Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I’m a simple gal; it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Sunshine, Converse low tops and/or chocolate — that’s the key to my happiness. So I am extra thrilled to share a recent discovery.

Finally — *cue CeCe Peniston* FINALLY — I figured out how to provide MY OWN default gravatar for those folks who forgot to bring theirs with them to the VIP Lounge. In the past I had to rely on a scant few choices provided by WordPress. As you may recall, I had monsters. Not my first choice, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Unless the beggar is an obsessive pit bull who. Will. Not. Stop. Until the problem is solved. *growls*

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been gnawing on this problem for a really long time. I have stood in the rain, face turned up to the sky, while shaking my fists in the air.

I don’t want monsters. I don’t want quilt shapes and I will not stand for the grayed out silhouette of an anonymous head and shoulders. I won’t.

What I want is a Converse low top.

So after months of gnashing my teeth I finally figured out how to beat WordPress into submission. But not before I jacked up my site by adding code to the function file and then spending a while on the phone with Bluehost.

Thanks to the Add New Default Avatar plugin I can now provide a bitchin’ gravatar for all of the Lounge visitors who’ve forgotten theirs.*

Damn straight that’s the back of a Converse nestled in the lush, green grass.

No shirt, no low tops? No problem in the Lounge.

You’re welcome.

*Linda, I know you prefer stilettos, but you always forget to bring them when you stop by. This’ll give your dogs a rest while you’re here.

Recently I wrote a comment somewhere that said something like, “I should try to see the cup as half full.” I’m not sure if I wrote that on my blog in reply to a comment or if I left that at another person’s blog but the sentiment is the same. I should try to be more optimistic.

So instead of adding to my list of things I think would suck, I’m going to make a list of things that would not suck.

Side note: I recently met 2Commentaristas through Tribal Blogs and they have a fun feature called i Wish. This post looks like I stole the idea from them, but I swear this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a few months now. It really was born out of a desire for a yin to my things-I-think-would-suck yang. So my apologies to the 2Commentaristas; your i Wish feature is da bomb.

Being able to temporarily pause a cold

This feature would be available once during the calendar year. It would allow you to opt out for one day in the middle of a nasty cold/flu. For instance, your illness starts on Tuesday night and on Thursday you have a big presentation at work. You would be able to pause that cold on Thursday morning so you could focus at work and then resume the cold when you got home that night.

That would be really cool but I’m not sure who would police it because you know someone would figure out how to game the system. There’s always one asshole who ruins it for everyone else. Why is that god?

Being able to eliminate a computer virus with one click of a button.

And because we’re talking about things that would be cool, this feature would be available at anytime after the start of the virus.

For instance, let’s say the Trojan Horse arrived at 9 am on Saturday and you didn’t realize that things were FUBAR until Tuesday morning. You’d just hit the No Trojan Horse key and things would go back to normal.

And no computer hacker in the world would ever be able to write a code to disable that key. Ever.

Being able to block chain letters from your email account.

It seems like someone could write a code to flag — and immediately delete — emails that have the following phrases in the body text:

“send this on to …”

“send this back to me …”

“this chain has not been broken …”

“powerful novena …”

“please do not break this chain …”

“five minutes after you hit send …”

That would be cool.

Total nostalgic side note: Remember the good old days when chain letters came in the mail? For the first three or four times I was thrilled to get a chain letter. I really can’t remember what the content was except to say that I had to send that letter on to five, seven or 10 other people within a week.

I remember the whole process: I wrote out that same letter, over and over, on college-ruled paper, addressed the envelopes and licked all of the stamps so I wouldn’t be responsible for breaking the chain. Because really bad stuff was gonna happen if I did break it.

And just in case you wondered, the links of those chains never once touched the ground at my house. That sucker blew right through my mailbox and gathered steam on its way out.

Alright, Han stopped by and left a link that makes me want to conduct an experiment. The link is to a blog post called “Dear Universe: I’m placing an order for a boyfriend” and it was written by Not That Kind of Girl.

As Not That Kind of Girl was perusing M4W and W4M ads on Craigslist she discovered “men described all the qualities they wanted in a woman; women described all the qualities they possessed. But nowhere did anyone make any demands on men.”

That, in itself, is really interesting to me but I’m getting off track here.

She wrote a tongue-in-cheek ad with things she’s looking for in a man and placed it on Craigslist. Part of her ad goes like this:

You are: very, very, very smart. Do not trifle with me about this. I don’t mean smart compared to your dumbass friends; you are smart compared to the general populace. And you’re kind of a jerk about it sometimes, but that’s okay, because I like you a little better for that.

You do not play World of Warcraft.

You are an old-fashioned gentleman, in that you don’t mention your psychological diagnoses until several months in…. We all have baggage. If you have hidden yours successfully for this long, then I commend and respect you.

I love that she throws out — up front — that the guy does not play World of Warcraft.

Anyway, now I want to come up with a Craigslist ad to find more blog readers. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Here’s my working copy:

Quirky blogger looking for amusing readers

I should start by saying I’m not looking for love. True, I did place this ad in W4M as well as W4W but I’m just looking for people to hang out with on my blog. I do have a core of fun readers who regularly chat in my VIP Lounge — the comment section of my blog — but it’s not a party until we’re all smashed against the walls and a few people are opening the windows so they can vomit outside.

So while I’m not looking for a lover I am looking for someone who has Morton’s toe and who has a slight distaste for Ms. Oprah Winfrey. You don’t have to hate on the O, but if you TiVo her show and have a subscription to her magazine we might not get along.

I really don’t care for French tips, especially on toenails. I can work with a manicure, but a pedicure is definitely out. So if you have a thin white line on your toenails and you’re going to talk about incessantly we can never be friends. You can wear your flip flops virtually because I’ll never see your toes in the Lounge, but don’t shout about them via your comment, okay?

I’m not into politics, so if you routinely channel Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Chris Matthews or Sarah Palin before you speak, we will not get along.

If you’re going to try to sell me stuff don’t stop by. If you’re dying to ask me if I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior you should also keep on truckin’. I’m not a fan of Precious Moments figurines, but I can let that go.

It’s imperative that you know I despise squirrels so if you’re card-carrying member of PETA and you believe the squirrels should reign supreme we will not get along. At. All.

Otherwise I’m pretty mellow. If you think we can jive, stop by www.cardiogirl.net and say hi. Just make sure to leave the pet squirrel outside on its leash.