Things I think would suck, part 6
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As you’ve no doubt guessed, I have five previous editions of Things I think would suck. It’s almost been three months since my last edition, so it’s time to update the ever-expanding list.
A world with no sarcasm.
Is this not self-explanatory? If we have no sarcasm we have no hope.
Buying a new pair of boots that you love, walking on cloud nine while you wear them to stomp through snow and slush and then realizing — two minutes into the walk — that the left one makes your sock twist and turn until it’s firmly placed in the arch of your foot exposing your heel yet still covering your toes.
I’ve tried to adjust my gait to fix this problem and nothing’s working. I haven’t worn a pair of boots in many years; I have a few pairs of low-tops dedicated to fighting snow and salt stains. But I have to tiptoe through water in an attempt to keep 72% of my foot dry.
So I decided this was my year — the Winter of Cardiogirl.
I bought some snappy boots from Zappos and ran, with abandon through snow, ice and slushy puddles until I fell on my ass because I slipped on the ice. Then I down shifted into walking carefully over the ice but I still splash through puddles with nary a care in the world. It’s so refreshing to wear a pair of boots without first having to slip a plastic bread bag over each foot.
So they’re awesome except for that damn sock-twisting thing. I don’t want my boots to suck.
Having to refresh the school closings page every two minutes to make sure today is not a snow day.
The weatherman was all a twitter yesterday predicting a day of constant snow with accumulations up to six inches. We got two inches yesterday. Yes, it took an hour to drive home from school but that’s because the plows hadn’t come out yet.
Last month we had a snow day because we received four inches of snow the night before. The salt trucks had all night to clear the roads, but school was closed. And then, it was closed again the next day.
Kind of for the hell of it, I think, because all of the schools in every other county around us were open.
I. Was. Furious.
So I’m expecting a snow day and I’m already pissed off. In the last 40 minutes the list of school closings has gone from six to 27. Every time I click refresh I think, “No whammies, no whammies! Please Lord, no whammies today.“
Tags: Things that are definitely not cool, Things that get on my very last nerve
I’m with you on a world without sarcasm. I think there are two kinds of sarcasm. The first is where you just say “yes, I do enjoy having someone drive their car over my foot”, without any kind of inflection. Anyone can be sarcastic like this. And then there’s the kind that leaves the other person wondering, because one is so arch in one’s delivery. For example, if I didn’t know you, I might have wondered if you were being sarcastic when you said “a world without sarcasm”.
I’ve named my new car Oscar, after Oscar Wilde, the undisputed Queen of Sarcasm.
Re boot, have you tried a pair of insoles? I think it must be friction between the fabric of the shoe and your sock. If the grain* of the fabric is going the wrong way, it might be slowly tugging your sock down your foot.
*There is a correct word for this, but I don’t know what it is offhand.
Is it called bias instead of grain? When I quilt with cotton fabric if you pull it up or down it’s taut, but if you pull it diagonally there’s some give to it and that is called the bias. LOVE your new car! Doesn’t matter what it looks like, I like that it’s Oscar.
Bias: yes! Home Ec FTW.
Loving the green Converse, by the way.
Wow, this conversation about quilting and the merits of bias versus grain is riveting. I thank the Lord above for every day that He gives me as a blogger.
Oooh, I hope we can discuss mitered corners tomorrow!!
@Solomon I had to Google FTW (thought it might be a misspelling of for the wecord — like Elmer Fudd was saying it.) And when I figured it out I gave you a virtual high five.
It’s like we were on the $25,000 Pyramid. “This is for the win — the topic is Home Ec.”
@K2 So that’s why you’ve taken up residence over here.
@lin Mitered corners really are a bitch, sister. It took me forever to learn how to do them. For a long time I did square corners and those are bulky and they suck.
Boots – as un-trendy as they are I go with the ugg boot – or pretend ugg boot that the local supermarket sell because I have chunky calves that don’t fit in normal boots lol. However my current pair sprung a leak so I end up with wet socks alot of the time!
