The book of questions, Volume 75
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Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts.
Today’s question comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.
And here it is, Question 186.
If you decided to do something and your friends strongly advised you not to, could you do it anyway?
I’m struggling with what this crazy decision could be. I have to believe there would be a big desire on my part to do it in the first place, right? If it’s not physically harming another person, who cares what other people think. If you’re committed to the decision do it.
I will admit I am a people pleaser most of the time. When I’m trying to please other people I’m not certain of my decision; that’s why there’s a seed of doubt, a lack of confidence and that is when I’m concerned about other people’s opinions.
However, I interpret this question to mean a decision in which I am completely confident.
I can really only think of one instance where I’ve made a decision that is not deemed socially acceptable. It’s one of those things that most people consider right or wrong. Period. For me it was right.
Of course there’s more to the story, but most of the time you have a 20-second sound bite to tell another person about your decision. In 20 seconds the other person has formed a strong opinion and will hang onto that opinion regardless of your mitigating circumstances.
That’s when I say skip it.
I don’t care what anyone else thinks of my decision so I’m not interested in arguing. If another person wants to slam me because of that, go for it. It’s not worthy of an argument because I’m not interested in gaining acceptance from anyone else.
Really that’s the concept behind an argument — civil or otherwise. Each side is invested in their decision and each side wants global acceptance. When you’re not interested in gaining acceptance there’s no argument. How can there be? There’s no desire to convince the other side so there’s no engagement.
So yes, I could — and have — followed through with a decision that other people have opposed. Have you?
i probably would do it because the first sentence says: if you decided. once i decide something, it’s as good as done. it’s the before period when i’m unsure that my friends should have tied me to a radiator. if i can be talked out of it, then i really didn’t want to do it in the first place. i’m a stubborn donkey.
I definitely think it comes down to how confident you are about your decision. Discussing it with friends sort of negates that confidence I think, since it implies that you’re asking for advice and that you are uncertain about your decision.
Gregory Stock, Ph.D. I think you phoned this question in.
Oh, I go against what others deem is the best decision all the time. But once I have bounced my ideas off of folks, gathered the facts, and made my decision, I don’t care who approves and who doesn’t. Well, maybe I “care”, but I do it anyway. It drives folks nuts that I am head-strong. I have a lot of people who don’t like me because of that. I say “who cares?”.
It’s interesting how opinionated other people are, isn’t it? I find a lot of people throw out their thoughts after Mr. C and I have made certain choices. Even though they were never asked.
That boggles my mind. If you and I worked together and you walked in with a shaved head on Monday morning I would raise my eyebrows and then say something like, “I know what Lin did this weekend.”
But I would *not* hop in and tell you that you should have used bronzer on your skull to make your skin match. I *would* think that, however.
Absolutely I would do it.
I realised a long time ago that if you waited for someone else’s approval, you’d never get anything done. Other people are way too quick to cut you down.
And what do other people know, anyway? They might know their own situation well, but you can bet they either don’t know yours well enough, or don’t know what they’re talking about if they do. *And* they don’t have to live with the consequences, be they good or bad.
The only time I’d not do something would be if an expert on the subject advised me not to.
It does come down to people pleasing versus confidence, doesn’t it Solomon?
Absolutely other people can decide what they might do in the situation, but you can’t know until you’re in the midst of it. And, as you’ve mentioned, they’ll ultimately go with what was best for *them* regardless of what they might have speculated in the past.
It’s very easy to be a Monday morning quarterback and that is why I try to be a silent judge.
I would do it and actually have…lol – I got married despite everyone’s advice not to…looks like they were right ;)
Over the years, I’ve realized that my reasons for doing things are often very different than other people’s reasons so I need to follow my instincts. Generally, if I’m confident in my choice, I’ll do it; if not, I will listen to other people’s advice but still make my own choice. On rare occasions, if too many people keep telling me what I should do I may do the opposite of what they say out of pure spite. (Yes I am a giant 3 year old…lol)
(laughs) Did people offer that opinion without you asking for it?
I can relate to the spite issue. Really, if the decision does not physically impact them they should stifle it.
Yeah they definitely offered their opinion about the marriage without being asked…lol
Sure… asked a girl to marry me that I had known only two weeks. Everyone told us it would never last — back in 1972. We’re still together.
Woo-hoo, Mike! Now that’s the ultimate success to this question. But it begs the question, what made you so certain of that decision? How did you know in just two weeks?
And please don’t say — when you know, you know. Thank you in advance.
That was almost 38 years ago, so my recollection may not be totally accurate.
We had been talking on the phone, long distance, a lot. I surprised her twice during that two weeks at the bus station in Chicago when she had layovers on her way to and from Arkansas.
I was stationed at Great Lakes Naval Training Center at North Chicago, Illinois for school and would be leaving for Navy Nuclear Power School in Vallejo, California in 3 months. She offered to go to California, too, with no strings attached. I declined that and told her that the only way her going to California could work was if we were married and proposed.
What made us both so certain? I guess it was “love at first sight.” We just waited 2 weeks to make sure. ;)
When I think about it, talking on the phone is the precursor to chatting online. It’s a really good way to get to know someone from the inside.
It sounds like cooler heads prevailed based on the fact that you both waited the two weeks just to be sure :)
Uh, yeah.
I eloped. I get tattoos and piercings, I don’t work, etc. etc. etc.
My mother is constantly dismayed. (Which makes me giggle)
I’m one of those people, that once I have decided, I know I’ve decided and there is almost no stopping me.
Again, the marriage gig is a big one. I’m impressed. However, in retrospect, I do wish Mr. C and I eloped. It would have been a lot easier.
I’m a you know, you know type of people. It just feels good in my gut.
I recommend elopement and engagement rings a carat or under universally. Save yourself the ten grand and have half a down payment on a starter home.
It is crazy the cost of an engagement ring. I do love mine — it’s the right size 5/8ths and the price wouldn’t have made a dent in the closing costs.
I think it stopped us from eating out for a coupla months.
I do it all the time.
My career. My relationship. My hair (WTF, that’s my decision, anyway!). The town I live in… you get the idea.
My life, my choices. If I want advice, I’ll ask for it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll follow it.
…I may have a wee stubborn streak. Ahem.
It continues to amaze me that people offer unsolicited advice. I mean I seriously find that mind boggling. Dude, if I wanted to know what you thought, I would have asked.
What really boggles my mind is how people in my family have never seen me act… and yet decided to tell me what my strengths are – or aren’t – and tell me what I should be. (They tend to shut up when I drop “Lincoln Center” in conversation, but not always.)
That, and random people who a) exclaim over the length of my hair; b) then proceed to tell me what to do with it.
What the eff?
Opinions seem to fly regardless of the relationship, you know? I really do wonder about the random people who comment on your hair. I would love to know what they’re actually thinking.
Like if they considered it for one minute could they explain their motivation, why they feel compelled to tell you what to do. And then, how would they feel if you offered an opinion back about how to change their hair.
I wonder what they’d think of that.
Yep! I can do it, and have done it. Most times, not all, when I ask someone else, I’ve already made up my mind. And when it’s something I really want to do, I’m doing it. If I have to suffer later, so be it. I did it!
I have something for you on my site, “My first award.”
Now that’s something I can get behind — someone who stands her ground and then takes responsibility for her actions.
And suh-weet to the awards! Did you make sure to thank the Academy?
Yes.
I don’t tell people what I plan to do to get their advice, I tell them because I feel like it. No matter what anyone says, I always end up doing what I want to do anyway.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t listen and think about it, it just means that I trust my own judgment. Plus, I am the one who will have to deal with the consequences of my actions, not my friends. :-)