The book of questions, Volume 99
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Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts. Today’s query comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.
And here it is, Question 185.
What sorts of things would you do if you could be as outgoing and uninhibited as you wished? Do you usually initiate friendships or wait to be approached?
My name is Cardiogirl and I am timid* with a dash of disillusioned. I’d say I’m 57% timid and 43% disillusioned. I’m just a quiet chick who wants to live in peace and harmony. In the past I bent crazily into Cirque de Soleil-inspired back bends to avoid confrontation. Just smile and wave, kids. Smile and wave.
I’m also not big into walking up to someone and introducing myself. Although, it depends on the situation.
If I know I can continue on my way without having to interact with that person, I’m remaining comfortably inside my climate-controlled bubble. This includes other folks exercising at the Y, people at the park and fellow shoppers at the grocery store.
If we make eye contact — this depends on my mood; sometimes I’m willing to scan a face other times I’m on a mission, step out of the way please — I will give an acknowledgment smile that does not encourage conversation.
However, if I’m going to have to interact on a semi-regular basis I will be polite, make eye contact and engage in limited small talk. That behavior occurs at the Y Child Watch. I see those people regularly and I do need to tell them my kids’ names and ages.
If I’m going to be working with the other person on a regular basis — the mothers and other leaders in Girl Scouts — I will force myself to approach that person and chat politely. We will become friendly acquaintances. But the last five years have taught me to really limit my levels of trust.
I’ve been really disillusioned and I have adapted to those changes. My personal investment in other people has been reduced dramatically in an effort to maintain self preservation. It’s the best I can do with the cards I’ve been dealt. As you might expect, Mr. C and our children are the only people who have my complete trust.
These days I’m liquid when it comes to relationships. If it works out to have coffee with a friend, that’s a bonus and I have fun. If we go to the park and the rest of the women are in a clique I’m cool with swinging on the monkey bars with my kids. I’m not going to ingratiate myself to someone who’s not receptive but I am always polite.
I’m pretty much an island in that I am no longer looking for validation from other people and I think that’s progress. Nowadays, more often than not, it really doesn’t matter what other people think.
*That’s a new pair of Converse available at Converse.com and I think I might actually have to crack open my wallet and buy a pair. I really want them. My half birthday is in 16 days. If y’all donated 50¢ to my PayPal account I could defray the cost (insert hopeful, yet cheesy, grin here.)
Tags: Things on which I have an opinion
“As outgoing and uninhibited as I wished” … hmm Interesting question. Nudist camp anyone????
I have a repressed bada$$ inside of me dying to get out. :) So I would let her out and see what happened. I would speak out more especially in situations where the victims can’t speak out themselves. I’d try to do more of the things that I’m somewhat afraid of doing. I’d probably get a tattoo…even though that has become rather mainstream these days.
In some situations, people think that I’m very outgoing and might even considered me relatively uninhibited. On the other hand, I think of myself as pretty shy and somewhat inhibited. I’ve come to realize that my level of outgoingness (doubt that’s word) depends on how comfortable I am in that situation or environment. If I’m somewhere I feel really comfortable such as my then I’m very outgoing I guess I feel like I should welcome the other person into my world. On the other hand, if I’m in a situation where I don’t know anyone then I will I can become the classic wallflower. I try to force my self to approach people and I do to some extent, even though I feel like the world’s biggest dork…lol
I’m sorry if this answer doesn’t make sense, I’m rather discombobulated this morning.
You know, I just realized I did not answer what I would do if I were outgoing. Ha!
Hey would you want a tattoo because it was NOT mainstream? Or is it just the idea of it? I think you and I are very similar in our behaviors — comfort level/situation dictating how outgoing I am.
Snaps on using discombobulated so early in the morning!
I would want it because it is NOT mainstream. It’s not as cool now that everyone has one…lol
Listen to your rebel yell, Buf!
If I got much more outgoing and uninhibited, I’d be obnoxious, CG. Maybe I already am. Oh well.
Believe it or not, I do not like going into a party where I don’t know anyone. I’m lots of fun when I know folks, but I do hate that small talk at the food table.Ugh. I talk to everyone (store clerks, receptionists, other parents at things, etc) typically, but I do hate those forced situations where you have to make small talk. I can’t do that.
I’m fluid with friends now as I get older. If you fit in my life now, okay. If you don’t fit in later, okay. If we are only friends for baseball season, that’s okay–see you next spring. I think is okay to have friends for the moment and some friends for years. I’ve got a few of both.
On the validation point–There is a line forming to the left of me. If you do not like me, go stand in that line. But I’ll warn you, it is very long. I think it wraps around a few corners. Whatever. If you like me, stand to the right. That line isn’t as long, but it sure is fun. My neck hurts from looking to the right all the time.
You’re not obnoxious, you are all kinds of fun!
I am surprised that you feel uncomfortable at a party where you don’t know anyone. You seem like you would thrive on that sort of situation — new people, new experiences, new audience for your stories.
