Her heat-seeking missiles are wrapped in fuzzy yarn and tea cozies
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I’ve been trying to live in denial but it’s no longer possible. Oprah is creating waves of shock and awe here at Cardiogirl Manor via warm and fluffy weapons of mass destruction.
She’s taking over Discovery Health, yo.
The following paragraphs from The Washington Post are causing me much pain and suffering.
Discovery Health will continue to broadcast such shows as “Trauma: Life In the ER” until the OWN channel is launched next year, Zaslav said.
The health channel, which he called “beachfront real estate” in the cable world, reaches at least 68 million homes. However, it generates very little affiliate revenue and advertising money and attracts modest ratings.
OWN will feature mostly original, nonfiction programming, Zaslav said, focusing on topics Winfrey is known for — health, love, spirituality, child-rearing and personal growth. Emphasis added.
Yes, it was absolutely necessary for me to add emphasis. Love, spirituality and personal growth?! Can’t she create an entirely new network to accomplish that mission?
Fine she’s all about the greenbacks and she wants to inherit an established brand, groovy tunes. Show that stuff to your target market during the day. Keep these solid gritty shows on the air from 6 pm until midnight.
Problem solved.
This is truly making me cry big fat tears. No more “Dr. G: Medical Examiner.” No more “Trauma: Life in the ER.” No more “Mystery Diagnosis.”
And worst of all I will not be able to partake in my most recent find, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” These are crazy shows, my friend. And I do not want to live without them.
I have a feeling production on those shows will stop which means I will not be able to view them on the internet. And I am thrilled with the train wreck that is “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”
Ladies, can you even imagine? I can’t. I’ve seen it over and over. They had regular periods or their periods were always irregular.
The most any of them gained was 7-10 lbs. Some of these chicks were skinny waifs who did not gain weight at all. Most of them had no morning sickness and if they did they chalked it up to the old culinary stand by — food poisoning.
Cut to the chick in the ER with severe abdominal pain. The doctor always asks, “Could you be pregnant?”
“NO!” she screams adamantly.
Cue the pushing and the doctor’s surprised expression as he says, “You’re pregnant and in active labor.”
Once again I must ask ladies in the house how shocking that scenario would be. You think you’re dying or passing a kidney stone as you writhe in pain on the gurney and you find out you’re pregnant.
I would think, “Whoa, I’m pregnant? Damn, I had no idea. Let’s see my other kids will be 10, 7 and 5 when– what’s that doc? I’m in active labor and the baby is CROWNING!
I don’t get it, but it’s endlessly fascinating. Especially the chicks who give birth to twins! Yes! Yes indeed I have seen two episodes now where they had twins.
One chick was at the hospital — well done — and one chick was sitting on the can in her bathroom. She and her husband thought it was the afterbirth. But it wasn’t. It was a twin!
All of these shows end with a statement like, “Although Sherry had no prenatal care, doused her Cheerios with whiskey, smoked crack and went sky diving daily during her pregnancy the baby was healthy and is an active toddler today.”
How can you not fall in love with that?
Please don’t jack up one of my last vices, Oprah. I would kindly ask that you give me but one present for Christmas — continued original programming on Discovery Health in the evening. Amen and thank you.
Tags: Things that are jacked up
i would say watch ellen, but that’s not a solution. i can barely find the 3 shows that i watch now – cable has switched the stations around again. what’s up with that?
interesting – I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant – someone told me about this show, i just haven’t found it yet or tried to look for it. i can believe it though.
send oprah an email or better yet, call ellen and have her do it.
Ellen definitely is more my speed. She doesn’t seem to be as warm and fuzzy. I really hate it when the goof around with the channel line up. We used to get Style Network where I could OD on Clean House.
Suddenly, it’s gone. Grr.
I have many things to say here so I will organize them into a lovely numbered list for you :)
1) RE: Your comment on my blog (so as not to confuse your readers who have no idea what I’m talking about) … I had no idea that James Patterson had ghost writers. That saddens me. I hope the guys who are actually doing the writing get paid well.
