Hey God, about that promise…
19 VIPs have spoken »
TO: God
FROM: Cardiogirl
RE: That promise I made
A few weeks ago I struck a deal with You. I said if my kid escaped the Lice Invasion of 2009 I would stop using You for comedic effect on this blog. Well, here’s exactly what I said:
Lord I will truly stop using You as a foil to garner chuckles in my blog posts if You spare us from getting lice. I’m serious.
It’s gonna be hard to stop using You in that way, but I am willing to make the sacrifice.
Amen.
Now I’m not sure if we’re in the clear yet. That prayer was offered up on November 19 so it’s been about two and a half weeks. Is that enough time to declare success? Has the UPS man delivered my product pristine and intact? If so, I believe it’s time to charge my credit card.
Part of me wants to extend the deal until January 1, 2010. That would be six weeks from the actual plea and I would feel certain that we had escaped those tenacious critters. It would sort of be like a 30-day return policy.
And yet I realize that I’m backpedaling. I really enjoy writing about You in a tongue-in-cheek way. I don’t do this with malicious intent. Although my father has always been quick to throw out the phrase, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”
By the way, what does that even mean?
Alright, I understand the figurative meaning — people often intend to do well but still do bad things. But isn’t this a judgment call? Yes it definitely is a judgment call.
One could argue that I am simply trying to spread joy in a quirky way. I am attempting to write as if You are a guy I work with who calls all the shots at the office. As if I could put in a request for vacation and You would approve it in triplicate sending one copy to HR, one copy to me and keeping one copy for Your files.
Clearly that’s not how it works so it’s supposed to be amusing assigning real-world actions onto a spiritual, intangible, other-worldly being.
But am I really doing a bad thing? Alright, this is probably blasphemy. If I want to get black and white about it — which I do — speaking about You in a disrespectful way is blasphemous.
But I really don’t think I’m being disrespectful; I’m not consciously intending to be blasphemous. Gah, there’s that word again. Am I subconsciously being blasphemous and that’s where the good intentions gone bad come in? My therapist has told me that sarcasm is veiled hostility. I buy that. And we all know I can be very sarcastic.
(Starts to cough and choke on the toe of her shifty Converse low top.)
So are we good on an extension until January? Um, amen and thanks in advance.
you don’t have to ask for an extension, he knew you weren’t going to keep it or either ask for an extension. he’s God cardiogirl. all knowing.
i need to go think about the promises i said i would keep and broke. i feel like a camel toe.
Apparently there are other definitions of camel toe I am unaware of.
@V I had a feeling when I was writing it the first time that he probably knew I had my fingers crossed behind my back. That does make me feel like a punk, but I suppose it is what it is.
@Liz I thought the very same thing. My understanding is, well, maybe she just feels like something that’s exposed and wildly out of place.
cg, you coined camel toe on ron’s blog. camel toe. remember?
I’m sure I used it over there, but I was (clears throat) referring to the groin region and its exposed nature.
yep, me too. that’s my new word for when i need to call peeps one without saying it. ya know?
Alright, I think I like that.
Ditto. lol. Hate to tell you…..Psalm 139:2
You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
He already knew what was going to happen even before you thought it.
I don’t know why this comes as a surprise since I do not read the Bible, but I’ve never heard that psalm before. And then when I try to wrap my head around that it messes my thinking up.
Of all the decisions I could make He knows which one I’ll make and how the story turns out? Is this pre-destiny (there’s a concept that blows my mind as well) and how does free will figure into it? Is it free will if He knows how it turns out?
When I was a Christian, that’s how I thought. I mean God is supposed to be all the omni…s, right?
Yeah, He’s all over the omni…s like white on rice.
He’s omnipresent because he’s everywhere and omnipotent because he’s all knowing.
@cardiogirl there is such a thing as predestination – and free will comes in because he wanted us to make our own choices and own decision – he wanted us to make the decision to follow him and not to just make a bunch of robots who follow the creator. Etc. or something like that.
Psalm 139 is an awesome one! Theres the bit about knowing the number of hairs on your head (or in your ponytail!)
I believe I would be forced to take drastic measures myself if lice were head-hopping in my neighborhood. My best friend almost got a divorce over lice, it was such a destructive force in their household. On the subject of blasphemy, he knows you are human and forgives you! Plus, I am a church-going Catholic girl, and I’ve not been offended by any of your references!
Oh boy, that’s not what I want to hear Sandy — divorce over lice. YUCK!
I am glad to hear I haven’t come off as blatantly blasphemous. Do you remember the “artist” who photographed a rosary in a cup of urine? That really blew my mind and offended me. I can’t even imagine *considering* doing that.
