Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I believe I’ve mentioned that the flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl is nothing like the virtual red-shirt-wearin’, ponytail-flickin’ Cardiogirl. That’s just reality any way you slice it and I can guarantee you that Mom Zombie can attest to that.

I know this because I sat next to Mom Zombie for 12 weeks this summer and barely said a word to her. Why? Because I’m single-minded wherever I go. I don’t really chat people up. Ever.

So I knew my worlds were going to collide when I accepted Rock and Drool’s invitation to attend a PR event for McDonald’s new and improved Happy Meals. She and I had never met but we’d had a few online chats. And now she was going to meet anti-social flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl. Oy.

What I didn’t expect was to run into Mom Zombie, who I did not know was a blogger. Once we settled into McDonald’s Playland, she approached me, sunny personality intact, and asked if we knew each other.

I said no.

She said she thought our daughters were in gymnastics together.

I said no.

Still upbeat, she said she thought they had a class together at the Y. And then I realized, yes. Yes, indeed, they had a 12-week-long class together and I saw her repeatedly that summer and barely said, “Hey.”

So then I was falling all over myself trying to recover. What a small world, huh? But it was about to get even smaller.

It was then that Melissa, who was hosting the event, came over and casually asked if we both knew each other as bloggers. Uh. Say what?

Yes, ma’am. The woman I’ve been ignoring all summer is a fellow Michigan blogger and we have actually crossed paths — ONLINE — in the last few years. Yep.

So I think we bloggers need to come up with some sort of code word to prevent the shock of such a collision. It could be windowbox or even flower boxes because I think you could work that into conversation pretty easily.

Casual chit-chat usually includes the weather, doesn’t it? I think you could say something like, “It’s been so dry this summer that the flowers in my window boxes are wilting by four o’clock each day.”

Is it the middle of winter? No problem. “I just love my flower boxes. In winter I decorate them with garland and fake pointsettias.”

See how that works? My head wouldn’t have exploded over there at McDonald’s if bloggers across the cyberworld could all agree on a common code word. Got any suggestions?

As you may know, the Catholic church is going to shake things up on November 27 by changing the wording of some of the standard responses during the Mass. The reason behind it is to get in synch with the rest of the world by staying closer to the literal translations.

So when the priest says, “Peace be with you,” we will not say “And also with you.” Instead we will reply “And with your spirit.”

That’s not the only change, it’s just the easiest one to use for illustrative purposes. There are a lot of other changes that are coming to trip up my fellow Catholic homies (especially the C and E-ers) and I’m not looking forward to our priest’s behavior during this transitional period.

Brother is not a patient man. At all.

He frequently gets pissed off when we’re not quite sure when to stand or sit. Instead of just adding, “Please rise while we profess yada yada yada” he screws up his face, rolls his eyes and yanks his arms upward.

I’d like to see him stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of other people on the floor of the NY Stock Exchange and do everything right. Would he know if it’s okay to yell, “My client wants to add to his IRA accounts”? Can a client add to his IRA accounts in that hot mess of screaming stew? I don’t know but if I did I wouldn’t shame him by openly rolling my eyes.

If suddenly he got so frustrated he started to rap some crazy talk, I’d try to support him by nodding my head to beat. And if you’ve ever attended a Catholic service you know priests can turn out a mean chant. Holla!

I totally stole that from Kathy, but it’s awesome and it should be used again and again.

Online trading — where you at?

Mobile trading — got a cat?

The Son said stock trading is the way

John to the B knows that’s okay.

All I’m saying is, there are ways to walk gently into that good night. When face-to-face, practice humble acceptance and then fire up the computer to leave the rants on your blog. I know God would want it that way.

Hunger strikes make absolutely no sense to me. I don’t get it. The only person who is hurt by a hunger strike is the person who’s clamping his jaws shut. Although I will admit I’m impressed with a person who can go without food for more than five and a half days. And yes, in case you’re wondering, a four-day hunger strike just doesn’t sound that impressive to me.

So why all this talk of hunger strikes? Because I read about the hikers in Iran who who were convicted of spying for the US and were sentenced to jail.

The two guys are still in jail but a third person, Sarah Shourd, was freed last week for “health reasons” because she found a lump in her breast. That makes no sense to me. She was in jail in Iran and because she found a lump in her breast she was released? Why can’t the guys say they have a lump in their testicles?

Anyway, while I was watching some news videos of Shourd she mentioned that she went on a couple hunger strikes while she was in jail. I find it really difficult to believe that an Iranian guard is going to give a rat’s ass about some American who refuses to eat.

Isn’t that the equivalent of a kid saying she’s going to hold her breath until she gets a puppy? Are there any political activists in the house who can break this down for me?

How does a hunger strike work, when is it considered successful and am I a jackass for even asking?

Please note that if you call me a jackass I will hold my breath until I pass out.