Even if the Tannenbaum is made into a coffin let me live in ignorance until January
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Just yesterday, amid the usual mail of bills and Christmas cards, I received a letter from a local funeral home. I’m quite sure this would have made C&C Music Factory go hmmm.
It began with a one sentence paragraph: We need your help.
I’ll admit that’s intriguing. A funeral home needs my help. I know the economy is going down the drain but how am I supposed to help a funeral home?
Well I’m glad you asked. They are conducting a survey in an effort to find out the real thoughts and feelings of individuals just like me. And when I return the survey I will receive, as a token of their appreciation, a booklet entitled “My Final Wishes Organizer.” For free!
The questions are skewed toward pre-planning and inquire whether:
1. you have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements,
2. you have a will and (most importantly, I think),
3. is the current beneficiary on your policy alive?
Translation: Did you plan ahead to pay for the funeral? If so, is it documented and is the person carrying out the plans still alive and able to sign the check to the funeral home?
There were two questions that made me pause. The first one perplexed me and the second one has always freaked me out.
The first: Do you maintain up-to-date biographical information and accurate family records to assist you or a loved one with funeral planning?
A. Yes
B. No
Why do they need biographical information? I’m a 40-year-old married mother of three. I like exercising, chocolate and Converse low tops. My pet peeves are cold coffee, rude people and slow drivers.
Are they going to showcase an 8-foot by 10-foot trade show graphic of Converse low tops and an elliptical machine based on my biographical information? Will that cost be covered by my life insurance policy? And lastly, if graphics will indeed be used, this is what I will be requesting:
I find it upbeat and not maudlin at all. The sentiment is accurate — if I’m at my own funeral, my mood is dead. I like the idea of Little Red Riding Hood venturing off into the forest. Although I’m hoping I don’t run into the Big Bad Wolf on my eternal journey.
As to accurate family records, are they going to send out invitations to all of my extended family members?
Okay, the second question: If you have given thought to this subject, which of the following would you choose for yourself?
A. Burial
B. Cremation
(Shudders)
(Shudders again)
Let me start by saying I know I am putting the wrong spin on things when I consider my answer. When I think about it, I imagine experiencing it while alive. I know. But somehow I have never been able to wrap my head around being dead and the necessary disposal of my remains. Gone from my body.
Maybe I should think about it like it’s a candy wrapper. Just the paper covering of a tasty chocolate Hershey’s bar. Minus nuts. Oh hell, I am sort of nuts based on my history. Throw the nuts in. It’s a Milk Chocolate with Almonds Hershey’s bar.
Do you want to throw the candy wrapper in a landfill or do you want to burn the candy wrapper? Burning it is more economical, I think. But a landfill seems to be more socially accepted and expected. Then my kids could visit my Hershey’s bar wrapper. But really the chocolate isn’t inside the wrapper, why do they need to travel anywhere to see the wrapper?
They could imagine the wrapper and look at pictures of the wrapper. That’s more tangible than looking at grass and a stone.
I don’t know. I do not know the answer. I am finally speechless — literally and metaphorically speaking.
And I guess in this case no answer is truly not an answer. It leaves the answer up to someone else. I cannot deal with this question right now. It’s Christmas, dammit. The season of new life and hope. Why are you sending a survey about funerals two weeks before Christmas?!
Oh yeah. On the very bottom of the survey, in small print and just above the bold directions to return the survey in the postage paid envelope, there is a quiet disclaimer.
This survey is part of a general distribution. If this letter reaches you at a time of illness or loss, please accept our sincerest apologies.
I think I need a Hershey’s bar right now. And I’m going to leave the wrapper on the dining room table.
Yup agree with you 100%. Why take morbid surveys just before Christmas. Just be happy and take it in January if you so wish.
My religion prescribes cremation, but that is not the reason why I agree with it. It is a definite end, like till here and no more ( even though we all believe in the next life). Now we use an electric crematorium instead of a wood burning one which was the norm earlier. There are fewer crocodile tears ( hopefully some which are real) and it has put paid to some of the more macabre practices like splitting the burning skull to release the soul, (a very very emotionally taxing experience).
