Inane questions answered, starring JD as guest guru
66 VIPs have spoken »
Awhile ago I wrote about inane questions — unimportant miscellaneous queries I would like some entity to answer and/or explain.
I’m not talking about deep philosophical questions, I’m talking about those little things that are irritating and make me wonder what happened there. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be fun to invite a Lounge member to be guest guru over here? Last time Lin took the reins while kicking ass. Thanks Lin!
Today Professor JD from I Do Things has graciously agreed to act as guru. (Jumps up and down clapping her hands in front of her face like a hyperactive toddler who broke into the sugar bowl.)
You can leave your inane question(s) in the VIP Lounge and our esteemed Professor will answer in the return comment thread. Don’t be shy, if you need further clarification come on back to the lecture hall. She’ll be here all afternoon and late into the evening.
The torch is lit, let the games begin!
Tags: Things that actually make me happy, Things that are cool, Things that are fun!
I always get to go first because this is my blog and in my blog things go exactly the way I want them to go.
Hey Professor, I just love your mermaid-like hair!
Why do we always want the opposite of what we have? For instance, when I was a kid my hair was straight, “poker straight” as my mother used to say. So I desperately wanted curly hair.
The circle of life is in full swing as my kids are wishing the same thing — that their straight hair would become curly. I also know a few folks who have naturally curly hair and they want it to be straight.
What’s up with that?
First, let me say what an honor it is to be invited to speak here at Cardiogirl’s VIP Lounge. The subject of my lecture today will be . . . oh, I see. I am expected to answer inane questions. Very well. Professor JD is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful.
So! To address what I consider a very un-inane question, Why do we want the opposite of what we have?
We don’t. It only seems that way. To test this theory, buy your children some curly-haired clown wigs and make them wear the wigs for seven days. I bet they won’t be nagging you for curly hair anymore.
Er . . . Professor JD has not had her coffee yet. NEXT!
Thanks jd, you are funny and wise. So I have another question and I only use the word f@ck as a command but since cg said it was okay It was okay, I’m going to make an exception. Why in the f@ck can’t the girl who just washed my hair do so without getting me wet. My shirt is soaked. It’s not the f@cking first time either.I was thinking maybe I should come in the nude the next time I get my hair washed that way I can take my morning shower as well. I will do whatever you recommend. Her technique is sloppy and I feel bad for her man. Signed a wet and wild mf
Typing on my hand held sorry for the mess
My goodness, you are quite the curious MF, aren’t you? That’s fine. Professor JD appreciates a challenge. She also appreciates your use of the F-word.
May I suggest you start washing your own f@cking hair? This might alleviate some of the issues you currently seem to have with getting drenched. On the other hand, Professor JD has no qualms about nudity. This may be a solution for you. Unless, of course, you’re still sensitive about that third boob issue.
yes, yes i am. i’m also FOS too, so i’ll be back with more questions. wash my own Fing hair? bleep! now there’s a concept. but isn’t that like being master of my domain. i don’t want to and it always feels better when someone else is providing the service. i’ll go in my bday suit. thank you professor.
How do I lose weight? Starving seems to be the only option because I eat healthy and put on weight lol (okay not loads but enough to notice lol)
Oh, Han. Professor JD feels your pain. But starving is not the answer. Starving may possibly lead to death, and while it is certainly desirable to leave behind an awesomely skinny corpse, it is even better to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST in a healthy live carcass. Please continue eating healthy foods. Are you drinking a lot of water? I bet you’re not drinking a lot of water. That is the key. If the water thing doesn’t work, I recommend Weight Watchers. Seriously. It worked for Professor JD.
I realize I’m not the Professor, but I always hear you have to eat to lose weight. Small meals. And make sure you’re not eating and then going to bed.