We rarely got snow days when I was at school :(
I wore my Uggs last winter when we had two separate blizzards, because I didn’t realize till after the first one that they’re not really waterproof for shoveling snow. By that point there were no more boots in stores or online, so I sucked it up till after the snow had passed. THEN I bought a pair of rain boots with fleece liners to put in them, and I’m hoping we get more than an inch of snow at some poin tthis winter so I can properly test them out.
@ Han — I’m compelled to point out that you don’t like like a woman who would have problems with chunky calves. That said, it’s a troubling problem, and I don’t mean to diminish it in any way.
@ Erin — Where do you live that you haven’t received an inch of snow yet? I thought things were bad here in Colorado.
@Han I prefer Uggs over Crocs. That is, if I have to choose between two shoe trends that I don’t really like. I swear we never had Snow Days when I was a kid.
The reason is because the Superintendent of Schools lived across the street from the high school where his office was located. If he could get to his office — even if he walked — we had school.
@Erin Why is it that the fashion industry will not sell weather-appropriate clothes at the correct time of the year. Need a bathing suit? Better head to the mall in February.
Gloves and boots? Those’ll be gone by November.
@K2 Chunk is in the eye of the beholder. I’m sure Han’s calves are spectacular but like most women she questions how she looks.
I think Erin is on the east coast around Virginia or DC.
Yup, suburbs outside of DC. We got maybe an inch and a half total on Tuesday. Just enough for the roads to be slick, but not really enough to warrant making my husband go outside at 11 pm to shovel the driveway ;)
Got a new, worse-than-Uggs-and-Crocs-combined footwear trend for you … these things are even worse than the Floots.
YES! DC for the win!
I actually saw those sticker things the day before you left this comment (woefully behind in answering comments over here.)
GAH! It makes my toes curl to jest imagine what those must feel like. No. Thank you.
hehe not so much chunky calves I think they are too big for my feet lol. I’m all out of proportion lol. Either that or my shoes are the wrong shape hehe. Life is too short to take a offence over little things.
So, Cardiogirl, you wouldn’t wear the stickers to the Y to see if they’re as bizarre as they seem? I’d love to see the looks on the Y workers’ faces when they come to tell you to put on shoes and you show them what you’re wearing …
Normally, I wouldn’t comment on someone’s blog to plug a product, but a coworker of mine gave me a pair of socks that might fix your boot problem. They are called Fox River Merino wool socks and they are the most comfortable, best fitting socks I’ve ever worn. I spent far too much time Christmas Eve boring my family by telling them how much I love my new socks. They fit really precisely and don’t have a huge seam at the toe. Yes, I’m a sock geek, but my feet are warm and toasty.
Thank you, Victoria KP, for keeping us all up to date on the latest sock technology. I think that in the rush to discuss Apple’s iPad or Verizon’s new Droid, socks often get short-shrift, and more’s the pity.
@Victoria KP Welcome to the VIP Lounge — it’s nice to meet you! I can’t say I’ve ever heard of those socks but when I clicked over to the website I was surprised to learn that the humble sock monkey evolved out of those hose.
You learn something new each day. I should try those to see what happens. It looks like there’s a story just three miles away from my house.
@K2 Dude, socks are ignored until they’re jacking up the way you walk.
I would die if there were no sarcasm in the world. I mean…how would anybody (meaning you and me) have any fun?
It would definitely put MikeWJ (K2) outta business. Well, and me too.
Boy, you guys really hit the nail on the head with this insightful comment thread! No wonder everybody heads over to Cardiogirl’s place to see what’s up. I can hardly remember to go the bathroom I’m so sucked in by this conversation.
@Lola There would be no fun, Lola. I think the life expectancy would drop dramatically if sarcasm ceased to exist. Although we would probably create an Underground Railroad of sorts to keep the dream alive.
@lin Yes. It most definitely would.
@K2 You might want to invest in some Depends. They sell them, in bulk, at Costco.
A world without sarcasm would suck….It would probably be like the world in that goofy movie “The Invention of Lying” since everyone was always blatantly honest most people were constantly miserable.
We had a lot of snow last night…6 inches maybe? There are alot of school closings but I don’t follow them since I don’t have kids. Growing up I went to a catholic school that had students from my hometown as well as 3 or so other school districts. The majority of kids rode the bus to school. Since the buses were operated by their local public school district, once I heard that at least one of the two biggest school districts were closed, I knew my school would close and I didn’t have to continue to listen to the closings waiting for our announcement.
