Spam Mash-Up featuring Karla, Mike and Patti
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The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.
So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time the spam was sort of like Seinfeld’s black and white cookie — for each negative comment there was a positive one — so it all evened out in the end.
Today’s spam has a New Age, self-help feel to it: we’ll be discussing mental health, how to successfully lose weight and detoxing from pot.
Sometimes things just suck
First up is Karla. She comes from a long line of alcoholics and manic depressives.
Mental health issues are very important in my family. We have depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety (PTSD) from the long wars, and just plain old alcohol problems.
I am convinced my family has bad genetic material for so many of us to be this messed up.
She’s said so much in so few words, hasn’t she? I’m actually desperate to hear about the long wars that she’s mentioned. I also enjoyed the fact that she’s deemed alcohol problems as so passe. I wonder if it was a Freudian slip when she referred to mental issues as “very important” in her family. I would have used the word prevalent instead. Regardless, this comment could easily describe my family of origin.
And I’ve come to the very same conclusion that Karla has: “I am convinced my family has bad genetic material for so many of us to be this messed up.” Speak it, sister.
The boot straps are there for a reason
In contrast, Mike has offered advice on how to solve the problem — in this case, losing weight. Typical of a man, offering solutions rather than listening with empathy.
Okay, here’s what you do. First, you have to go on a diet. No junk food or candy or stuff like that. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, and drink lots of water or milk. Stay away from soda or energy drinks.
Then you have to work out a lot. Exercise for at least a half an hour each day by doing sit ups, push ups, pull ups, and running. Lifting weights helps too. Try it.
My dad did the same thing when he was in high school and got six pack abs and strong muscles. He still has it, and trust me, he’s older than you think.
I have no idea why but when I read this comment I imagined Mike in a locker room giving a pep talk. He’s wearing a gray sweatshirt and sweatpants with elastic at the ankles while a whistle hangs around his neck. He’s sitting on a locker room bench, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and the whistle swings like a pendulum with each effusive hand movement.
Just before he utters the last sentence, he places his hands on his thighs and stands up to punctuate his point: “He still has it, and trust me, he’s older than you think.”
Now get out there and do it for the Gipper!
*Cue the harmonica* The road is long …
Finally there’s Patti who’s struggling to get off pot. She’s sort of a mix between Karla and Mike in that she’s talking about the problem and how it makes her feel yet she’s given an analysis on how the solution is working.
Today is only Day 5, but yesterday was hard.
The first four days I felt pretty good and a sense of relief. I felt I was making the right choice to give up pot but somehow without pot and alcohol life just seems grey. I used to look forward to smoking pot and really enjoyed it.
Ironically, I don’t feel a whole lot different without it –- I think I had built up so much tolerance I wasn’t really getting that high, but without it I am more anxious and irritable. Unmotivated.
I just hope today is easier.
Patti seems to have taken the Hollies’ advice to heart: she’s sharing the load and I’m willing to bet it’s no longer weighing her down.
At all.
Tags: Things on which I have an opinion, Things that are fun!, Things that require my sarcasm
AHAHAHAHA…now I will have to look more closely at my spam’s! I’ve glanced before but never pay much attention…could be very interesting, obviously.
Lisa recently posted..This Time I REALLY Mean It!
I have to say I respect a spammer who can put a new twist on an old scam.
I love spam! I read my spam folder, too. I especially liked the one that detailed how my blog could convey an incorrect point of view with such eloquence and idiocy. It was like building me up and putting me down at the same time.
I’ve gotten a few of those, too, and they really are my favorite. You have to spend some amount of time crafting the bad with the good while keeping a light-hearted tone. I respect that kind of wordsmithing.
My spam is not quite that interesting, usually just bad links. But I did get spammed in French the other day. This was left as a comment on a poem: “remarquablement, l’information utile”. Translation – remarkably useful information.
Glad I could help!
It does make me feel good when a spammer tells me I’m awesome and somehow what I have written has brightened his or her day. Empty statements but they still fill me up unlike empty calories.
i like mike. his comment is valid and good advice. go back and approve his comment and welcome him to the VIP lounge.
empty calories makes one full of shet. i’d like to see that in a fortune cookie one day.
I should have given Mike entry. Perhaps he’ll swing by again to tell us if he has a six pack, just like dear old dad.
Funny you mention fortune cookies because that’s going to be one of my next editions. I have a few one-sentence statements that would work really well inside a fortune cookie.
I find that most problems in life can be solved with good sex.
Occasionally a high dosage is needed, so get extra to be sure.
If I Were God… recently posted..Why God made sluts
So there’s no issue with accidentally OD-ing?
Definitely not. Good sex will not kill you.
A husband coming home early might, but not the sex itself.