I will start my diet next week…
Or after my birthday or Thanksgiving or Christmas or the new year! Right after I clean off my recumbent bike. ;-p
You make an excellent point. It is indeed most important to eat. May I suggest a cupcake every two hours? Bear in mind, of course, that Professor JD is not a medically trained doctor.
hehe you are correct about the lack of water but I’m working on that and the cupcake every two hours sounds good but that might make me the size of a house after a little while lol. For now I’ll just do what I can :D Thanks JD :)
okay my question is similar to han’s, but i want to know how do i get rid of the third boob that is hanging below my navel. it’s flabby, it stretches, it’s not wrinkle free and i can’t find a one cup bra for it anywhere, so it has to go. any suggestions for getting rid of my third boob other than having it popped like a pimple?
thank you, jd!
Hello, v, and welcome to Professor JD Solves the Problems of the Universe!
Professor JD is not one to tout her own Web-blog, but there is an article therein that might help you AND it was written by a visiting professor, so really there is very little touting going on.
Ahem. I would imagine removing this pesky third boob is much like chopping off a skin tag. The process involves string, an iron will, and perhaps a fainting couch. There may be blood. But it will be worth it! Beauty is pain. Professor JD knows this above all things.
Oh darn can my reply be moved. Bloody H@ll
Professor JD is confused and slightly annoyed at all these “@” signs. Please, everyone. Let out a good, healthy “HELL!” It will do you more good than all of my wisdom and beauty combined.
(looks both ways and nervously yells) HELL!
am i in it now?
Excellent. You are a quick study. Perhaps you would like to intern with Professor JD?
I’ve been told over the counter wart remover also takes skin tags off.
i don’t have a skin tag, just fat. a pouch. flab. a muffin top. a downer. hanging fat. a third boob. left over skin, but no skin tag….think backyardigan. yeah that thing below their belt. the air bag.
Er, Professor JD begs to differ. You DO have a skin tag. It’s just that it’s a rather large one. Too many people these days are caught up in terminology.
What is with neighbors? Why do they have to be such annoying a-holes?
Are we not allowed to say “ass” over here in the VIP Lounge? Professor JD wants very much to fit in and respect the rules. Very well. Regarding “a-hole” neighbors: It is a fallacy that all neighbors are a-holes. Professor JD is someone’s neighbor, and surely you wouldn’t think of HER as an a-hole, would you? Would you? Because if you think I’m an a-hole for saying “ass” up there, I’m sorry. Please move next door to me. I will prove not all neighbors are a-holes.
Please feel free to swear, to use the seven dirty words as defined by George Carlin or to simply scream Fuck every so often.
Carry on.
As a respected and oft-quoted professor, it is not my habit to let loose a stream of expletives; however, it is a relief to know that Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” are acceptable.
TITS!
In my job, sometimes I have to ask my clients to give me their passwords so I can configure their computers for them while logged in as them. When I’m done with the post-it note on which the password and User ID is written, I always tear it up and throw it in the trash.
Do you think because paper has been torn up like that that the cleaning people will be curious what it was that got ripped up and be more inclined to try and piece it back together? Or do you think they’ll respect it more as trash because it’s all torn up and leave it like that?
Sometimes I put all the pieces inside a balled-up tissue so they aren’t tempted. Does that make me OCD or does it make me admirable for the lengths I will go to protect clients’ passwords?
p.s. We don’t have money for a paper shredder.
p.p.s. Hey, CG wanted inane. You got it.
Thank you for your superbly inane question. The real question, however, is why aren’t you using invisible ink? You know, the kind you have to pour lighter fluid over to see the writing? The lighter fluid also makes it easier to set fire to the paper when you are finished. Never trust those sneaky cleaning people. They are undeterred by torn-up pieces or even balled-up tissues. Even USED balled-up tissues. No. Invisible ink and a reliable lighter. These should be your tools.
What is the meaning of life? [Kidding.]
How do I get used to feeling unpleasant emotions instead of sublimating them?
It’s too bad you don’t want to know the meaning of life, because Professor JD knows what it is. Oh, well. Maybe next time.
Feeling unpleasant emotions is part of life. You don’t want to be dead, do you? Unpleasant emotions make pleasant emotions all the more enjoyable. Just think how unhappy you’d be if you were happy all the time. THINK, I said. And stop all this unnecessary sublimation. You’re only making it worse. Those unpleasant emotions are still there, bubbling away under the surface. Embrace them! And then go buy yourself an ice cream cone. Professor JD has spoken.