Hey, I’m to the right, to the right, to the right.
darn! i peeked at buf’s answer, but i could get down with a nude beach. i would do it if my belly wasn’t jelly, but it is, so i won’t. oh and i would like some perky c’s please. i know this is not a wish list. i’m just sayin’.
or maybe dance in public. i loooove to dance and shake my groove thing, but i’m so composed, no one would know it.
i have no problems initiating a friendship, i’m friendly and trusting to all and my name is donkey. that, however, doesn’t mean i want that person as my friend. it just means i can get along with anything breathing.
i enjoy being quiet and observing. i’m very content with myself and i enjoy my own company. i have no problems introducing myself to anyone, but only if i feel like it. i’m a moody arse ***ch and that’s more of a problem than anything else.
My personal investment in other people has been reduced dramatically in an effort to maintain self preservation. INTERESTING, my dear, cardiogirl. interesting.
A nude beach, you say? There’s no chance I would visit a nude beach even if I weighed 110 lbs.
I don’t like dancing, but I would like to be able to shake a pretty decent groove and I’d like to be confident when performing said groove.
I have no trouble starting up a friendship, but I can also swing on the monkey bars if it looks like a better thing to do. As for the other questions….I would love to get up and just dance. I have been so ridiculed about my dancing that I never do it anymore. Calling a therapist now!
Hey, should I start calling you Elaine?
I would never say outgoing was one of those adjectives, but reading others, I apparently am. I have no problem at parties. I can turn cocktail party small talk into actual good conversation. Uninhibited? That one I’ve got pretty down. Well, as long as there’s some booze around, and if there’s not then I doubt I’ll be in that situation anyway. Nudist camp? I’m all for it. Dance horribly in public? No problem. Hell, there are pictures of me doing it on a bar.
I am a rule follower, however; that’s where this question gets me. My stepdad can talk his way in and out of just about every situation. It’s crazy and makes me wildly uncomfortable when he’s doing it. Speeding tickets, getting into amusement parks, senior citizen discounts, on and on and on. But it works, so I mask my inner embarrassment with a smile.
“Nowadays, more often than not, it really doesn’t matter what other people think.” Absofuckinlutely.
I need to take cocktail conversation lessons from you, Liz. I really hate making small talk.
That’s such an interesting juxtaposition — an outgoing, somewhat uninhibited rule follower.
I’ll tell ya, if I had this mix of drugs back in my 20s I think my life would have been a hell of a lot smoother and comfortable. At least I’m closer to my own nirvana.
Just tell stories. Someone else will follow and then the conversation is actually amusing.
Better living through pharmaceuticals.
Hmm, I have to have better experiences, I guess, if I want to have better conversation. Still, that’s a useful tip. Thanks Liz!
You only need one. It can be simple.
But any story that makes you look a little silly, always works well.
For instance, I fell asleep at the wheel and hit a McDonalds. Which is an overstatement, because I actually only went through their fence and hit a few cars, but that always gets the ball rolling. Everyone has had a fender bender.
I was helping cater a very formal event and had a handful of empty wine bottles. Naturally as the orchestra takes a break, I walk through the front, slip and drop 5 large wine bottles across the floor. I get up, pick up my wine bottles, give a little bow as everyone stares at me. They clap and embarrassing scene is over.
If I could be as uninhibited & outgoing as I wished, I’d be having sex a lot more often.
I have no problem speaking to a stranger when I need something, or if I’m feeling especially friendly one day, but I don’t go out of my way to “make friends”. It usually just happens because of proximity.
Or something.
I don’t know.
I really don’t think I could deal with very many “friendships”. People in general exhaust me emotionally.
Which is why 99% of my friends are online. :-)
I’m actually fine with talking to someone when I need something, but not to just be friendly. Gah, that sounds flattering, doesn’t it?
No shit regarding the online friends. SO much easier and I actually prefer those types of friends these days.
I have no problem making small talk but those relationships never get any deeper. Mostly because I don’t like most of the mothers at the playground. They are all at least a decade younger than me and still happily married. I’m a big buzz kill. God, that sounds horrible. I don’t run around talking about being divorced, and I’m not unhappy at all. These women are just still in the honeymoon phase of life and I’m not. I don’t have patience for stupidity and unfortunately I think they are stupid. I need a nap.
True. I find, with the right mindset, I can tolerate those types of loose relationships. There’s no investment, as you’ve said.
You’re not a buzz kill, just a realist.
I already am as outgoing and uninhibited as I wish. Plus, I have no problem initiating a friendship. In fact, I’d be willing to say that I tend to carry most of my friendships (being the one who is more likely to ask the other to do something or call to talk).
This is why my present situation perplexes me so. If I were quiet and shy, then I could understand the lack of genuine friendship here. Alas, it just isn’t so. In fact, most efforts I have made to reach out and befriend someone has ended in silence from the other side. There are a few mothers (of Bryce’s friends) who talk to me, and one who genuinely reached out (especially when Bryce was very sick a few years ago). Otherwise, it seems like I am constantly butting my head against a wall.
