Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Oy vey. I’m never getting a cat; it’s just not in the cards for me. Why, you ask? Because my oldest kid has asthma and is allergic to cats but you probably already knew that.

These days my middle kid is flirting with asthma. It’s definitely not as severe as my oldest kid’s but it’s questionable and that is why we visited my old buddy the allergist. It seems my middle kid occasionally feels like an elephant is sitting on her chest and when that happens puffing on the oldest kid’s inhaler seems to help.

Sounds like an open and shut case, right? Wrong. Her symptoms are not consistent, I cannot find a trigger of any sort and I’m wondering if the inhaler is having a placebo effect on her. The doctor agreed but did not discount her tight chest so we left with a peak flow monitor, a spacer and an inhaler.

That was almost it until he looked up her prescription history on the computer and discovered the pediatrician had prescribed Flonase nasal spray in the spring. “Does she have allergies?” he asked.

“I’m not sure; she sneezes a lot in the spring.”

“Let’s do a scratch test before you leave,” he said.

Have you ever had a scratch test? It’s not really a scratch. It’s more of digging-a-needle-in-the-skin-and-then-scraping-it-back-out test. Four rows of six on her back.

The results came back like this: allergies to all trees, leaves and pollen which is why she sneezes a lot in the spring. The next row on her back showed up as dust mites. And row three was the domestic cat. Damnation.

So in addition to never having a cat again, I now have to worry about dust mites making a shanty town in the bed skirts. I also need to buy a few mattress covers for two mattresses and two box springs since she shares a room with her younger sister who, as of yet, is not allergic to cats or dust mites.

Now that I’m going on a shopping spree maybe I should break the bank and buy some satin pillowcases while I’m at it. Although those things are pretty slippery, aren’t they? I don’t need her sliding out of bed in the middle of the night, banging her head on the floor and spiraling into an asthma attack.

I’ll just keep using cotton pillowcases and wait for those dust mites to trigger an attack.

At least then I won’t have to deal with a concussion.

There are two schools of thought regarding fluorescent light bulb clean up. There’s the EPA-recommended method and then there’s the Cardiogirl method.

The Cardiogirl Method (aka The Wrong Way)

Please note: swearing is the key to this method.

1. Stand in shock as you watch poisonous vapors slowly disperse throughout the room.

2. Let loose with a string of profanities.

3. Pick up the largest pieces with your bare hands and throw them in the trash. Sweep up the remaining shards with a broom and dustpan and dump it all in the trash. Be aware that microscopic shards of glass will be. Ev. Ery. Where. Since the pieces seem to be lighter than air.

4. Mumble expletives as you fill your lungs with all of the poisonous mercury floating in the air.

5. Pray fervently that medicare part d will cover all of the prescription drugs necessary to deal with this problem 25 years from now.

6. Finish the job with a Shop-Vac while swearing under your breath.

7. Leave the final shards in the Shop-Vac; take out the trash.

8. As an after thought, wash your hands thoroughly.

9. Swear some more later in the day.

The EPA-Recommended Method (aka The Right Way)

I’ve bolded the instructions that look like they might be important.

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.

3. Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).

4. Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.

5. Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.

6. Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

7. Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it. If your state permits you to put used or broken fluorescent light bulbs in the garbage, seal the bulb in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash (if no other disposal or recycling options are available).

8. Wash your hands after disposing of the bag.

9. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

And that concludes this Public Service Announcement; we’ll now return to regular programming.

I’m a pessimist.

Not only is the glass half empty — effer — it’s got someone else’s lipstick stain on the rim and there’s clear evidence of backwash.

But at least I can laugh at my pessimism. Thanks for the link Jen.