But definitely I would like to be cremated.
But today, I just want to have a good life and wish you the same.
Wow, sanjay, I cannot even fathom experiencing a funeral such as the one you’ve described.
I too wish you well, now and forever.
I always found the funeral home business to be a scam. Who needs a $4000 box to be cremated in? Really? What’s wrong with a simply pine box, unfinished wood?
And to send out a survey like that, close to Christmas…tactless.
It is amazing the different models of caskets that are available. It does seem outrageous and unnecessary.
Hey, I’m digging the C & C Music Factory link–I STILL dance like that!
I love the candy wrapper metaphor–it’s such a happy thought. It must the be the mood I’m in–I was thinking in terms of the skin a snake sheds. Somehow, yours is still colorful and pretty–which I hope I am when I’m dead. Or maybe some beautician will make me “pretty” when I’m all stiff and pasty white/grey.
I’m going for cremation. Nobody under the age of 109 goes to cemeteries anymore to visit the dead. Oh wait–16 year olds go there with their parents to learn to drive on those not-so-crowded cemetery streets.
Hi Lin! That song does have a catchy beat. Is that the one that drew outrage because the woman singing was not allowed in the video because her body was not buff enough, so they used a double?
Thanks, for the kudos. I’ve told my husband I want them to put my bright pink/red lipstick on me when I die. I want the lipstick I always wore, not that peach, flesh tone color they always use.
Definite cremation here. The thought of my body rotting in the ground has always creeped me out.
I think I am more of a snickers — lots of stuff going on inside.
Really Michelle? You’re that down with cremation? Wow.
And I like snickers. They always satisfy me.
Oh…btw…definitely burial. Cremation means I couldn’t come back as a zombie, which would suck monkey farts. When the zombies take over, I wanna be a part of it :) No embalming either :)
Hey, I hadn’t considered the zombie angle. That might influence my eventual answer.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t!
That really was a great jingle, wasn’t it? And absolutely true, because sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.
I think “Today’s Mood is Dead” might just have been your best line ever. I am creasing up here.
I’m leaving my body to medical science.
Okay, medical science is just as freaky, because once again I imagine experiencing it. I just can’t separate my thoughts from that. However, I am really intrigued by medicine so it would make sense to allow others to perhaps learn from my body. More choices…
I am blow away by your post today. The topic is death and yet you make it light and happy. I like the candy wrapper analogy (mine would be Lindt 70% cocoa dark chocolate, no nuts, could have mint).
Your survey featured the only two options that funeral homes make a profit on – I would like to be buried at sea myself.
I hate the mail that says I have won a million dollars – it almost always shows up right before I go Christmas shopping. (this is my excuse for high charge card bills – Hey no problem I have won a million dollars).
Finally, I have to say that 2 mood shoes today Wow – What is your record for shoes in a day?
Hi Frank! Thank you very much. And Lindt chocolate is da bomb, but I usually only buy one at the Border’s check out since they sell them individually and damn that’s a tasty piece o’ chocolate.
Regarding the shoes, I’m quite a minimalist. It’s very rare that I have more than one shoe at the top of the post. I’m quite certain I’ve never done that before, with the exception of the page entitled, “What’s with the low tops?” under the Cardiogirl graphic. That explains why I do that and how the idea came about. On that page I have seven.
But that’s not really a post, per se, and it feels like cheating. So my final answer is two. My record for using shoes in one post is two — and you were here to experience it hot off the press!
UPDATE: I just figured out how to throw a shoe into a comment. So my record is actually three now, Frank. You are witnessing Cardiogirl history at this very moment.
Viva la Cardiogirl!
This is very morbid indeed CG. I love how they know that it could be an inappropriate time to send it to some people as they may have just lost a loved one. It’s like saying “No offense, but…” and then offending someone. “We are sorry someone just died and we also sent you this really oogey survey that will make you extra sad. Our bad!”
Also, burial all the way. I have fire issues. No freaking way could I be cremated.
