Posts Tagged ‘Things that get on my very last nerve’

An open letter to my cargo pants

Friday, January 25th, 2013


TO: My Cargo Pants
FROM: Cardiogirl
RE: Your faulty zipper

Hey Cargo,

How are you on this blustery Friday morning? I hope all is well. Let me start by saying I really enjoy the olive green/khaki color which allows me to pair you with a variety of shirts and sweaters. I admire versatility in a pair of pants.

I also like the amount of pockets peppered along the back and the side of each leg, really top notch. However, there is one area that has given me pause for the last couple of years.

Yes, we both know I am referring to your zipper.

Why do you consistently fall off track? There’s a stopper at the bottom. That’s your cue to stop, pal. If you stopped there every time, both sides of the zipper would remain on track. You’d easily zip up and down, the fly would remain a functional way to ensure modesty and things would be groovy.

It is true that you’ve been cooped up in the dresser drawer for months on end but I have to have consistent coverage; that’s a deal breaker. Please be advised that I have been forced to go Pinterest on your ass.

This probably won’t hurt too much, but you should be aware that the fix includes a pair of pliers.

I know we can be good friends again. Let’s both keep our eyes on the prize, shall we?

Now I have to wait another decade to get a cat

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

Oy vey. I’m never getting a cat; it’s just not in the cards for me. Why, you ask? Because my oldest kid has asthma and is allergic to cats but you probably already knew that.

These days my middle kid is flirting with asthma. It’s definitely not as severe as my oldest kid’s but it’s questionable and that is why we visited my old buddy the allergist. It seems my middle kid occasionally feels like an elephant is sitting on her chest and when that happens puffing on the oldest kid’s inhaler seems to help.

Sounds like an open and shut case, right? Wrong. Her symptoms are not consistent, I cannot find a trigger of any sort and I’m wondering if the inhaler is having a placebo effect on her. The doctor agreed but did not discount her tight chest so we left with a peak flow monitor, a spacer and an inhaler.

That was almost it until he looked up her prescription history on the computer and discovered the pediatrician had prescribed Flonase nasal spray in the spring. “Does she have allergies?” he asked.

“I’m not sure; she sneezes a lot in the spring.”

“Let’s do a scratch test before you leave,” he said.

Have you ever had a scratch test? It’s not really a scratch. It’s more of digging-a-needle-in-the-skin-and-then-scraping-it-back-out test. Four rows of six on her back.

The results came back like this: allergies to all trees, leaves and pollen which is why she sneezes a lot in the spring. The next row on her back showed up as dust mites. And row three was the domestic cat. Damnation.

So in addition to never having a cat again, I now have to worry about dust mites making a shanty town in the bed skirts. I also need to buy a few mattress covers for two mattresses and two box springs since she shares a room with her younger sister who, as of yet, is not allergic to cats or dust mites.

Now that I’m going on a shopping spree maybe I should break the bank and buy some satin pillowcases while I’m at it. Although those things are pretty slippery, aren’t they? I don’t need her sliding out of bed in the middle of the night, banging her head on the floor and spiraling into an asthma attack.

I’ll just keep using cotton pillowcases and wait for those dust mites to trigger an attack.

At least then I won’t have to deal with a concussion.

The faux book of questions, Saturday edition Volume 2

Saturday, November 5th, 2011

As you may know, Friday is supposed to be The Book of Questions Day around these parts. They always come from “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

But things are not running smoothly over here so I’m becoming a blogging maverick and I’m making my own questions up on Saturday whenever I remember that it is, indeed, Saturday.

So here’s the faux question.

The neighbor who lives behind you has a large dog that resembles a semi-albino German Shepherd with icy-cold blue eyes. The neighbor leaves the dog outside, many times per day, long enough for the dog to issue incessant bark-whines while sitting in front of the sliding doors on the deck.

The dog actually whines as it barks asking to go inside. It sort of sounds like whah, whaah, whaaaah with the pitch of the bark going from high to low.

Do you confront the neighbor?

As you may have guessed, this happens multiple times per day, every day. I hear it in the summer when I have the windows open and we’re swimming in the backyard. I hear it in fall, winter and spring when the windows are closed and the furnace is running. Occasionally, I hear it in my sleep.

So far I’ve done nothing besides bitch about it to Mr. C and, now, to you. I’ve timed the length of the barks; they average around 13 minutes. I came close to writing a note so I could leave it in their mailbox with the hopes that they would then submit it to but I chickened out.

I then considered knocking on that person’s front door and gently mentioning that the dog seems to want to come in and perhaps the owner did not hear the dog barking. If someone knocked on my door for that reason — and was nice about it — I’d want to know. But then I figured most people are assholes when it comes to face-to-face confrontations so I skipped that route.

So far I’ve done nothing. However, I do think my best bet is to leave a fun, brightly decorated passive-aggressive note complete with doodles.

Of course I’d have to leave the note at three in the morning.

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