Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

This is my plea to the inventors of the world: I have three items that need your prompt attention. Wait just a minute, it looks like I need to address this plea to The New Inventors of Australia.

G’day mates, please consider designing the follow items post haste. Thank you in advance.

Item One: A dedicated checkout lane at the grocery store for senior citizens

I realize that Nana deserves to eat, too. But she needs to step up her game at the store or she needs to steer her cart into the Senior’s Lane.

That would be a lane devoted to the blue hairs. The width of the lane would be approximately five feet (that’s 1.524 meters for you Aussies) so as to accommodate the motorized riding carts while allowing the user to comfortably step off the cart on either side.

The service in that line would be slower. The cashier would enjoy chatting with the customers and would allow the senior to double check the price rung up on the cash register. The use of coupons and written checks would be encouraged and everyone in that line would enjoy sharing photos of their grandchildren.

Near the end of the lane there would be a jukebox with a wide selection of music ranging from Lawrence Welk to Bobby Vinton and there would be complimentary prune juice for every customer.

Item Two: An automatic alarm on the strip of grass between the curb and the sidewalk

Dog owners of America I realize not all of you fall into this category. There are many fine folks out there who carry a bag to clean up after the dog. Bravo to you! But there are more than a handful of irresponsible dog owners out there who allow their canine friends to dump on any available grass and those are the people who suck.

Someone really needs to come up with a combination alarm/shock treatment system for a residential property to include the lawn, driveway and sidewalk in front of the house. The alarm, of course, would allow those within a one-block radius to witness the neglectful behavior of the dog owner in real time. The shock treatment would teach the dog and its owner to avoid defecating on grass.

Where could the dog take a dump, you might ask. As long as it’s not on my property I don’t know and I don’t care. However if this invention takes off there’s probably a huge market out there for dog diapers.

Item Three: A mute button for children and annoying adults

The mute button would only be available for children three and older. Crying babies need attention, as we all know, so they’re not included in this group. Although, sometimes it would be nice if they were (especially on airplanes.)

Alright once the mute button has been engaged silence would ensue — for the user — for five-minutes before the button would need to be reset. The five minute reset is necessary lest you forget about turning the kid’s voice back on. If I don’t set a timer I frequently forget about my kids when I place them in timeout. After a while I wonder where they are or suddenly one of them will scream from a behind a bedroom door, “Can I come out now?”

If I’m in a really bad mood I’ll yell back, “NO! I’ll tell you when you can come out.” Then I go back to cackling and eating bon bons.

Also, the mute would only be in place for the person who pressed the button. So if you were sitting awkwardly at a wedding with a table full of strangers you could mute the obnoxious guy for five minutes at a time and let someone else talk to him.

If anyone can get a patent going on these ideas I’d be much obliged. I don’t need credit for the idea I just want to be able to see one of these things in place before I die.

Tags: Things that get on my very last nerve, Things that require my sarcasm

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010 at 12:10 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.