Things I think would suck, part 2
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Back in January of 2009 I presented a list of things I think would suck; being a squirrel was top on that list. I’ve been meaning to update it for a while and I just realized it’s been over a year — for shame. Today we have the second installment of things I think would suck.
Being known on the internet for having cankles.
Poor Katie Holmes. I would have never noticed her ankles if it hadn’t been for the internet. I don’t remember how I ran across them, but a Google search of the phrase “Katie Holmes Cankles” yields about 5,340 results in .21 seconds.
It doesn’t even take a full second to find over 5,000 references. Damnation. I would seriously have a complex about that. I’m not kidding.
Being a sword swallower.
When I wrote about greasing the pig™ I decided it would really suck if you were so strapped for cash that the only option was to join the circus and become a sword swallower. Naturally there’s an eHow article on how to do this in four steps.
The last step does carry the following warning: “You must dodge vital organs to accomplish this feat. If you make a wrong move, you’re either seriously injured or dead.”
Having to learn a new language every two years.
I don’t know why this would happen, but it would not be cool if you had to move to a new country every two years forcing you to learn another language. Is being immersed for two years in a foreign country long enough to become fluent in a different language? And you wouldn’t be able to hear any English in any of the countries you were living in. There would be no English speakers.
Okay, I will throw you a bone. In each country there would be an animated children’s show, like Dora the Explorer where the main character would teach you an English phrase. For instance, if you were living in Poland, you could watch Ludwika the Explorer. She’d be a blond girl wearing a babushka who taught you English phrases.
She’d mostly speak in Polish but then she’d say something like:
- “Angielski (j’zyk angielski) s’owo dla susu jest JUMP. Mówi’ (przemawia’) to z mn’. JUMP.”
Translation: “The English word for jump is JUMP. Say it with me. JUMP.”
That way you could try to work backwards since you’d understand the word jump. See how difficult that would be? That’s why it would suck.
I might have a leg up on Canadian English since Tim just taught me the word touque. Ten points for any American who can tell me (without cheating) what that means.
Now just like last time, I’m going to end on a positive note. I am extremely thankful that a Google search of the phrase “Cardiogirl Cankles” yields only two results in .22 seconds.
And just for the record, the second result only shows up because I left a comment on another blogger’s post that used the word cankles. So there.
Tags: Things that are jacked up, Things that require my sarcasm
A touque is a hat. Don’t say that Bob and Doug McKenzie didn’t teach me anything!!
My friend and I have a Suck-o-meter that tops at “peeing out your butt”. Now that would suck. We have another friend whose husband was born with his insides on the outside of his body. He spent many years in the hospital as a baby and they had to re-route a few things to get him to work right. Long story short, he pees out his butt.
Imagine public restrooms. Imagine middle school. Ugh. Yeah, peeing out your butt would definitely suck.
Snaps on knowing what a touque is. How do you pronounce that — two – ck?
Alright, I will admit that would suck it big time. It would suck donkey. But I remember you mentioning this on the first list of things I thought would suck. You need to come up with something new, although this should top every things that suck list out there.
But you still need to add something new, Lin.
Crud.
Okay, here’s one. Irene at work says her cousin has had his toes removed because of his diabetes. Well–all but two, on one foot. And they are in the middle. So imagine how odd that dude’s foot has got to look with two random toes left on one foot. I mean, remove them all! Why would they just leave two stragglers??
I would think with the upcoming flip-flop and sandal season approaching, that would suck. Those two stragglers aren’t even strategically placed so you could keep your flip-flops on.
Is that good?
Alright, this is good but it’s a bit too realistic. It does beg the question of why those two were left. Like you I’d want to lop all of ‘em off.
I’m looking for silly stuff because I have enough of this realistic stuff floating on the back burner.
The having-to-learn-a-new-language-every-year thing is not so far removed for military wives, actually. Most tours of duty last for three years, so theoretically, you could be moved from the US to Korea, to Germany, to Japan, to Italy, etc, every three years.
Thankfully most of us don’t have to do more than one or two overseas tours during the course of a 25-year military career, but it does present a language-barrier issue.
What is shocking to me is that a great many military wives never bother to learn the language of the country they are stationed in (if they are overseas); they just stay on the American military post, where English is spoken, and never venture out.