Um, why do younger brothers always try to ruin everyone’s good time?
Ah, Daisy. This is a question that has tormented older sisters the world over.
Younger brothers look up to and respect their older sisters. They are always watching and learning, trying to figure out how they should behave. Older sisters provide a wealth of information to their younger siblings that cannot be underestimated. The bond between a younger brother and older sister is one that is forged through trust, love, and acceptance.
But usually, younger brothers are just trying to bust your chops.
Why do I always glue my false eyelashes to the base of eyelid instead of onto my actual eyelashes? I have tried and tried to follow the directions.
And why does the package say human hair? I mean, I have glue on my eye, why would I care how the eyelash was made?
Oh, dear. Why are you wearing false eyelashes? I can see from your lovely photo that you have perfectly beautiful made-of-human-hair eyelashes. Those directions are deliberately misleading because really only Elizabeth Taylor and possibly Adam Lambert should be wearing false eyelashes. Doesn’t the fact that you’re glueing something to your skin tell you this may not be the healthiest practice?
Embrace your human eyelashes! Or else buy some of that extra-volumizing mascara.
Well boo. Because I’m not giving those things up.
People think they’ll look as obvious as a bad wig, but I promise everyone should try at least once. You’ll be shocked. You don’t even need eyeliner.
Embrace my natural beauty? Yeah, about that…
I got one. Why are baby daddies always douche-bags? And why can’t they get a clue? If you want further information, check out my Random Thoughts from yesterday’s blog post.
Ah, yes. The elusive baby daddy. Indeed, the very name is synonymous with “douche-bag.” Professor JD knows this to be true. But why, you ask? Why, indeed. Perhaps society should start referring to them as something slightly less innocent-sounding. Remember “deadbeat dads”? Or how about “biological sperm-provider-asshat”? That might light a fire under their butts. I think we do a disservice to refer to them as “baby daddies.” The name is all too cute and catchy. By calling them “jerkoff-no-clue-dumbass-buttfaces,” we will be improving our lot by leaps and bounds.
Personally I like “biological sperm-provider-asshat”.
Oh, Professor JD, I have so many questions to ask that it is difficult to choose just one (‘cuz I am so in awe of your wisdom that I know you could answer them all). Here ya go:
Why is it so difficult for me to find comfortable underwear? It’s either granny pants, thongs, or something with an elastic band so tight that I look like a pear with a rubber band around the middle. Since I have a sewing machine, I’ve actually considered just buying an underpants pattern and making them myself. What gives?
Your awe is appreciated and most deserved. Indeed, Professor JD could (and WOULD) answer all questions presented to her; however, there are only so many hours in a day.
Now then. Do they really make underpants patterns? Huh. That is a new one, even for Professor JD. But it sounds like too much work to make your own underpants. Is going commando an option? I can tell you, it is most certainly NOT an option for Professor JD, who is generously endowed in the buttal region. I can hear you now, WWPJDD? I’m not ashamed to say it: Granny panties. Yes, they are ugly. Yes, they stick out of those cute low-waisted jeans. Yes, they are for old ladies. But damn it, they are comfortable and reliable. And who cares? Change into a thong for your husband, if he is the thong-loving type. But first: love yourself. Be kind. Wear the granny panties. There is no shame in this.
Commando is DEFINITELY not an option, as I am also “generously endowed in the buttal region.” They do make patterns for underpants and bras, believe it or not, but I just don’t think I’m motivated enough to go there. It looks like I’ll be embracing the granny look. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t give a fig what kind of underwear I wear–a great quality in a man, in my opinion.
May I say, you are a lucky woman indeed. Many modern husbands of today require their wives to wear “lingerie,” a punishing and unforgiving garment that does not make women more desirable — only uncomfortable. Those women who claim to prefer wearing thongs? Well, Professor JD hates to cast aspersions on anyone for their personal habits and beliefs, but I do hope you’ll allow me a brief “phhhhttt” in their general direction.