Buf, you’ve led the sort of life that most of us only dream about, in our dreams and such. Have you considered writing a book about your experiences as a Catholic-school student?
@Buf I’ve never heard of that movie, but now that I’ve seen the trailer I think I have to rent it.
We have the SAME thing going on at our school. The buses are borrowed from the public school. Our old school had no bus system although they still followed what the public school did.
Why can’t those Catholics get some spines? At least the ones that don’t rely on the public school’s buses.
@K2 I think Buf and I could come up with a compelling story that we would call “The Darkness Behind the Plaid.”
I would totally read Darkness Behind the Plaid. And see the movie. Twice. Director’s cut.
Okay, I’ll get to work on that immediately.
Right after I wipe the floor with you in Round Two of Knucklehead’s challenge.
We’ve been getting a fair amount of snow here, but the roads are decently clear. I’d think they would get out less since the school doesn’t have to worry about buses. That’s why we (the public schools) always got out, because the back roads were never clear enough for the buses to run.
Steal a pair of Mr. C’s socks and fold the top of the sock over the boot. Like Victoria, I’m a bit of a sock connoisseur. I know we can fix this problem.
A sock connoisseur? Oh, Liz, will the mystery that is you ever stop unfolding? I tell you, if I wasn’t married and you weren’t married, I’d be rushing over there (wherever there is) to woo you right now!
You have to understand socks, they can be the most important undergarment. Like when there’s six inches of snow and wind chill of 5. Sigh.
Okay fine, I’m a connoisseur of all undergarments.
I liked a good wooing back in the day. I swear I didn’t mean that dirtily. Things just tend to come out that way. I did it again.
You know I can be like a dude with my mind constantly in the gutter. Maybe I hang out in gentleman’s establishments too frequently.
And all my male friends just love my husband, we could party. JD shots on me. Okay on Jeff, I don’t work.
Well, who doesn’t enjoy a good wooing, I ask you? It’s flattering, and energizing. Maybe next time I’m in Chicago (I seem to go there about once a year), I’ll look you and Jeff up. That’ll be a day you regret forever.
Weell, Jeff and I discussed not going to Chicago this year. Do you go during baseball season?
How does anyone regret a night in Chicago? I never have. And once I had 20 tall boys of Old Style and had to fly home the next day.
I thought you guys lived in Chicago. Where do you live (you know, generally, in a non-stalker way)?
And 20 tall boys in one night? Wow. I’m surprised the airline didn’t fly you home the next day. In a casket.
That much beer takes several brats and years of practice. I’ve learned after graduating from UGA, alcohol abuse is not the norm. And I was challenged by a guy there was no way I could drink more than him because he weighed 50 lbs more than me. Try me. Thank God Jeff had a doorman at the time. I have no recollection after pouring myself into the cab.
Either way, I don’t mind sharing. I live in Indianapolis.
I hate to interrupt this love affair, but I live in Chicago if anyone cares.
Where do I reply?
I remember when CG went to Chicago with one of her girls and I was a little jealous with the Cardiogirl empire get together.
Let’s all meet at Lin’s house in Chicago for beer and brats! (Is it brauts, or brats, because I like brauts, but not brats. I’m sick of brats, of which I have four.)
@Liz My boots are about 14-inches high; Mr. C doesn’t have a sock long enough to wrap over the top, although that is an interesting idea.
I had to limit the width of the thread to six levels because more than that was jacking up my graphic on top. When the comments got too skinny it made the graphic on top slide to the right which then covered the text in the middle column.
To get around that, click reply on the first comment (like I did in this case) and your comment will show up at the bottom, but it will allow the next person to hit reply.
*cue the-more-you-know graphic and song*
@K2 Liz’s mystery will *never* stop unfolding. She’s like a hand-carved Russian doll that goes on to infinity and beyond.
@lin I think they might need to get a room.
That nesting doll analogy is brilliant. I’d give you a prize if I had one.
I’ll host the BBQ, but I have a strict rule that states clearly there is NO swimming in the pond. The frogs don’t like it.