I have spent way too much time over-analyzing this. I’m trying to tell myself daily now a mantra of “Oh well, their loss – they don’t realize what a loyal friend they are missing out on! Too bad for them!” That helps a little, but then … well, here I still am spending all my days with a 3 year old and a 5 year old with nary a person to even meet with for coffee (hey, I’d even be willing to drink it, now).
As for the dancing, hee-hee! I’m horrible. The other day, I was thinking how funny it would have been if I had videotaped myself attempting Tae-bo for the first time. I WAS HORRIBLE. I could not follow what they were doing and which direction they were moving which leg. It was so laughable that Trevor and Sean sat on the couch and watched me flail around aimlessly. It must not have been totally aimless, however, because those kicking muscles were sure sore the next day.
Well, I think I have blabbed on enough to convince that I am outgoing, uninhibited and ready to initiate friendships on a dime.
Wow Wendy! I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to say that (“I already am as outgoing and uninhibited as I wish”) but I’m getting more comfortable admitting that.
It does wear on you when you’re at home with the kids and no other adults are around. That’s how things are when school is in session. I become a major hermit but I actually enjoy the solitude. There are times, mostly during winter, when I really do wish I had a local friend to hang out with periodically.
You sound like a mirror image of me. I thought I was the only mom who didn’t spend the whole day yacking on the phone and shopping with her girlfriends. I’d rather hang out at home with the hubby and the kids. I Hate the cliques of moms and lost interest really quick in the crap that goes on between them – it’s like they want to keep reliving high school over and over again.
Yeah, I’m not a girl’s girl. I don’t know what I am. I’m an enigma, gingah!
Amen to high school on the playground. I already saw that movie and gave it two thumbs down the first time around.
You have a very healthy attitude.
I think I’ve made some progress in caring so much what people thing, will they like me, etc. I’m less shy than I used to be because I don’t care so much. Also, if someone rejects me in a humiliating manner, that will probably be excellent blog material.
(snorts) That’s a phrase I never thought I’d hear.
Life does have a different take when you think of it as blog material, doesn’t it? Yes, it does.
Hola CG,
So here’s the thing if I were uninhibited I’d probably go into work and curse out half the folks I work with because they’re tools. Yup that’s what I would do and have a smile on my face as I did it. But me needs a job to pay the bills so that won’t be happening any time soon.
And friends…well I think I have enough of those. In general I can spark up a nothing conversation with just about anyone. I get that trait from Granny SJ.
Wouldn’t that be awesome being able to speak your mind at work? Down with office politics, up with honesty.
I would love to meet you at Starbucks just to see how to get the conversation ball rolling. You know, it just occurred to me that confidence is what’s needed most to start a convo. When I am chatting and sharing a story, I think I’m looking for approval. I’m looking for a laugh or some sort of encouragement and if that’s not received I tend to take it personally.
Maybe that’s why I’m feeling less vulnerable. I’m not so concerned with making the other person really, really like me.
I would travel more.
Few things freak me out more than not knowing where I’m going. Knowing that I could walk up to someone and ask for directions without talking myself into it for half an hour would be really helpful.
It’s funny I have no problem with those sorts of things because my older sister was shy, and she’d never want to go ask for directions so she’d tell me to go because I needed to get over my shyness. So I can thank my sister for that. Well, that and I got used to it because I get lost ALL the time.
@Solomon I do hate getting lost although I don’t seem to have a problem asking for directions. Sadly, I recently got lost a block away from the parking structure I used in a neighboring town. They actually have quite a few parking structures in a small area, but I still felt like a jackass asking the guy on the street if he knew where my car was based on my parking ticket.
Thankfully (obviously) I found my car.
@Liz It’s funny that your sister maintained the shyness and you did not. Although she set things up for that to happen. Is she older? I imagine the older sister would make the younger one go ask for directions.
Getting lost doesn’t bother me much. It’s the having to ask for directions bit that freaks me out. I think it’s something to do with relying on other people.
I hope the parking guy was nice?
Of course she is. Betch.
What??? You can celebrate half-birthdays? Oh My God, that’s 44 half-birthdays I’ve missed already. And now I have to wait 6 months before my next half-birthday – GAHHH!!!!
Also, I alternate between not giving a rat’s ass what other people think of me and worrying horribly about it. It depends on who they are and what I selfishly want from them.
Also, did you send me your snail mail address for an NGIP pen yet? I’m just double checking because I can’t remember your real name at the moment vs. your blogname and a couple of people who asked for pens never sent me their address.
Also? Cool shoes.
Yes. Yes you can. A cake is in order but ice cream is optional. No presents allowed, though.
It does depend on what I’m looking for and how often I think I’ll see that person in the future.
I did send my address! And I’ve given you my super secret spy name so keep that under wraps. Those are awesome shoes and I will own those by the end of 2010. That is my vow.
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