Can I just go on record in saying that you have to find the right thong–you really can find a comfortable one. I’d rather suffer in a thong than pick my undies out of my ass (there, I used the word!) all day and have panty lines from my fat ass. I accept your “phhhhht” bravely.
Professor JD appreciates your candor and courage. As with all things, choice of undergarment remains a personal choice. That does not deter from the fact that Professor JD is always right.
I hate vegetables. If I take a multivitamin every day, do I still have to eat my vegetables? Or can the multivitamin stand in for the asparagus so I can eat a Hostess cupcake instead?
Gotta quickly jump in and give you massive kudos for an excellent question, Erin. Can’t wait to hear what the Professor has to say.
I really hope she says I can eat the cupcake instead. Cuz, um, I may have already eaten one. Package.
Professor JD here. Hope you ladies don’t mind me butting in on MY Q&A session. Harumph!
Anyway, the battle between vegetables and cupcakes has been waged since time began. Oh, yes, naysayers. There were cupcakes way back then.
Too many people are under the mistaken impression that vegetables are important. Let me ask you this: Why in the hell would they even bother making multivitamins if they didn’t contain all the nutrients we need? The only thing multivitamins do NOT contain is sugar, and that is why there are cupcakes. Do you see a need for asparagus in any of this explanation?
Just promise me you won’t do anything crazy like use zucchini or black beans to make your cupcakes. That’s just plain wrong.
WHEEEEEEEEEE! I don’t have to eat my veggies!
Just make sure you increase your cupcake intake if you are removing vegetables from your diet.
Dr. JD, you are my hero!
um i’m going gray and i try to cover it up with a color rinse done by a trained professional. only problem is when the gray, that has been colored, fades it appears as orange streaks of hair. i’m not homey da clown and i don’t fancy orange hair. how long should i stop coloring my hair before it returns to the gray it was intended to be and not the orange colored carrot sticks i now have growing out of my scalp.
i don’t mind gray so much, it’s the people around me who feel the need to comment and are probably the ones causing the gray.
I was told this was a one-question-per-person scenario.
Regardless.
I think you’ve answered your own question. “I don’t mind gray so much.” Yes. You’ve obviously been reading the works of Professor JD to have gained so much wisdom and insight. The next time someone comments on your beautiful (and hard-earned) gray hair, why not just shove a carrot into their eye? This will be a useful reminder to you of why you don’t need to have your hair colored anymore, and it will also serve to shut up those commenters.
Remember: carrots belong in eyeballs, not in our hair.
How is it that my mother can be 39+ when I will be 38 this year? When should she be forced to admit that she is, in fact, a senior citizen & a great-grandmother?
You need to ask yourself this: Are you sure you’re 38? Did you add an extra 30 years to your age? This is a common mistake. When it comes to mothers, Professor JD has learned the hard way that they are usually best left uncorrected. Therefore, you are 8.
LMFAO!
I am proud of every one of my 38 years. Especially since I never expected to be this old. :-)
Fine. Mommy Dearest can continue deluding herself, and I will continue embarrassing her in public by telling my true age, LOL.
how come (some) runners run in the street instead of using the sidewalk? they are not cars! get the he..heck out of the street! what’s wrong with the sidewalk? if they want a paved surface, then use a treadmill.
street benefits vs. sidewalk benefits.
Professor JD disapproves of running on any surface. However, if it must be done, it is best performed on designated pathways. Runners have only themselves to blame if they are hit by a car. And that includes cars that drive on sidewalks.
Hoo, boy! JD is here and so agile with the wise yet snappy answers!
The scenario: I microwave a bean burrito.
The inevitable outcome: I sear my mouth on the boiling hot bean goo, every dangdoodly time.
The question: Why, why, WHY can’t I learn? Why can’t I look at the evil lava floe of a burrito, *remember* that I heat-corroded the inside of my mouth the last 4000 times by NOT WAITING UNTIL IT COOLS DOWN, then wait? What kind of failed conditioned-response mammal am I?