Oh, I’m sure God sees and hears all kinds of requests, backpedals, and bait and switches. And I’m convinced he (she?) has a sense of humor too. I wouldn’t worry about it–Hell is where all the fun people are going anyway.
I do think Hell is going to be sorta fun in an ironic way.
Speaking of lice, my best friend’s kids came down with it and even gave it to her! Poor girl, seeing as she’s got dark, thick, curly hair — AND her husband is away at training to prepare to go to Iraq, so it really did suck for her. One day I took Grace to school, only to find that several classrooms had come down with lice. Fortunately she shows no signs of this. But WTF? I know I had lice as a kid, but I lived in a really sketchy part of town and it seemed normal. It seems odd to have lice in the suburbs.
AUUGGHHH! That’s another level of fear — that I will have to fight it single-handedly and then *I* will get it too.
Everything I’ve read says lice actually prefer and choose CLEAN environments. How ironic is that?
I have no other comment to offer except that this low-top is my favorite to date :)
Isn’t that one fun? Naturally it’s for children and I think the largest size is a two.
I agree …. best low tops ever
Yeah…I’m not really the person to ask on that one. My feelings toward a god vary. But if there is one, I’m sure he is very understanding. Don’t let the Catholic guilt worry you too much on this one.
Have you seen Kathy Griffin on Bravo?
I do get tripped up with guilt. And yes, seen Kathy and love her. I do laugh in a surprised/shocked way many times when I watch her. But she’s still funny.
I am also a big fan. Her mother and the impressions of her mother just crack me up.
“Jesus Christ, Kathleen!”
She does do a solid impression of her mother and it does make me laugh every time.
Yay! What Lin said!
One of Anastasia’s brother would be highly offended and call it blasphemous. I can guarantee it. Anastasia put a simple excerpt of a lovely poem and he posted a preachy Jesus rant that was completely inappropriate. Why can’t people keep that sort of thing to themselves?
I also subscribed to the live and let live method o’ life. If it works for someone else, rock on. Unless it’s directly affecting me in a negative way I don’t feel the need to comment on it.
Funny post :) I hope I don’t get smoted from commenting.
I absolutely love the word smite. And I can never figure out the past tense.
Wiktionary tells me:
Infinitive — to smite; Third person singular — smites; Simple past — smote; Past participle — smitten; Present participle — smiting; to smite (third-person singular simple present — smites, present participle — smiting, simple past — smote, past participle — smitten.)
Okay this grammar lesson is here to tell you I still don’t get what the past tense is BUT I was surprised to see smitten in there because I use that in a positive way.
I am smitten with with my neighbor’s cat.
Technically I suppose it could mean that the cat’s personality and behavior has knocked me down, figuratively speaking. I still find that interesting and I still don’t know if it should be “I hope I don’t get smoted or I hope I don’t get smote.
It’s like a made up word in the past tense, don’t you think?
I always write around it and say something like I hope God does not smite me for this post.
And. I still love to use smitten in a positive sense.
Yeah, I knew in my heart it was supposed to be smitten, but I just couldn’t bring myself to type it because it didn’t seem to fit. Oh well, C- for Grammar for me today. :)
I get a D, since I still don’t know what it should be and I still like the phrase smitten.
And I truly am smitten with the neighbor’s cat.
Gag. We had a lice scare in our old school. The girls started wearing do-rags and everyone had to be checked before they could enter the building. Some schools in our district were closing due to high absences of kids AND staff! Eeek. We escaped that year. I figure it’s just a matter of time, though….
Believe me, though, lice is not as scary as finding out the bed your laying in, the hotel you are staying in, is COVERED.IN.BEDBUGS. Then, to see a 42 yr. old woman (me) and four kids evacuating said hotel at 1:00AM, and trying to find a new hotel that is bedbug free while IN.OUR.PAJAMAS. It’s been six months, but those suckers can live a year without “feasting” so until we get to our year mark, I continue to inspect our house to make sure we did not drag those bad asses in with us. Our luggage is still sitting out on the back deck wrapped up in garbage bags.
(Grabs head and screams long and hard.)
Oh. Jo. This story has scarred me. Seriously.
Never forget that God invented a sense of humour.
Also – many years ago I was house sitting at a farm and inadvertently forgot my shampoo. While I was in the shower I just grabbed the nearest bottle and applied the “shampoo” liberally to my head. It didn’t suds up quite like normal, and it had an odd perfume to it. Too late I realized I had just use the families “lice” shampoo. I don’t think my hair has ever recovered from the experience.
I do think God enjoys a good laugh. That’s the thought I hold on to, at least.
Auugghh!! (shivers at the thought of the shampoo.) Uh, I guess you had some preventative medicine, eh?