Who cares what the French think about your party? They didn’t support us in 9/11, and they haven’t done anything for us since they invented French fries.
@Mike This is the *second* time you said you’d give me a prize if you had one. I think it’s time for you to go shopping.
@lin What if I sit on top of a floaty? Will the frogs mind that?
“the left one makes your sock twist and turn until it’s firmly placed in the arch of your foot exposing your heel yet still covering your toes” I hate that!
The school closings thing stinks. They should have a publicly known time which they can’t cancel school after. Then you’d only have to check that one time and you’d know one way or the other without having to ride the metaphorical weatherman roller coaster.
Hate is an awfully strong word for a sock problem, Struggling Writer. I think that we should all be mindful of our language these days. We need to tone down the national dialogue, and it starts here with Cardiogirl’s frank discussion of things that would suck, part 6.
I think hate is a strong enough word for sock issues and wedgies. Both of which can totally make or break your day.
@Zeus I, too, hate it with the intensity of 1,000 suns. You never think about it until it happens to you and then it’s all you think about.
Oh man! That would be awesome if there was a deadline and once you missed it, that was that. Excellent idea, sw.
@K2 What sort of liberal hash have you been smoking?
@lin Auuggh — the wedgie! That would be a great Book of Questions discussion. Which would rather have — a twisting sock issue or a wedgie.
Discuss amongst yourselves.
I think you underestimate the sock problem, k2.
Also, please share that liberal hash cardiogirl mentioned.
He probably goes barefoot all the time, sw.
My mother just disclosed that she’s putting bags on her feet instead of buying a decent pair of boots. Seriously. I swear she’s nuts. My daughter asked her if her feet smell like warm bread if she uses bread bags.
Golly, your mom’s one helluva a hoot, isn’t she Lin? Feet that smell like warm bread! Hah! Goodness me, your household must have been a non-stop laugh-riot growing up!
Well, sorta. It was that bread-bags-on-your-feet kinda fun every effin’ minute.
@lin Still? Your mom still uses the bread bags? I thought that was outlawed in 1979.
@K2 You say potato, I say it must have blown chunks.
tell me why you hate snow days so much! i love them even though i know it means another day in june. my mother used to get so mad at US when we had a snow day. like it was our fault. and she’d spend the whole day saying “you could have had school today, there’s nothing wrong with the roads, this is just ridiculous” why hate the snow day????
Oh, Dear God, Sparkling74. This is a sad, sad story. Were you one of Joan Crawford’s daughter? It’s amazing that you’ve been able to maintain your sense of humor and positive outlook on life what with that sort of harrassment from your mom.
@sparkling74 I am a creature of habit, sparkling. If it’s a week day in winter I expect my kids to be in school. When they are home it throws everything off kilter and then they expect me to entertain them.
If I’m not in the mindset of entertaining them things start to fall of the tracks pretty early. I’m not a spontaneous chick. I’m guessing your mother and I would have understood each other.
Btw, do you have children?
@K2 Shhh. Don’t make her feel awkward, Mike.
A world without sarcasm?!
*curls up in the fetal position just thinking about it*
Nicky, I can feel your emotional pain all the way from Canada to whereever it is that Cardiogirl lives to my home right here in sunny Colorado. I want you to know I’m with you all the way, sister, supporting and loving you as you consider a world without sarcasm.
@Nicky I know, it’s a horrible thought and one that we must banish from our minds.
@K2 Is there room in that heart of yours for me, too?
My heart knows no bounds. It’s like a fucking nesting doll that goes into infinity, or some bullshit like that that I recently heard on the Internet.
Awesome analogy, K2. Clearly you’re well-read.
I started to type a long rant about socks and how much I hate them, then realized that I would like to save it to post on my blog. I really, really hate socks.
A world without sarcasm would be tough–it’s the only (fairly) civil way I know of to defuse all of the aggro that comes along with modern life. And without it I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with my husband, since it was his sense of humor that first attracted me to him.
Absepa, I’m soooooo touched by the story of the deep bond of love that sprung up between you and your husband, Mark or George or whatever his name is. The tears are welling up in my eyes even as I write these words. Please, please, please consider turning your personal Love Story into a movie of the week starring Melissa Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner. Thank you.