2) Oprah is an expert on child rearing? Does she even have children? (You can tell I don’t watch Oprah … nothing against her, I’m just never home in time to catch it, and when I’m home sick I’m usually watching “When Harry Met Sally” for the 400 bajillionth time and dont’ bother with actual TV.)
3) “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” — how have I missed this gem?? Oh, I am going to spend my whole day at the office today watching webisodes. I remember when I was in middle school, my friend and I swiped her older sister’s copy of Seventeen magazine (which, being as we were 12, was forbidden fruit) and there was an article in it about a girl who didn’t know she was pregnant till she went to the bathroom and pooped out a kid (well, okay, not really, but you know). Even at 12 we were like, “How is that possible? We’ve seen pregnant women. They have giant bellies. How do you have a baby inside you and NOT KNOW IT???” Now that I am older and wiser, I still think it’s a crock, but I’m blaming the low-rise jeans fad. Those sucks are so low you would never know you wouldn’t have any trouble buttoning them, baby bump or no.
4) Finally, I don’t know if they’re bringing it back for another season, but even if they don’t I think mtv.com still ahs the first season online — “16 and Pregnant”. I feel really bad for these girls, but at the same time not. There’s one where the guy’s friend says, “Dude, didn’t you use protection?” the daddy-to-be says, “Yeah, but I guess they go bad if you leave them in your pants in the washing machine or something.” You think?
(Jumps up and down) I love ordered lists! And the numbers just make it even better.
Well, Patterson’s name has top billing and then the other person is underneath, but I swear I read in an interview that he said he has too many ideas and not enough time to write them in a full book, hence the co-authors. I also wonder how well they’re paid.
Yeah, O is fine and dandy, she’s just not my cup o’ tea.
Uh, it is a gem, baby. You must watch at least one episode. I could go on and on about the stories — there’s one in particular where I just kept saying, “No way. No *way.* Oh no she dih-n’t. NO WAY!”
Birds of a feather, jack. I *did* see the entire season of “16 and Pregnant.” Very intriguing.
I think online journalists should have their own reality show. Or maybe a variety show. We could do skits.
Ooh. I’d be down for that :)
You see when I had a scare when I first got married I googled for as many explanations as possible – preganancy was the popular one that came back. Maybe it’s just me that would do that kinda thing?!
How would you physically go for 9 months and not realise – I know I have a “pot belly” and that makes me look like 2 or 3 months gone anyway but seriously I think I’d notice lol.
I think I saw a trailer for a UK equivalnet the other day….
Anyhoo how can’t you notice??!
A to the men, sister. I can’t tell you how many times early on (like a day and a half late) that I went truffling through Dr. Google’s files.
Yeah, I still find it a bit too hard to believe. And I am also mystified that these chicks. Had. No. I. Dea.
Really? Not one iota of a thought? Through the whole thing?
Dr. Google helped me diagnose myself with Lyme’s (I then went to the Doc for a second opinion almost and got it right I was very impressed!!).
A possible TMI moment but I’m pretty regular so I get a little worried 2/3 days late because it’s not normal for me – surely if they packed up completely for a little while you might question why? I certainly would wonder where the pains had gone! lol.
Oprah Vs Ellen – I don’t really watch either but when I do it tends to be Ellen Clips on Youtube that I watch the most of
Wow, I’m impressed at your self-diagnosis as well!
Right! I’d wonder as well. However, I can be a tad neurotic, but it serves me well most of the time.
That’s so funny to me that you’re in the UK where Oprah and Ellen do not air and yet you know about them and have seen Ellen on Youtube. I can’t think of the situation in reverse — a famous chap in the UK who has wide appeal here and yet has no television show.
But I do love Martin Clunes. (More with short hair, but I won’t turn him away with longer locks. I just want him to cut it off.)
hehe Martin Clunes used to do a show called Men Behaving Badly – me and my Dad used to watch it before watching Billy Connolly.
Does QI air there? Then again Stephen Fry plays Gordon Gordon in Bones so that example doesn’t really work. Erm will have to think about that one. I used to watch Ellen’s Sitcom when I was in my teens. Also she voices my favourite animated character of all time, Dory!!!! (followed by Jessie from Toy Story 2)
I’ll have to youtube that, I’ve never heard of it. I don’t think we have QI since I have no idea what that is. I haven’t seen Bones — but I have heard of it — so I don’t know who Stephen Fry is. I loved Ellen’s sitcom!
