Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

I believe I’ve mentioned that the flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl is nothing like the virtual red-shirt-wearin’, ponytail-flickin’ Cardiogirl. That’s just reality any way you slice it and I can guarantee you that Mom Zombie can attest to that.

I know this because I sat next to Mom Zombie for 12 weeks this summer and barely said a word to her. Why? Because I’m single-minded wherever I go. I don’t really chat people up. Ever.

So I knew my worlds were going to collide when I accepted Rock and Drool’s invitation to attend a PR event for McDonald’s new and improved Happy Meals. She and I had never met but we’d had a few online chats. And now she was going to meet anti-social flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl. Oy.

What I didn’t expect was to run into Mom Zombie, who I did not know was a blogger. Once we settled into McDonald’s Playland, she approached me, sunny personality intact, and asked if we knew each other.

I said no.

She said she thought our daughters were in gymnastics together.

I said no.

Still upbeat, she said she thought they had a class together at the Y. And then I realized, yes. Yes, indeed, they had a 12-week-long class together and I saw her repeatedly that summer and barely said, “Hey.”

So then I was falling all over myself trying to recover. What a small world, huh? But it was about to get even smaller.

It was then that Melissa, who was hosting the event, came over and casually asked if we both knew each other as bloggers. Uh. Say what?

Yes, ma’am. The woman I’ve been ignoring all summer is a fellow Michigan blogger and we have actually crossed paths — ONLINE — in the last few years. Yep.

So I think we bloggers need to come up with some sort of code word to prevent the shock of such a collision. It could be windowbox or even flower boxes because I think you could work that into conversation pretty easily.

Casual chit-chat usually includes the weather, doesn’t it? I think you could say something like, “It’s been so dry this summer that the flowers in my window boxes are wilting by four o’clock each day.”

Is it the middle of winter? No problem. “I just love my flower boxes. In winter I decorate them with garland and fake pointsettias.”

See how that works? My head wouldn’t have exploded over there at McDonald’s if bloggers across the cyberworld could all agree on a common code word. Got any suggestions?

I’m a simple gal; it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Sunshine, Converse low tops and/or chocolate — that’s the key to my happiness. So I am extra thrilled to share a recent discovery.

Finally — *cue CeCe Peniston* FINALLY — I figured out how to provide MY OWN default gravatar for those folks who forgot to bring theirs with them to the VIP Lounge. In the past I had to rely on a scant few choices provided by WordPress. As you may recall, I had monsters. Not my first choice, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Unless the beggar is an obsessive pit bull who. Will. Not. Stop. Until the problem is solved. *growls*

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been gnawing on this problem for a really long time. I have stood in the rain, face turned up to the sky, while shaking my fists in the air.

I don’t want monsters. I don’t want quilt shapes and I will not stand for the grayed out silhouette of an anonymous head and shoulders. I won’t.

What I want is a Converse low top.

So after months of gnashing my teeth I finally figured out how to beat WordPress into submission. But not before I jacked up my site by adding code to the function file and then spending a while on the phone with Bluehost.

Thanks to the Add New Default Avatar plugin I can now provide a bitchin’ gravatar for all of the Lounge visitors who’ve forgotten theirs.*

Damn straight that’s the back of a Converse nestled in the lush, green grass.

No shirt, no low tops? No problem in the Lounge.

You’re welcome.

*Linda, I know you prefer stilettos, but you always forget to bring them when you stop by. This’ll give your dogs a rest while you’re here.