If I Were God… recently posted..Why God made sluts
RT @cardiogirl: Spam mash-up featuring Karla, Mike and Patti http://t.co/MtRciBB
Patti feels unmotivated now that she’s OFF pot?! What the hell kind of pot do you people have down there? Please email Patti and give her my address.
Les Becker recently posted..Mud-Suckin’ Duck…
I know! It’s obvious she was getting substandard pot that had been cut with actual grass or tobacco. I think the stuff you get in Canada (or is it Even More Canada that you reside in?) is clearly superior and it’s nice to see a Canuck helping an American out in a time of need.
Okay, I am DYING laughing at your imagined perception of Spammer Mike. No one works Spam emails better than you, my friend. HILARIOUS!
Thanks Meleah! Now I see block letters on the back of his sweatshirt that proudly say “SPAMMER MIKE” with the number 1 underneath.
Ahahahah! Hell. Yes.
Yeah, Mike’s dad did pushups and pullups in high school and had six pack abs. High schoolers just have to walk across the room and they get six pack abs.
There’s something so 1970′s about pull ups, isn’t there? I bet Mike’s dad also wore tube socks with red horizontal stripes up there on the calf.
Oh! You know he was able to climb the rope in gym class.
Who are these people? I feel like I know them or I should know them. Karla and Patti are my kind of girls. I like alcohol and pot too. And Mike is studly, we all know that. 6 pack abs are over-rated though. I’m more impressed with the gray sweatpants and the whistle. It sounds kind of phallic.
Linda Medrano recently posted..Remember the 8th Commandment
There’s nothing like a man with a good looking whistle.
I never get any spam :( WTF spammers?! I’m not good enough for you?
injaynesworld recently posted..injaynesworld What A Long- Strange Trip Its Been
Don’t worry, I still haven’t received that anti-American women comment. I’ve seen it everywhere — don’t date American women, they suck, blah blah blah; everywhere but here, that is.
I really need to start checking out my spam folder! To quote from Seinfeld “That’s gold, Jerry. GOLD!”
Hola CG,
Ah the good ole spam folder, it provides such gems no? I also like to look at the search engine words that bring folks to my neck of the innawebs. I’m also astonished by the number of people who are looking for the same thing that stumble to my blog as in the two folks who were looking for traditional clothing somali male. I wonder how they felt when they opened my blog post only to find that I was referring to a man looking malnourished…I may never know but I’m smiling on the inside. So far with the new blog my favorite has been fugly children and midgets on the Newlywed Game.
Side note I’m rooting for Patti I can’t imagine someone lazier off pot than on pot but my heart goes out to her, LOL!
Faith recently posted..Hashish My Brother Says – Open Up the Window and Let The Bird Fly In…
i get a lot of spams from people who claim that my blog helped them with their “shool assignments(s).” i can’t imagine what kind of assignment they were working on, though. hopefully not spelling.
rockle recently posted..Wack-a-doodle-doo
I’ve only gotten one fun spam comment. Sigh. Maybe when I’m a popular as you I will get you enjoy the likes of Mike. :-)
Junebug recently posted..The Raptures Silver Lining
Most of my spam is gibberish. The rest are comments like “Useful information”. Not that I get much of it. Yours at least make fun reading.
Babs (beetle) recently posted..An eye emergency of a different kind
Dang. You get way better spam than I do. Mine are all so…I don’t know. Cliche’.
Margaret recently posted..Reality TV Defense- It’s The Latest Thing- Man
I love spam…. it always makes me laugh. I found one recently that had hidden text in it though which scared me. You know what though? Your spam is much more intelligent than mine… consider yourself lucky that you get the “good” spammers!
I have a pretty good email filter, so I don’t get spam, but your post kinda makes me wish I still did. How twisted is that? As if that wasn’t bad enough, now I have the Monty Pyton Spam song stuck in my head. Thanks a bunch.
HumorSmith recently posted..Practically Magic
I get a lot of spam from people asking me to send them Bibles. How weird is that?
Would you send me one too?
Jen recently posted..Man Dies Trying to Commit Suicide
I know I’m late to the party, but I just wanted to say I love the spam posts!!
I also apologize for my long absence, but school is over (as is my overload semester full of incompetence and idiocy!) and I can actually comment coherently once again.
I’m betting that Karla’s family might be alcoholics because of the long wars. I know long wars make me drink, which is why I’ve been drinking since at least the first time we invaded Iraq or Iran, dang, I drink so much not even sure which one it is anymore. I bet if the wars are happening in your backyard, real wars.. not like the long ones we have – war on drugs, war on terrorism, war on bad grammar – it takes a toll on you and your family.
Jen recently posted..Man Dies Trying to Commit Suicide
That’s it. I REALLY miss your blog posts. Please come back soon!
will you ever blog again?
What has happened to the C-Girl?
[...] So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time we had a New Age bent — in which we discussed mental health and detoxing from pot. [...]