Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I wish I were a better housekeeper. Strike that, I wish I had a housekeeper.

I got a phone call yesterday at 5 p.m. from an insurance guy who needs to take pictures of our house for a new homeowner’s policy. And he’s coming over this morning at 10.

Side note: If I never post again it was the faux insurance guy who killed me and then hid my body. His first name is Rick, I didn’t catch his last name.

We switched insurance companies and are saving a thousand bucks a year, but part of the deal is that they come inside and photograph the kitchen, bathrooms and basement. I wanted to get it over with so I told him to come over today and then I set about frantically cleaning the house. I should really install a few enclosed bulletin boards. That way my to-do lists would remain where I put them and not under the table.

I can work myself into an anxious frenzy with little to no notice and I absolutely hate the pop-in. Most of the time, the house is ready for a pop-in but I prefer having advance notice so I clean to my satisfaction.

I can tolerate 75% cleanliness with my kids and husband. Everyone else requires 100% and I’m talking about everyone — the furnace repairman, a neighbor who ran out of butter (yep, I have one neighbor who’s allowed inside to borrow food) and the cable guy. If I hung one of those enclosed fabric bulletin boards in my kitchen I would have a decorative place to put all of my kids’ school work. Ugh, they come home with half a forest in their backpacks every day.

But keeping order in the house would be easier. I routinely scour this place for the babysitter, my kids’ friends and overnight guest. It never fails; once a foreign body is in my house I suddenly have X-ray vision. Those are the times, while I’m sitting on the couch, that I notice the cobwebs in the corner and the yogurt container that my kid left on the bookshelf.

Excellent.

Back to my lack of organizational skills. I could probably install enclosed cork bulletin boards on the inside door of my bedroom closet. No one would be the wiser and I could keep things under control. Well, I could keep my lists in one spot and I could use some snazzy push pins without my kids stealing them.

But the thought of this guy coming into the house and capturing this stuff on film — forever — has sent me into a crazy spiral. I know that he’ll use a digital camera and that the photos will be attached to our policy. I realize these insurance people could give a shit about a missed glob of shaving cream on the bottom of my pedestal sink.

But knowing that I’ll see it while he’s snapping away is really making my chest tight. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, it really is difficult to be me.

There are two schools of thought regarding fluorescent light bulb clean up. There’s the EPA-recommended method and then there’s the Cardiogirl method.

The Cardiogirl Method (aka The Wrong Way)

Please note: swearing is the key to this method.

1. Stand in shock as you watch poisonous vapors slowly disperse throughout the room.

2. Let loose with a string of profanities.

3. Pick up the largest pieces with your bare hands and throw them in the trash. Sweep up the remaining shards with a broom and dustpan and dump it all in the trash. Be aware that microscopic shards of glass will be. Ev. Ery. Where. Since the pieces seem to be lighter than air.

4. Mumble expletives as you fill your lungs with all of the poisonous mercury floating in the air.

5. Pray fervently that medicare part d will cover all of the prescription drugs necessary to deal with this problem 25 years from now.

6. Finish the job with a Shop-Vac while swearing under your breath.

7. Leave the final shards in the Shop-Vac; take out the trash.

8. As an after thought, wash your hands thoroughly.

9. Swear some more later in the day.

The EPA-Recommended Method (aka The Right Way)

I’ve bolded the instructions that look like they might be important.

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.

3. Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).

4. Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.

5. Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.

6. Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

7. Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it. If your state permits you to put used or broken fluorescent light bulbs in the garbage, seal the bulb in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash (if no other disposal or recycling options are available).

8. Wash your hands after disposing of the bag.

9. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

And that concludes this Public Service Announcement; we’ll now return to regular programming.

TO: Hormel Foods
FROM: Cardiogirl
RE: Bacon’s Safe Release

I think it’s safe to say the internet loves bacon. It’s a tasty, salty treat that enhances everything it touches. And it’s a sensation on the world wide web.

Not only is it delectable and savory, but it is also a being of sorts here in the blogosphere.

He’s a jolly little fellow who takes field trips, has a friend named Ice Cream and travels about town documenting his adventures. He was doing just fine, minding his own business, until some bloggers came along and kidnapped him.

They left a ransom note and then whisked him into hiding while posting photos of him in an attempt to raise money to offset the costs of their blogging conference.

As you can see in this photo, his captors are forcing him to eat raw bacon which is wrong but interesting in an Escher-esque sort of way. It’s like the cycle just continually goes around in a never-ending circle. Interesting as that may be, it must stop.

Clearly Bacon has a sunny disposition because he’s smiling in this photo rather than gagging on the raw meat.

Regardless I beseech the powers that be at Hormel Foods to help end this madness. These hooligans are asking people to donate to their cause via Kickstarter. Although they’ve met their initial goal of $500 they are now asking for upwards of $15,000 to release Bacon.

Please save Bacon, Hormel!