Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

I like it when a celebrity shares some inside information, but only if it’s something most of the general public can relate to. I’m not feeling LeAnn Rimes’ pain because everyone thinks she’s anorexic.

But I digress. I can only think of two celebrities who’ve come clean with some information that I think is useful.

Kathy Griffin

You’ve probably seen the sharp-tongued redhead on Bravo but if not, she’s a comedian who relentlessly skewers A-list stars. I do cringe as I laugh because she does decimate them but, apparently, that doesn’t stop me from watching.

Anyway, she’s had her fair share of plastic surgery that she openly admits to. Right there she gains a lot of credibility with me. She’s honest about it instead of saying she just has good genes.

And while I’m on my soapbox, I also appreciated her stand-up bit about celebrities and dieting. You know the drill, most celebrities will say they eat whatever they want and never gain weight since they “just have good genes.”

Kathy calls bullshit on that and so do I. Her own method of dieting goes like this — frustration and starvation. She’s frequently quoted as saying, “I’m hungry all the time and I’m cranky.” Finally, some honesty in Hollywood.

Regardless, she’s tangled with liposuction in the past and it did not go well for her. She had some nasty complications that included a bad infection and a week-long catheter. And after she recovered she said she didn’t see any difference in her body!

What impressed me was that she didn’t go on a crusade to stop liposuction. She just pointed out that every procedure has risks and then, years later, underwent lipo again with good results. I’m positive I wouldn’t have gone through that again but I admire her for telling it like it is.

Patricia Heaton

The only other person who’s spoke sincerely, in my opinion, is Patricia Heaton. She played Ray’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” On the show her character had three kids that included a set of twins. In reality she had four kids via four C-sections and then she had a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. (It’s crazy to hear about a breast reduction in California, isn’t it?)

You know why she did it? This is what she told People Magazine: “Vanity. I mean it. Vanity.”

Bravo, Patricia Heaton! You get a one-woman standing ovation. She owns it, gingah. She didn’t like how her body looked and so she made a change. She did not tell the world that she did 1,000 crunches every day for three months to get a flat stomach.

Total side note: I just thought of this, how much does a tummy tuck cost? Unless your doctor is willing to massage the insurance forms, all of these procedures have to be deemed cosmetic and optional. As far as I know, there’s no insurance company that pays out based on vanity.

I know. These are celebrities with tons of disposable income. Buying cheek implants is probably like upsizing that McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

So tell me, are there any celebrities out there whose honesty you admire?

I wish I were a better housekeeper. Strike that, I wish I had a housekeeper.

I got a phone call yesterday at 5 p.m. from an insurance guy who needs to take pictures of our house for a new homeowner’s policy. And he’s coming over this morning at 10.

Side note: If I never post again it was the faux insurance guy who killed me and then hid my body. His first name is Rick, I didn’t catch his last name.

We switched insurance companies and are saving a thousand bucks a year, but part of the deal is that they come inside and photograph the kitchen, bathrooms and basement. I wanted to get it over with so I told him to come over today and then I set about frantically cleaning the house. I should really install a few enclosed bulletin boards. That way my to-do lists would remain where I put them and not under the table.

I can work myself into an anxious frenzy with little to no notice and I absolutely hate the pop-in. Most of the time, the house is ready for a pop-in but I prefer having advance notice so I clean to my satisfaction.

I can tolerate 75% cleanliness with my kids and husband. Everyone else requires 100% and I’m talking about everyone — the furnace repairman, a neighbor who ran out of butter (yep, I have one neighbor who’s allowed inside to borrow food) and the cable guy. If I hung one of those enclosed fabric bulletin boards in my kitchen I would have a decorative place to put all of my kids’ school work. Ugh, they come home with half a forest in their backpacks every day.

But keeping order in the house would be easier. I routinely scour this place for the babysitter, my kids’ friends and overnight guest. It never fails; once a foreign body is in my house I suddenly have X-ray vision. Those are the times, while I’m sitting on the couch, that I notice the cobwebs in the corner and the yogurt container that my kid left on the bookshelf.

Excellent.

Back to my lack of organizational skills. I could probably install enclosed cork bulletin boards on the inside door of my bedroom closet. No one would be the wiser and I could keep things under control. Well, I could keep my lists in one spot and I could use some snazzy push pins without my kids stealing them.

But the thought of this guy coming into the house and capturing this stuff on film — forever — has sent me into a crazy spiral. I know that he’ll use a digital camera and that the photos will be attached to our policy. I realize these insurance people could give a shit about a missed glob of shaving cream on the bottom of my pedestal sink.

But knowing that I’ll see it while he’s snapping away is really making my chest tight. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, it really is difficult to be me.