Thank you, Becky. Professor JD aims to please.
The problem, as I see it, is not that you are continually eating too-hot bean burritos but that you are eating bean burritos, period. Please stop. Bean burritos offend Professor JD’s keen sensibilities.
Why not enjoy a bag of jalapeno potato chips? I can vouch for the fact that, while hot, they will not burn your mouth.
If you insist on eating bean burritos, however, you may just have to learn to put up with a scalded palate. This is unfortunate, but not the end of the world. I hate to hear mammals refer to themselves as “failed.”
Ah, swami, you bestow upon me the perfect answer. I shall simply turn away from hot lava bean goo, and towards jalapeno potato chips. And I am un-failed, thanks to you!
In a relationship, how long is typical to first hear those 3 words that everyone longs to hear? (And I don’t mean “paper or plastic”.)
Heaven knows there’s always the battle of wills of not wanting to be the first one to say it for fear it won’t be reciprocated. And while you’re on the topic of what’s typical, what’s the longest one could/should wait to expect to hear it?
Professor JD has been in many, many relationships, and usually has to wait at least three months before hearing those magical words “You’re under arrest.” Sigh. However, I am not typical of ANYone, so your mileage may vary.
If, in the unlikely event that I have misunderstood this question and you are referring to the “I love you” phrase, that is a good bit trickier. If you are ready to say it but haven’t heard it yet, try warming up to it. “I love . . . your chicken fajitas.” “I love . . . you when you make me chicken fajitas.” “I love you, chicken fajitas!” And so on. Proceed with the Chicken Fajitas Plan for several weeks and then just spit it out. The words, not the fajitas.
ATTENTION!
Despite Cardiogirl’s kind offer to host my wise and insightful answers to your queries “late into the evening,” Professor JD needs her beauty sleep and is therefore packing it in. However, if you have a question, don’t despair! Professor JD will pop her head in tomorrow morning and attend to any unfinished business.
Good night, and thank you!
Thank you Professor JD! You knocked it out of the ballpark, as I knew you would.
(Clears throat) Did I say “late into the evening?” Late is a relative term; I fall asleep at 8 pm EST so in that instance late meant 8:17 pm EST. I’ll have to clarify that for the next guru.
More importantly, you rock the house harder than The Clash and Iggy Pop‡‡‡ combined. Thank you so much for imparting your most excellent brand of knowledge and guidance.
I was overjoyed to learn that cupcakes will win in a nutritional beat down with vegetables every time.
‡‡‡ Apparently it was Mr. Jim Morrison who “inspired the young Iggy Pop to push the boundaries of stage performance.
“Pop was the first performer to do a stage-dive which he started at a concert in Detroit. Other exploits of Pop include rolling around in broken glass, exposing himself to the crowd, and vomiting on stage.”
If I *ever* became a rock and roll star I would stipulate in my contract that someone be designated to hold my ponytail back while I vomited, center stage, during the encore.
Is there any point in my marriage where I will not be annoyed by the very very very annoying things my husband does, and has been doing since before we got married? Like, how is possible for him to chew so loudly??? And why does he have to make that awful gagging/choking noise while brushing his teeth?? Why can’t he do things NOW instead of later (which means never)??
Thanks you in advance for your wisdom Professor JD :)
Hey Monique, the professor has left the building, but I’ll give this one a shot.
No, you will never not be annoyed by the annoying things he does. Until his midlife crisis kicks in and he starts a garage band featuring him on drums. Then you’ll favor those formerly annoying habits over the previously annoying habits.
He doesn’t do things now because he knows never will show up to mess up the whole thing so he feels he’s skipping a step to get to the inevitable.
Not sure if this cleared anything up, but it’s the best I can do.
Oh man! Am I too late to join the inane question party?
I love me some Professor JD!
Don’t worry! Professor JD WILL be back . . . only at her own blog.
Thank you again to Cardiogirl and everyone for making ol’ Professor JD feel so welcome.
Damn, now I am stuck dreaming about women with three boobs.
And this is a problem why? I thought men figured the bigger (more) the better.
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