Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Even though I have a marketing background, I find I am usually sucked in to watching Infomercials. I don’t like the ones that are half-hour sponsored shows. I prefer the ones that are one to two minutes long. To me, that’s the hallmark of a good infomercial. You’ve got to be on your toes and cut all the crap. You only have up to two minutes to capture my interest and make me consider purchasing your item.

Half hour infomercials make me feel like I am sitting in an auditorium with someone trying to sell me a time share. I’m not down with that.

But the one to two-minute spiels hold some sort of guilty pleasure for me. I find it annoying that my father is really sucked into infomercials and actually purchases what he sees off the television. I never buy anything, I just enjoy the commercial.

I don’t want to be associated with my father right now, if you haven’t noticed. So please don’t yank my chain by telling me this must be genetic.

Remember yesterday? If you get on my bad side I will put a cap in your @ss.

Now it seems Mr. Billy Mays is dominating the infomercial scene. I’m not a huge fan of his, I don’t like the way he constantly yells. I know it’s his schtick. It’s his hook, his thing that the does. I get that. I still don’t respond well to it. I already have issues with anxiety, I don’t need this guy working my nerves into a frenzy. I can do that just fine all on my own, thank you very much.

And I find it odd that I should have to pop an Ativan to watch television. But I digress. I have been tempted, more than once, by Mr. Mays to purchase the Orange Glo wood floor cleaner. In the infomercial, Billy scratches the crap out of a new hardwood floor. Then he uses the space-aged polymer sealers to seal up the scratches — makes the floor look like new! And then he uses the Orange Glo to clean the whole thing.

On TV it looks fantastic. I have sidled up to just this side of of begging Mr. C to purchase it. We never have bought it. Our floors are still scratched up, too.

Now here’s a little ditty I found over at Infomercial Scams.com A man named Robert wrote on June 25, 2007 of his personal experience with Orange Glo. I wonder if Robert has a blog, because I would read it.

6/25/2007 – Robert writes:

My wife bought the product about a year ago and just used it over the past weekend (June 23rd, 2007). I will say, it did bring out the shine in the floor, but as far as removing the scratches, HA! I just wonder how advertisers get away with this.

The so-called space-age polymers do not fill in the scratches.

I think that the public (which) has been duped should be allowed to shave Billy Mays Grecian formula colored beard with a dull rusty razor.

Robert, please make a blog. I will read every day.

So last night, as I was waiting for the Lunesta to kick in, I ran across two more infomercials that held my interest. Of course one was from Mr. Mays. It’s called Mighty Putty. And it will fix anything, anything inside your house. It will hold up to 350 lbs. of stuff, so instead of screwing a bookshelf into the wall to hold three decorative cement masks, you can simply put two small slabs of Mighty Putty behind the brackets and voila! Your 300+ lb. cement masks are up and scaring small children who enter your house.

I find it curious. It seems like something a chick could use with ease. It also seems too good to be true. So I’m not buying it, but I watched the entire commercial. Even though my heart was racing after listening to Billy Mays scream at me.

The other commercial I was intrigued by was about a cover up cream to create a smooth and flawless complexion, anywhere on your body. I cannot find the actual commercial I saw, but this one is similar. The one I actually saw was hosted by an old woman who looked like she was probably in her mid-70s but spunky and dressed like she was in her mid-50s. She reminded me of that woman who has a show for seniors on CNN, Suzanne Roberts. That chick has a crazy mouth, like she has suffered a stroke. But I digress.

What struck me most about this infomercial was the comparison of this woman’s crazy spider veined legs before and after. She hopped up on the stool and rubbed the cream on one leg then the next. And in the process I saw a miracle occur.

They also covered up a chick’s tattoo. It was fascinating. But then I fell asleep.

The Lunesta finally kicked in.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 1st, 2008 at 8:09 am and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.