I did know she was Dory and I do like her in that, but I didn’t know she was the voice of Jessie. Was she Jessie in the first one? I never did see the second one. Was it any good? I did really like the first one — “To infinity and beyond!”
QI is HILARIOUS! You will love it. I guess the humour might be quite british but it should make sense. Stephen Fry is awesome! He used to be in a double act with Hugh Laurie (who plays Dr House) called Fry and Laurie (another to look up!)
I think Stephen Fry also made appearances in Blackadder and the various versions of that.
Sorry you misunderstood me. Jessie was voiced by Joan Cusack (Dory is my first favourite, Jessie is my Second). Jessie wasn’t in the first Toy Story movie. She appeared in the second one with the Woody’s Pony horse thingy.
I thought Jessie had a different voice in the first one. She was sort of neutral, as in I didn’t recognize who she was and I was focused on how she moved the plot along rather than trying to figure out who did her voice.
I usually do that, get hung up on the person’s voice and spend most of the time trying to figure it out.
This is one of the things I love most about blogging and commenting — meeting folks outside of the US so I can learn more about their culture. I’m going to have to check out QI and Backladder.
Thanks for the tip!
Can I just go on record again to state that I HATE Oprah. And no, hate is not too strong a word. She isn’t warm and fuzzy–she is condescending and thinks we are all idiots. I mean, really? Do you have to tell folks what books to read? Even scarier is the idiots who follow her every breath. Ugh. I feel my blood boiling.
I watched that show and cannot believe what idiots these women are! How do you not feel that baby moving around in there? Do you not have ANY signs??? How can that be? How does a human being grow inside of you and you have no idea? I think these woman are morons.
Gees, I’m in a happy holiday mood this morning. Can you tell?? I think I’ve heard “The Little Drummer Boy” too many times and I’m snapping.
I feel your pain — I love the holidays but Christmas music drives me batsh*t crazy. Especially “The Little Drummer Boy” — gets stuck in my head SO easily.
Borders was playing some weird indie-band covers of Christmas songs last night, that sounded like Bob Dylan singing while Justin Timberlake beat-boxed in the background, and I wanted to rip the speakers out of the ceiling.
LIIIIIIINN!!!!!! I’m falling to my knees in agony. How can you hate on Oprah?
We normally agree on so many things.
@Lin (salutes and clicks her heels together) Yes ma’am. You may go on record, duly noted. I mostly throw the idiot card on the people who don’t make a move until they know it’s Oprah-approved.
I also have no clue how the thought that they might be pregnant never, ever crossed their minds.
And you know what I think of the boy and his drum.
@Erin I love the thought of Justin Timberlake knockin’ out a beat for Mr. Dylan, even thought I really hate Bob Dylan.
@Liz Wow, an Oprah lover right in front of me. I didn’t peg you as a full-on fan of OW.
I used to be addicted to those shows in high school. Now I’m a drama queen and watch Grey’s Anatomy over and over. Oh, and Bones. I love forensics, even fake. Well not CSI, they go too far. I like Dr. G but she moves things on a little slowly and show my the diseased kidney dammit.
I will add my mother had a 3lb grapefruit sized tumor on an ovary and didn’t know it. She said she just thought she was getting fat from menopause. It was actually bigger than grapefruit, I’d say small cantaloupe. Huge.
And I have a morbidly obese cousin. You could tell she was pregnant if you knew, but if you didn’t, well… What I don’t get is what do you think is moving around in there? You can’t feel the little feet in your ribcage? My mom says she would literally have to push my sister’s foot down all day long when she was past her due date.
I’m sorry, but I love Oprah. I think she’s funny and realistic for having a bajillion dollars. I was sad to watch her announce the ending of the show. I’ve watched it all my life.
I’m sure I saw Grey’s Anatomy at least twice — the first two episodes and I was really ticked off that they didn’t get down to the chick’s mother’s Alzheimer’s. That’s a lot of apostrophe s-es, eh?