@Absepa I do recall you mentioning the fact that you prefer to go around sans socks and shoes. I cannot relate to that. My feet are always cold and they’re tender. I cannot handle walking, barefoot, on cement. Don’t care for the grass, either. So I cannot stand in solidarity with you on that one.
There’s so much to be said for a good sense of humor.
@K2 Hang on. While Melissa and Bruce are certainly the king and queen of Lifetime movies, they shouldn’t be allowed to act together. They’ve been married for almost 20 years. That’s no stretch for either one of them.
A stretch would be casting Bruce with Lady Gaga.
@K2: Ha! I can see it now: “Two Nerds: A Love Story.” I doubt that we’re anywhere near dramatic enough for a Lifetime movie, but I suppose they could throw in a couple of hostage situations, some domestic violence, and a debilitating disease apiece. Artistic license, you know.
@cardiogirl: Aw, yeah. I would be totally stoked if Gaga was cast to play me. All that wearing of clothes during the filming would probably mess her up, though, since she’s so accustomed to being mostly nekkid.
@absepba — We could give Bruce Parkinson’s, because he’s so damn perfect in a nerdy way, and Melissa some sort of hair problem, like Alopecia areata, because she has a great head of hair. That’d be fun, and gripping.
@CG — Gaga could do a progressive interpretive portrayal of you, appearing naked in every scene except the love scenes. Then she’d be fully clothed. This is going to be a huge hit!
@absepa Love the addition of the hostage situation — a must for any good made-for-TV movie.
@K2 What?
I just got whammied …..again.
Huh?
@myevil3yearold Oy. I am weeping snowy tears for you. Bummer. Thankfully I did not get whammied yesterday.
@K2 Pay attention, dude.
Her kids were home from school again. She was hoping there would be no snow day and was chanting, “No whammies, no whammies” in an effort to make the school stay open.
I just saw the whammies link this morning. Sometimes, in my rush to be snarcastic, I fail to read carefully.
I’ll let it go this time, but you need to slow down over here. Walk, don’t run, K2.
Riveting post, Cardiogirl, especially the part about the boots and socks, which is a problem I think we can all relate to, but I have to say that I don’t really appreciate sarcasm as a form of humor. It’s cheap and easy, and really not all that funny. I actually thought it had died out with Steve Martin’s career, and was surprised to read that some people still enjoy the old ways.
I have a SIL whose facebook quote is, “I’m fluent in sarcasm.”
Ugh.
She also still needs someone to cosign her leases at age 24.
@K2 Thanks Mike. The boot/sock issue is too important to overlook. sarcasm is cheap and easy; it’s like working blue. But sometimes you just need to phone it in.
@Liz I have to say, I do enjoy that quote. I might use that over at Twitter.
Okay, do I have to explain what I’ve done here in this comment thread, or is anybody with me?
I get it, I get it!!!!!!
Yeah I got it, too.
I don’t think sarcasm is a choice you make — not always. I was raised sarcastic, like a religion. My parents are sarcastic, their parents were sarcastic — and all six of us kids are sarcastic. I don’t necessarily enjoy sarcasm, well not always — you spend half of your life going around having conversations with people that end with “I’m just kidding” after they give you that weird look your sarcasm has brought on. When the whole family gets together at holidays — oh man — one big sarcasm festival.
As far as the twisty socks thing goes, I don’t know — maybe some thick tights instead of socks or you can do the rubber band around the top of the socks like all the girls did when I went to Catholic School and knee socks were part of our uniform — they always fell down and got twisted up, of course this could cut of your circulation and you’d have to get the bottom half of your legs amputated – but then you wouldn’t have to worry about the sock thing anymore. (Example of Sarcasm.)
We are sisters, Sheila, which is weird given our anatomy. I’m so sarcastic all the time that I forget I’m being sarcastic. Certain people don’t react well to it, and I end up having to tell them to fuck off, which they also don’t react to very well, and then I get into fistfights. It really sucks sometimes.
Hey sister MikeWJ -Does the WJ stand for “With Jugs”? My brothers are the worst, especially the smart ones. They do the straight faced, sarcasm slams that would make the toughest cry and the dumbest doubt themselves for the rest of their lives.