Now granted, most overseas military posts are cities unto themselves, with their own stores, gas stations, schools, etc, but I still cannot imagine confining myself to one “town” for three full years.
We haven’t been stationed overseas (yet), but if/when we are, I will, without a doubt, hightail it to the nearest Borders store to purchase the Rosetta Stone package for whatever language necessary. It’s always nice to have your post to go back to when you want to feel/be American, but I am an adventurous bird and I want to be able to communicate, at least rudimentarily, with the locals. I can’t imagine being stationed in Italy, for instance, and not going out to experience the culture.
I mean, if the military is going to pay for me to have the experience of living in a foreign country, I want to at least be able to milk it for all it’s worth.
Oh yeah, and it only takes about 6 months, or less, to become fluent in another language if you are immersed in it. Even after about two weeks in a foreign country, you pick up enough words and phrases to communicate, somewhat rudimentarily, with the natives.
And I am also ever thankful not to have cankles. That would definitely suck. I am glad you are cankle-free also. At least online. :)
Excellent reply, Soonerchick. I didn’t realize the immediate family could go with military personnel although I guess I was thinking about a deployment. I think I’d stay on the base for six to eight months and then go stir crazy and venture out.
And every time I see a commercial for the Rosetta Stone language package I always want to buy one just to see if it works. But I imagine they’re expensive and I am cheap as a monkey.
Just got back from Google. The Spanish Rosetta Stone Level 1 costs $206.10 and a package of Level 1-5 costs $629.10.
I won’t be experimenting with that unless we move to Cancun.
It IS expensive, I will concur. But I’ve been told it works quite well; the State Department and the military both use it to train their overseas personnel.
I would probably not use it for something like Spanish or Italian, since I already speak French and the Romance languages are not too far removed from one another, since they’re all based on Latin; I don’t think it would take much for me to learn to communicate in one of those.
But for German, or Japanese, or the like, I would definitely have to make the investment in Rosetta Stone. One of my biggest fears is looking ignorant, and I would rather keep my mouth shut than to open it and look ignorant.
And since I don’t want to be confined to muteness for, well, any length of time, I would feel an insatiable need to educate myself linguistically.
It would be a necessary investment, like you said, if you were going to live in that country for a year or more — really even six months. I’d be the one walking around bumping into things as I frantically read my English to (insert foreign language here) Dictionary.
I am cracking up at Ludwica the Explorer!
It is too early for me to come up with anything to add. Along the same lines as number 1 though, I would hate to have a “wardrobe malfunction” and have it all over the internet as well, like when a celebrity loses their top (remember Tara Reid? Yikes!) I had a skirt fall off me in front of the entire school bus when I was in 7th grade. I was pretty traumatized the rest of the school year. Maybe longer since I still remember and bring it up!
Ugh, middle school. That can go on the hate list.
@Michelle Yeah. Wardrobe malfunction is definitely on there.
@Liz Amen to that and I respectfully add high school to that list.
Lin reminded me a of a child who was born with a malformed anal opening. He was in and out of hospitals with a colostomy bag until he was about 3 or 4. Last time I saw him when he was 10 he handled it all really well, he’d just say he had to go handle his “his situation” with the air quotes. Funny little kid.
For me? Eating animal organs of any kind. Intestines, kidneys, livers, whatever should not be used for human consumption unless absolutely necessary. They filter the blood and the urine and the poo. No thank you. When I was little if you didn’t like what Moma cooked then you went hungry. I went hungry on chicken liver night. I ain’t gonna do it.
I later discovered they look the same as human livers and that was the nail in the organ eating coffin. Shoo.
I’m so bad at languages. I could see myself being one of those women never leaving the base. I’ve already told Jeff if he moves me to China then I get a person three times a week to take me shopping until I get the hang of it. And if it’s Siberia, I get at least 5 fur coats.
Alright, while these medical issues would totally suck hands down, I am putting a moratorium on health-related issues.
But I’m with you on the consumption of organs. For some reason, while driving home from school the other day, I was thinking about how the folks on “Survivor” (first or second go round) cooked and ate rats. And I was wondering how hungry I would have to get to eat one.
