An open letter to my cargo pants

10 VIPs have spoken »


TO: My Cargo Pants
FROM: Cardiogirl
RE: Your faulty zipper

Hey Cargo,

How are you on this blustery Friday morning? I hope all is well. Let me start by saying I really enjoy the olive green/khaki color which allows me to pair you with a variety of shirts and sweaters. I admire versatility in a pair of pants.

I also like the amount of pockets peppered along the back and the side of each leg, really top notch. However, there is one area that has given me pause for the last couple of years.

Yes, we both know I am referring to your zipper.

Why do you consistently fall off track? There’s a stopper at the bottom. That’s your cue to stop, pal. If you stopped there every time, both sides of the zipper would remain on track. You’d easily zip up and down, the fly would remain a functional way to ensure modesty and things would be groovy.

It is true that you’ve been cooped up in the dresser drawer for months on end but I have to have consistent coverage; that’s a deal breaker. Please be advised that I have been forced to go Pinterest on your ass.

This probably won’t hurt too much, but you should be aware that the fix includes a pair of pliers.

I know we can be good friends again. Let’s both keep our eyes on the prize, shall we?

A few thoughts on blood

14 VIPs have spoken »

Q: If a bloody murder occurs in my house, who should I call to clean it up? Merry Maids will not accept that type of job.

A: If you live in New York City, Mr. Ron Gospodarski, President of Bio-Recovery Corp., is your man.

Roughly a year ago, I saw a few episodes of Crime Scene Cleanup on Investigation Discovery and I was enthralled.

Give Bio-Recovery Corp. a jingle and they will show up in haz mat suits ready to clean everything in sight. I’m sure it costs a crazy amount but I’m guessing it would be worth it. I have to hand it to Mr. Gospodarski, that is an excellent example of finding a problem that requires a business solution.

Q: Why won’t hydrogen peroxide remove blood?

A: This, my friend, is a trick question. Hydrogen peroxide will ONLY REMOVE FRESH BLOOD.

That’s awesome when you’re right there the moment the blood touches fabric. However, my kid has nosebleeds at night during the winter months. That sucks and we’re trying to use saline spray, a humidifier and cream to moisten her nose but at the moment we have not been able to get to the source.

That means she has a bloody nose around 1:08 am, sleeps through it only to wake up six hours later with blood on her face you big disgrace, wavin’ your banner all over the place and pillowcase.

I challenge you to remove six-hour old blood stains with nothing but hydrogen peroxide. It does not work.

It will work, however, if your kid gets up immediately and tells you what happened in the last 45 seconds.

Writing truth: #3 and 4

4 VIPs have spoken »

Hey kids. I’ve learned a lot about writing since I’ve been re-working and massaging another person’s memoir so I thought I’d share my wisdom with you.

Here’s the latest installment of writing truths. Enjoy.



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