Keyword Mad libs: The one where the guy buries body parts in the yard
I like keywords; they’re fun. So back in March of this year I created a Mad Libs story from the keywords that directed folks to the Cardiogirl Empire.
And it’s high time we do that again.
Mum’s the word when sitting in a bathroom stall
“I hate my brother’s girlfriend. How will I make it through the holiday?” Christine wondered aloud as she sat lamenting in the smokey bar’s bathroom stall. Her voice echoed off the tile and made a metallic sound.
Suddenly there was a reply that came from her left, two stalls down. “That sucks. What’s wrong with her; why don’t you like her?” The Voice asked.
Christine sat still and cursed herself for saying anything out loud. “Um, she’s just weird, you know? She says the most inappropriate things. For example, the other day we were talking about our top five favorite movies of all time. I told her I loved period pieces like “Shakespeare in Love” and “Oliver Twist.” I also like horror movies. You know that movie where the guy buries body parts in the yard? That’s a good one.
“So I’m expecting her to say she likes “When Harry Met Sally” and she blurts out, ‘My therapist has put me into nylons.’
The Voice replied, “Really? Maybe she was reaching out to you, kind of questioning if that was a normal thing for a therapist to suggest.”
“Well, you might think that, but before I could say anything she abruptly changed the subject and said, ‘If you have a plane change how does your bag get onto the next plane?’
“What did you say?” The Voice asked.
“I told her maybe they have a woolly monkey whose job is to transfer bags from plane to plane. I have no idea what my brother sees in her. Since he and I share an apartment I spend a lot of time with her. And if that’s not bad enough my brother keeps using my toothbrush.”
“Well, Christmas is coming. Maybe you should buy him his own toothbrush.”
“I probably should. I keep looking in the mirror wondering what is the white gray stuff in my tooth socket. If I do get him a toothbrush it has to be from Santa and not me. What do you think Santa’s signature would look like?”
“I don’t know, but since we’re talking about medical issues, I wonder if I could bounce something off of you,” The Voice replied. “It’s sort of embarrassing, but since we’re not talking face-to-face it probably won’t be that difficult.”
“Umm, okay,” Christine said hesitantly.
“This is sort of hard to say. Okay, I’m just going to throw it out there. Why does my body fat percentage go up after I take a shit?”
Christine’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Uhhh, I don’t know. Is this a joke, like those a-priest-and-a-rabbi-walk-into-a-bar kind of jokes?”
“No!” The Voice yelled. “Geez, I thought I could get a serious answer from you. I guess you’re just a jacked gingah like all the other drunks sitting out there at the bar.”
“Well excuse me,” Christine said as her anger mounted. “I thought you were going talk about a standard medical issue like a man’s psyche after vasectomy or how likely it is that you will have a baby girl because your mother’s first born was a girl. I was even prepared for you to ask if it was possible to put a man’s head on a girl’s body for fun.
“I’m pretty open minded, I could have even discussed whether or not Donny Osmond has body hair,” she continued. “Incidentally, I think he does. He has to, right? Who doesn’t have body hair? He probably had his chest waxed when he starred in “Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat” on Broadway. But otherwise I bet he has the standard amount of body hair.”
Christine stopped to ponder for a minute. “Now there’s a guy who’s always upbeat. I wonder if Donny Osmond has a phony happiness or if he’s just a positive person. What do you think?”
“I think you’re just another one of those Valencia girls with boyfriend. Have boyfriend, will travel. You probably have no idea what it’s like to deliver a baby in August but then become more fat. Do you even know what it’s like to question, daily, how can I reduce my fat?
“No, I don’t have any children,” Christine replied. “I’m sorry things aren’t going so well for you. Have you tried working out on the elliptical? I find singing during cardio to be motivating. I also think you need to think about why you’re dieting. You know, “who’s it for?” phrase used in a sentence.”
Christine cringed. She was reading from a script she kept in her purse for awkward occasions and she knew she should have stopped after saying “Who’s it for?” It was obvious she needed to use that as a phrase in a sentence.
“Are you mocking me?” The Voice asked in an accusatory tone.
“Not at all. It’s really hard being a woman these days. Everywhere you turn society is telling you to be thin, happy and successful while being the perfect mother. Women need to support each other. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you,” Christine said over the flush of the toilet.
“Well, alright. I didn’t mean to snap at you,” The Voice replied.
After drying her hands Christine said “I have to go now; have a good day.”
As the door slowly closed behind her Christine said a silent prayer of thanks. Her pocket-edition of “100 Best Things to Tell a Girl” came in handy after all. “That was five bucks well spent,” she said to no one in particular.
Tags: Things that are fun!