Your brothers have man-boobs like Mike?
Mike has Moobs?
@Mike I would love to hang out with you at the mall — just once — to see you in action.
@sheila I love that you have enough brothers to delineate the smart ones from the, um, less smart ones.
@Jen *burned Mike!*
I fell in love with you all over again, sheila, when I read the following sentence:
I was raised sarcastic, like a religion.
And that means you have earned the Gold Star of the Day, young lady.
I’ve never heard of the rubber band around the top of your socks — nice tip. I might have to use that one on my middle kid. For some reason she’s the only one who comes home with her knee socks pooled around her ankles. The other two always look the way I left them in the morning.
That boot thing really sucks. It always happens on my left foot for some reason. I don’t know if it is somehow deformed so the sock doesn’t stay up like it does on the right foot. It happens in all boots so I am pretty sure it is my foot and not the boot. They should have little pieces of velcro or something that you could hook your sock to when you put your boot on.
You should write a book called “My Left Foot.” I’ll bet people would like it.
I figured it was you who said that. It wouldn’t be as inspiring as the original left foot book. Unless people really like velcro.
@Jen I haven’t worn boots in ages. I truly cannot remember the last time I wore them in winter so I’m not sure if I, too, have that deformed left foot thing going on or not.
Oh! Sock garters! I swear my dad wore those once in a while. I forgot all about those.
@Mike Gotta say I enjoy how Jen spars with you.
If it weren’t for sarcasm I’d have no personality what-so-ever.
If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
If it weren’t for my commenters, I’d have no way to get my snark on.
OMG your boot problem was driving me nuts just reading about it. What a PITA, so to speak. But this other thing. Snow, you call it? What is this snow stuff of which you speak?
Lovingly yours,
A California Girl
That sock thing really is annoying as hell.
I swear I am going to put a snowball in the freezer, pack it in dry ice as I travel to Minnesota this summer and then bean you right between the shoulder blades when I see you.
Hang on, it’ll be June in Minnesota when I see you, so there should still be snow on the ground.
Oh my, those are some serious sock issues with your new boots. My condolences. My favorite boots are some I’ve had for at least 30 years.
Re the school thing – we had an inch, and the schools have been closed all week. Don’t know if they’ll open tomorrow. They are being very cautious since a high school student died from a wreck on black ice while going to school just recently. The roads were deemed clear of ice, and then the temperature dropped.
So better safe than sorry. I heard schools in a neighboring county will be having class on Saturday.
Whoa, you’ve had the same pair of boots for 30 years, Linda?! Please, please post a photo and short story on your blog.
Okay, in that case with the black ice and the high school student I can understand being gun shy. But this is Michigan for crying out loud. We know about snow and ice.
I’ll have to set up a photo shoot! ;)
YES!
I’m sorry your boots aren’t working out with that sock twisting going on. My son’s school closes all.the.time. even when there is just the mere threat of snow. And, it’s super annoying. However. “No whammies, no whammies! ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH. So thank you for that, CardioGirl!
That would drive me batty if the school closed constantly.
I know that dates me crazily but I do love “No whammies” as well. Good times, man. I swear I do not remember anything about that game show except for the big old button that required two hands to press it down.
I have to agree with you about sarcasm. Without sarcasm, life is simply not worth living. Effective sarcasm enables one to verbally slash an oblivious opponent and then be prepared with an even more damaging parry before the victim is even aware that the fight is on. Without sarcasm verbal combat is simply childs play.
Totally agree and apparently I’m an excellent teacher to my children. *wipes a proud tear away from her eye*
My fifth grader’s public speaking coach just told me the other day that my kid has an excellent grasp of sarcasm and dead pan delivery of the book excerpt she’s practicing.
It’s from a novel about a girl who doesn’t like school:
I do not hate the girls’ bathroom on the second floor where two of the toilets are always broken and a suspicious-looking puddle almost always surrounds the third.
[...] This might confuse some of you since I trotted those boots out on my most recent “Things I think would suck” list. [...]
[...] instead of adding to my list of things I think would suck, I’m going to make a list of things that would not [...]