They were doing all this foreshadowing and it really pissed me off, don’t know why, and I’ve never watched another episode. Although I do think Izzy is really pretty.
Lastly, I always find it odd that a tumor is usually compared to a piece of fruit. I understand that most people can visualize the size of a piece of fruit, but I still think it’s weird.
Mine was the size of a grape and it freaked me out every time I swallowed.
The fruit thing is kind of weird. Maybe because they’re round and come in a variety of sizes? Why are we visualizing our tumors anyway? Just take the damn thing out. Tumors blow.
We’ve had plenty of Alzheimer’s fun in Grey’s now. She died a few seasons ago. I was relieved. I was over that storyline. But it was at least the second season when I started watching it. How did you manage those two shows? They used to air at 10pm.
Oh, and I’ll admit Oprah does have odd tastes in music and books. Those I don’t follow. I’m not a fan of the Oprah Book Club, but I just like her style. Maybe it’s an acquired taste, like most of daytime television. I still know all the characters in Days and I haven’t watched it years.
I’m sorta surprised I chose Grey’s over Dr. G because I am never awake at 10 pm.
Ohhh. Just Googled Grey’s and it first aired in 2005. Had Emily in July 2005 and she didn’t sleep on my schedule so, apparently, I watched TV while tending to her.
There is no arguing that Oprah has a hell of a successful business sense and I do admire that. But her brand doesn’t really do it for me.
A bigger concern is what is the Mighty “O” going to turn that channel into? Really? I had a flash vision of “All Self-Help All the Time!”. Please Lord No. Either that or “Books, Books, Nothing But Book Clubs”. Inwards groan of disapproval.
And on another note – I’ve seen the ads for “I didn’t know I was Pregnant”, but haven’t stopped by to check it out. I went to High School with a girl whose mother could have been on the show. It didn’t help her that she was well into her 40′s, 5 kids down, and weighed over 250 lbs. But somehow I don’t think the show goes into that kind of quandary. How the Heck could you NOT know you were pregnant??? I guess I need to watch that show and find out.
I’m still surprised that she was even attracted to Discovery Health, but I do believe the market must be huge if she’s on board. I’m still bummed though.
Basically on ever episode the mother says she felt no movement during the pregnancy. That would freak me out in retrospect — like it does them — because some of these chicks are pretty svelte. So if they’re not feeling movement that’s sort of alarming regarding the health of the baby.
Yet, on all of the episodes the children are fine.
@ Liz – You’re not alone, I’m an Oprah fan too. Now, I don’t follow her every word/movement like it’s gospel or something, but I used to watch her show somewhat regularly and buy her magazine on occasion (I can never spell that frickin’ word!!!, I always have to type it into word, spell check and replace it…lol)
CG- I’m pretty sure I’ve seen something along the lines of I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant on TLC. I’m fascinated by the show too. Unfortuanately, my fascination has turned into a small level of paranoia that I could be pregnant and not know it….lol I actually resorted to taking a pregnancy test recently because my body was being wacky and I was paranoid! (shaking her head in disgust)
Buf I would have never pegged you as an O fan. She just seems New Age, warm and fuzzy.
Golly what does that say about me? Old school, cold and judgmental. Um, yeah that basically sums it up.
Oh yeah, that show is RIFE with paranoia. For me at least.
Actually it scares me that you don’t see me as new agey! lol I’m actually very open to and interested in new age / alternative / eastern philosophy stuff. I get hung up when it comes to organized religions though. I think of myself as a liberal tree hugger type but obviously don’t come across as such…..is that good or bad????
You know, now that you mention it I do remember you mentioning Ghandi, but I guess overall you come off as neutral to me — no strong political/spiritual stance. Although that should be a clue right there — that you are *not* preachy.
I love you just the way you are, Buf.
Okay, total confession (holds up right palm): I am ADDICTED to “O” magazine.
I don’t know how else to describe it, but when that issue comes in, I treat that baby like CHURCH. I set aside time, and a place, and some serious quiet, and I INDULGE MYSELF with every last word. And at the end of that experience? I feel like I’ve gotten back from a spa vacation with a Buddhist meditation bent that somebody else paid for.
