit on that and so do I. Her own method of dieting goes like this — frustration and starvation. She’s frequently quoted as saying, “I’m hungry all the time and I’m cranky.” Finally, some honesty in Hollywood.

Regardless, she’s tangled with liposuction in the past and it did not go well for her. She had some nasty complications that included a bad infection and a week-long catheter. And after she recovered she said she didn’t see any difference in her body!

What impressed me was that she didn’t go on a crusade to stop liposuction. She just pointed out that every procedure has risks and then, years later, underwent lipo again with good results. I’m positive I wouldn’t have gone through that again but I admire her for telling it like it is.

Patricia Heaton

The only other person who’s spoke sincerely, in my opinion, is Patricia Heaton. She played Ray’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” On the show her character had three kids that included a set of twins. In reality she had four kids via four C-sections and then she had a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. (It’s crazy to hear about a breast reduction in California, isn’t it?)

You know why she did it? This is what she told People Magazine: “Vanity. I mean it. Vanity.”

Bravo, Patricia Heaton! You get a one-woman standing ovation. She owns it, gingah. She didn’t like how her body looked and so she made a change. She did not tell the world that she did 1,000 crunches every day for three months to get a flat stomach.

Total side note: I just thought of this, how much does a tummy tuck cost? Unless your doctor is willing to massage the insurance forms, all of these procedures have to be deemed cosmetic and optional. As far as I know, there’s no insurance company that pays out based on vanity.

I know. These are celebrities with tons of disposable income. Buying cheek implants is probably like upsizing that McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

So tell me, are there any celebrities out there whose honesty you admire?

Oy vey. I’m never getting a cat; it’s just not in the cards for me. Why, you ask? Because my oldest kid has asthma and is allergic to cats but you probably already knew that.

These days my middle kid is flirting with asthma. It’s definitely not as severe as my oldest kid’s but it’s questionable and that is why we visited my old buddy the allergist. It seems my middle kid occasionally feels like an elephant is sitting on her chest and when that happens puffing on the oldest kid’s inhaler seems to help.

Sounds like an open and shut case, right? Wrong. Her symptoms are not consistent, I cannot find a trigger of any sort and I’m wondering if the inhaler is having a placebo effect on her. The doctor agreed but did not discount her tight chest so we left with a peak flow monitor, a spacer and an inhaler.

That was almost it until he looked up her prescription history on the computer and discovered the pediatrician had prescribed Flonase nasal spray in the spring. “Does she have allergies?” he asked.

“I’m not sure; she sneezes a lot in the spring.”

“Let’s do a scratch test before you leave,” he said.

Have you ever had a scratch test? It’s not really a scratch. It’s more of digging-a-needle-in-the-skin-and-then-scraping-it-back-out test. Four rows of six on her back.

The results came back like this: allergies to all trees, leaves and pollen which is why she sneezes a lot in the spring. The next row on her back showed up as dust mites. And row three was the domestic cat. Damnation.

So in addition to never having a cat again, I now have to worry about dust mites making a shanty town in the bed skirts. I also need to buy a few mattress covers for two mattresses and two box springs since she shares a room with her younger sister who, as of yet, is not allergic to cats or dust mites.

Now that I’m going on a shopping spree maybe I should break the bank and buy some satin pillowcases while I’m at it. Although those things are pretty slippery, aren’t they? I don’t need her sliding out of bed in the middle of the night, banging her head on the floor and spiraling into an asthma attack.

I’ll just keep using cotton pillowcases and wait for those dust mites to trigger an attack.

At least then I won’t have to deal with a concussion.