Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Sometimes I have a hankerin’ for deep-fried spam with a little salt and pepper

Okay, I know everyone and his sister has done this post, but now it’s my turn, so there. I’ve been collecting fun spam for a while and here I present the ones that have caught my eye. I especially enjoy the stilted grammar and free-flowing use of punctuation marks (or not) so I have left the statements in their pure, unabridged form.

Your message raises contradictions in my head.

Huh, I didn’t think I was that controversial, but I like the idea of it.

For some reason, this sentence makes me feel like a Nordic viking who has just disembarked the wooden ship and slammed a flag pole into this person’s brain.

I imagine I have one of those cool metal helmets with horns on top and two fake blond braids on each side.

What are my options if my bf has an panic attack? He hasn’t had any issues since I met him (10 months from now), in the past he has tolerated a lot due to anxiety, and he still takes medication for that. going through a lot of life changes today (grad school, looking for a home, etc…) and even though I believe he’ll be just fine, he might get anxious, or have an panic attack. What could I do?

I just love the idea of playing Dear Abby for a day.

Dear Girlfriend in a Haze,

It sounds like you’re into time travel. You said, “He hasn’t had (past tense) any issues since you met him, ten months from now (future tense.) I suggest you live in the past where he has no issues.

Otherwise, you should walk softly and carry a big bottle of Xanax.

Dear Author http://www.cardiogirl.net !
Bravo, this remarkable idea is necessary just by the way

Thank you. I agree.

How come only your fingers and toes get prune in the shower and nothing else does?

This is something I’m curious about as well. It may be time for another Inane questions answered post. If you’re desperate for an answer right now you could contact Les or Becky. I bet they’d give you one freebie.

Who says the internet is full of garbage? Great post! Rock on……

Not me, brother. Now excuse me while I rock on.

I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.

I didn’t know George Costanza reads my blog. Sweet and welcome to the Cardiogirl Empire!

augh…

This one is perplexing and here’s why. I use the word augh as a frustrated exclamation as in, AUUGGHHH! I also duplicate the letters in the word to express my agitation.

However, with ellipses and in all lower case this evokes a quaint 19th Century charm. I see a man in a waistcoat and pipe saying, “augh…” as a contented sigh.

I just cash in on the fact that I’m good looking, and I’ve got a nice figure and girls like me

Can you make a good living cashing in on those three attributes?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Sarcasm is always greeted with a smile over here. Ten points for you!

Thank you! You often write very interesting articles. You improved my mood.

Yes! I am the new Prozac. Take two Cardiogirls and call me in the morning.

It switches off the brain circuits that make the people hungry.

No matter how many crumpets you serve the people are always hungry, aren’t they? It’s nice to know there’s a switch out there that can control the brain circuits. Can I pick that up at Home Depot?

tentacles free online video

Finally! Finally there’s an online video that has solved the problem of those pesky tentacles. Thank you kind sir. augh…

Tags: Things that require my sarcasm

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 at 5:55 am and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

V

that toes and fingers question is a good one. the thickness of the skin maybe? i need to go ask alex trebek. that’s one to be researched.

these were funny, cg. i tried once installing some google gibberish code to figure out keywords people used to find my blog and well it didn’t work. i lost interest.
cardiogirl

It is interesting, isn’t it? I have no clue, can’t even bs my way through that one.

I have no clue how people find me, but I do enjoy some of the spam, some of the time.
http://musingsbymugwhump.blogspot.com LJ

I think I’ve told you this before, but you get way more interesting SPAM than I do. Either that or you actually pay attention to them. Too Funny. Great ‘Engrish’ on many of them.
http://redneckbarandgrill.com/ Ernie

Usually when I exclaim “Auugghhh!” I also say it loud and exuberantly and I pronounce it so that it rhymes with “blog”. This other fellow, though, with his “augh” got me to thinking. Perhaps he says it in a quiet calm way and pronounces it like “laugh” (except obviously without the l on the front). Maybe that’s for when you’re at the library and you become exasperated because they make you check your waistcoat and pipe.
http://chaoticallycalm.blogspot.com/ Faith

Hola CG,

First I feel like a tool of a blog friend for not saying earlier CONGRATUFREAKINGLATIONS for winning Nanowripro!!!!!!!

Second when I read the title of your post I thought you were actually talking about SPAM, the kind they sell in the grocery store in the blue can….Aaaauuuugggghhhh (the legit use of the word)! But of course if you like that stuff to each her own…I’m just saying for me it’s an AUGH!.

Third, going forward I am going to start saying to some of the senior managers I consider mildly (undiagnosed) mentally challenged your message raises contradictions in my head just to see their reactions.

And sidenote I owe you a post about the so you’re not wearing undies man…I will do that before the week’s out on my blog so stay tuned.
http://haveyoumetmyblog.blogspot.com Erin

Fro some inexplicable reason, as I have not even seen “Silence of the Lambs,” the comment “It switches off the brain circuits that make the people hungry” reminds me of “It puts the lotion on its skin.”
http://www.thingsimgratefulfor.com/blog Solomon

I’d hazard a guess that it’s because there are so many nerve endings in the fingers and toes. Perhaps the skin there needs special properties to transmit all of the information or something?
http://square--peg.blogspot.com Square Peg Guy

Thank you for you’re very often good articles, kind sir!

:)

Wait, don’t delete this, I was just kidding! LOL
cardiogirl

I’m sure you get the same stuff, I just pay attention. I really do try to figure out the other person’s strategy. I give more credit to the folks who attempt to give a real, albeit, generic comment just to throw their link out there compared to the folks who write “Great post! Check out my post on anorexia.”
cardiogirl

That’s so interesting Ernie, because I pronounce it “Ahhhh!” (like when you’re at the doctor’s office and he jams that popsicle stick in your mouth and says, “Open wide and say ahhh”) but in a higher pitch than my normal speaking voice.

Now with this refined augh I still imagined it pronounced “Ahhhh” but softly and in my normal speaking voice.

You’re from Canada, right? If so, that would explain why our pronunciation differs.

However, the next time they confiscate my waistcoat (non-smoker here) at the library I will exclaim, quietly, augh saying (l)augh minus the L.
cardiogirl

You’re not a tool, Faith. I love you whether you’re Johnny on the spot or not. But thank you!

I have never once tasted real spam. If pressed, I would say I think it has the consistency of tuna fish in a can. Is that right? No clue what that stuff tastes like. Oh, this is a post for JD.

I want her to taste spam so I don’t have to.

I have to know what your manager says when you use that lovely phrase. I have to admit I’m jacked to hear about this man and his lack of under garments.
cardiogirl

(laughs)

I have seen “Silence of the Lambs” and now I love the phrase “It switches off the brain circuits that make the people hungry.” (Not just people, *the* people. Because there is a difference.)
cardiogirl

Hmm. I can’t tell you why Solomon, but that’s not workin’ for me. However, I now want to conduct an experiment where I feel something soft like velvet before a shower and then feel the same thing after a shower when my fingers are shriveled up.

I need to consult a doctor on this question.
cardiogirl

SPG if I hadn’t seen your purple and green monster with tusks I totally would have thrown you in the spam folder.

It was your smiley face that saved you.
http://musingsbymugwhump.blogspot.com LJ

To be truthful – I never get SPAM commentor …. They probably find you because of the traffic – alas – I have limited traffic. Or is that a good thing?
cardiogirl

I think that’s a good thing. You know the people who comment really read what you’re writing.