Could I get my head past the fact that I was eating rat? I’d have to be pretty damn hungry.
Oh, I could do the meat just fine. I’m fairly certain I’ve eaten squirrel and rabbit. Keep that liver away from me. Ugh, they’re so slimey and smushy. Blech.
Awfully hungry.
I know what a toque is only because I have several Canadian friends. They’ve got some interesting slang up there. After watching two weeks of the Olympics, I REALLY want to go. I’ve never officially been to Canada, not that I remember. My dad used to drive through Ontario on our way from Michigan to New York, and though we stopped at the Canadian Niagara Falls, I don’t remember much about the drive. I was only six or seven.
I could probably pick up any of the Romance languages (French, Italian, Portuguese, etc.) pretty quickly as I know Spanish fairly well. My problem is less my ability at languages (I’m actually somewhat decent at them), and more my anxiety over speaking them to a native. It took me months to try to speak Spanish to my Spanish friend at the pool because my crazy brain insisted she was going to laugh at my attempts. Of course, that’s incredibly ridiculous, but my brain does strange things. Being thrown into a country and being forced to speak the language would probably cure me of that rather quickly. Or I’d become a hermit.
I’m impressed blue. I had no clue what that was and the first thing that came to mind was torque which I knew was not even close.
I’ve been to Niagra Falls and it was fine, but I didn’t want to go there. Yes, a natural wonder and loud, but it’s water.
I can relate to being nervous about speaking to a native; I had the chance just once to speak to someone in German (on a tennis court, no less) and it was hard for me. But I did it (the little bit that I knew) and they were gracious.
I know what a touque is from SCTV – Bob & Doug McKenzie.
Things I think would suck – having your partner cheat on you and leave.
Ooh, Debbie Downer. Things that suck not quite as much – getting back into dating.
Isn’t it good to know that Bob and Doug McKenzie is our point of reference, Lola?? That’s how I knew what it was too!!!
@Lola I watched Bob and Doug too and I do not remember learning that. I guess I wasn’t paying attention that day.
Betrayal sucks plain and simple.
@Lin Again, I was a fan but I don’t ever remember the touque.
Dora l’exploratrice (French)
Lol!
Nice, but I think it would change Dora to Genevieve l’exploratrice.
Things I Think Would Suck:
1. Having to live through middle school again (other people have mentioned it as part of something else, but having been through middle school once, I can say with absolutely certainty that it would suck to do it again)
2. Getting out to my car, all ready to call CG’s blog and tell her about my imaginary dog, and then realizing that the code is only good immediately after you see it on the screen (actually, this DID suck. I sit at the front desk at work, and didn’t want the whole office to hear me leaving a message that started out, “Hey, Cardiogirl, it’s Erin from Apropos of Nothing!”, so I was going to wait till I got to my car, and then the code didn’t work) (I promise that at some point I will be at a computer without anyone else around so I can do it!)
3. Peeing out your belly button/nose/anything other than the normal place you are supposed to pee out of
And the cankles thing? Totally sucks. Given that I’m a relatively slender person, you wouldn’t think I’d have them, but I do. And thus cannot wear flats and skirts, which is a shame, because I love flats and skirts. I’m just glad that mine are only broadcast on the internet when I choose to blast them, like now.
See? Peeing out your butt IS a good answer, CG.
@Erin Yeah, I’d hate to have to go back to middle school, even as a teacher. Ugh.
That does bite about the recording. I forgot that the code is temporary. I don’t know how long you have to use it. Maybe two minutes. It’s very temporary.
Yeah, the medical issues are a hands-down winner but I want to stay away from those.
@Lin Definitely it qualifies but I’m trying to stay fluffy here.
And on a technicality, as a chick I wouldn’t stress too much about peeing out of my butt. No one would really know about that, right?
I used to have a crush on Katie Holmes, back in her pre-Cruise days. So sad.
You should trademark “Ludwika the Explorer”
She’s like a completely different person now, isn’t she? I also used to like her but now she has the stench o’ Cruise on her.
If I have another daughter I’m namin’ her Ludwika and, as God as my witness, she will grow up to be an explorer.
[...] it’s been three months since I trotted this list out. That means it’s time for the third installment. And Lin, I’m telling you right now, you [...]