But! As an ex-magazine editor, I like reassuring myself that all those warm fuzzies are not the doings of Ms. O herself, but a lot of hard-working editors and writers; virtually all the writing is freelance, and it is categorically excellent. (If there’s any input Oprah has, it’s her high standards.)
I know I’m her target market: an upper-middle-class 40-year-old mom. But as soon as I’m finished relishing it, I give it to my still-in-school, single 30-year-old friend, and she savors word too. . .
No. WAY! Man you have earned the Gold Star of the Day, Tracy. You caught me by surprise and then you made me laugh many times over with your descriptions.
While I’m not down with her I absolutely LOVE the idea that you treat her magazine like church. That, my friend, is awesome.
Isn’t it funny how it’s easy to get sucked into the machine? I feel the same way about advertising. Sometimes I get carried away by the image and buy right into the frenzy, other times I can see the manipulation.
But I look at it in a different way having worked in that field.
There’s truly no question that Oprah has the corner on the market when it comes to women. She really knows how to work her demographic.
OWN channel. Pfft. Let’s see how long that lasts.
I have a friend who played one of the “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” Ladies! I saw her at a party last month and yelled from across the room “Hey, J! I didn’t know you didn’t know you were pregnant!”
She will kill me if I told the hilarious and off-color story that happened on set. Suffice to say she forgot that she was fully miked during her break. Hee!
I feel the same way and yet I just know it’s going to be wildly popular and my original lovelies will die a slow death.
Becky, you have just created a stalker. I will spend my life wanting to know about your friend and her experience. I’m going to try to let it go in terms of hounding you, but I will revel in the scant knowledge by association.
Oh!!! Could you at least tell me which episode she was in. Was it one of the chicks who delivered her baby in her house into the toilet bowl or one of the chicks who made it to the hospital.
The women who portray the real chick always scream and writhe crazily and it always makes me wonder if they’re pulling from experience or just acting in the moment.
They all look pretty realistic.
She didn’t make it to the hospital. Bathroom floor delivery, I believe. I’m sure she used all her acting training to deliver (har) the best performance she could. Of course, I laughed the whole way through. High comedy, that show.
It is comedy and I love every second of it. Now I’m going to critique the bathroom scenes to see who I think did the best job.
I like the Ellen show. It makes me laugh.
Oprah never makes me laugh.
I did laugh when Ellen got on the cover of O magazine, tho.
I do like Ellen because she still seems like one of the regular folks. She really seems thrilled when she interviews her guests. It’s like she’s looking at me saying, “Can you believe this Cardiogirl? I’m sitting here talking with (fill in the blank, not sure who’s famous now.)”
I always feel like Ellen appeals to the blue-collar, real-world chicks and Oprah is geared toward the refined chicks in the house. I like that Ellen never wears a dress or heels. I can identify with that.
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I love that ‘I am lying and really did know I was pregnant’ show!
One woman even thought she just had to do a monster poo…imagine your baby in a toilet bowl…
I’ve heard when a woman gets onto an L&D floor with an urgent need to get to a bathroom it’s normally the sign of an urgent need for a delivery room.
I knew a women with 10 kids, she said after the first three that’s what it always felt like.
Sorry, CG if that’s TMI.
@Livi Yeah, the delivering into the toilet always, always freaks me out. I mean I’ve given birth three times. Yes, I was aware that I was pregnant, but each labor gave me, uh, notice that a baby was heading out of the gate, not some by-product of the burrito I ate the day before.
@Liz Yes. From my own experience that’s absolutely the sign that delivery is imminent. If I didn’t have kids I would be surprised (and sort of disgusted) by that.
I’m sorry to hear about this, too! I love Dr. G, Mystery Diagnosis, etc! And, I must confess, IDKIWP is an occasional guilty pleasure.
Welcome to the Cardiogirl Empire, Sarah. Have a look around!
Those really are great shows. I’d love to see what kind of ratings they get relative to other shows in that time slot/genre. I have seen some of those shows on TLC (The Learning Channel) which I think is also under of the Discovery umbrella. So hopefully they’ll just transfer Dr. G and Company over there once everything is Oprah-fied.