It’s *exactly* like that — saying, “No offense, but….” Exactly!
I think you might be the first burial, Mrs. S. Way to go.
I will have a tombstone next to Mike in Battle Creek with the Vietnam Vets, but probably won’t have anything under it. I will be cremated. I want my ashes thrown into Torch Lake. This poses a problem as it is one of the most pristine lakes in the country. Believe it or not it’s here in MI! You get the day off as there will not be a funeral, just a request for a small donation to help homeless dogs. Don’t want to bring anyone down.
Oh Tonya, I don’t want to imagine a world where your ashes are frolicking about in Torch Lake. Because I know you and your wily abilities to charm people. And somehow, you will make it to Torch Lake. Of that, I’m sure.
And consider the donation done. (But not for another 50 years.)
“I think I need a Hershey’s bar right now. And I’m going to leave the wrapper on the dining room table.” Love it.
Anywho, I already said I don’t want to die and plan to tip toe around it, but just in case the Universe doesn’t know this, I’ve asked to be put in my car, release the brake and watch me roll. I’m too cheap to even pay for a funeral. Whatever is least expensive, put me in a plain wooden box if the law prohibits a dead body and a car in the Hudson River.
I love the idea of you side stepping the Grim Reaper and then he scratches his skull, scythe in hand, while you quietly shut the door behind you and whisper, “Score!” as you walk away. Maybe they might make an exception for you regarding the Hudson River. If you keep your car tidy inside they might overlook the corpse.
Are there only two choices for my corpse? Burial or cremation?
Paper or plastic? Milk or lemon? Ketchup or mustard?
I told my wife to do whatever the hell she wants. Toss me in the backyard and let the crows pick off my flesh. Catapult me into the ocean. Drop me into an active volcano. I care not. As the Klingons say, “it is but an empty shell.”
Yes, sir, SPG. Two choices.
Plastic.
Lemon.
Mustard.
Klingons, you say? Hmmm.
I starting laughing at “Today’s mood is Dead” and it all went downhill from there. Thanks for the laugh! It’s always good this time of year to balance out the messages with some good cheer about death and funerals!
Who knew death had a fun side? I guess if you present it the right way you can say almost anything, eh?
Hi. Me again. I was cleaning house and thinking (scary combo, I know) about your blog. I forgot to mention my absolute favorite They Might Be Giants tune “Dead” which goes:
Did a large procession wave their torches
as my head fell in the basket,
and is everybody dancing on the casket?
Now it’s over, I’m dead and I haven’t done
anything that I want,
Or I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to do.
’nuff said, eh? :)
Lin my brain stopped at “… cleaning house and thinking … about your blog.” You have no idea how jazzed that makes me. Someone was thinking about me! Without ever having met me! And we live nowhere near each other! YES! I made it into someone’s sub-conscience. I really am excited about that. If I could figure it out, I would put my excited low top in this very comment.
Lin, I think I’m going to die of cardiac arrest right now. I did it! YES!!! (jumps up and down and starts to hyperventilate)
(Fans face) Right, They May Be Giants. (Bends over and pants from the previous jumping.)
I’ve never heard that song, but they have two really awesome kid’s DVDs called, “They Might Be Giants Here Come the A B Cs” and “They Might Be Giants Here Come the 1 2 3s. And I love all of the songs (as do my children.) Maybe I should check out their regular music.
Oh, boy. I love the candy bar wrapper analogy. And I hope I never have to see “Today’s Mood Is Dead,” but if I do, I will have to smile a bit thru my tears, for it will be bittersweet.
As for my dead carcass? Burn it!
I love your sentiment and the abrupt left turn to burning your dead carcass! Brilliant. I’d cry for you too, JD. And then I’d secretly wonder if I could get custody of Gus and Prudence. Um, as a tangible reminder. Of you. Yeah, that’s right. Don’t die anytime soon, though. Okay?
lo0l…2 weeks b4 christmas
It’s a really black idea, it varies according to your religious beliefs but still scary…very scary
one moment you are here, and the next….you are in a totally different place
lol @ the disclaimer :)
where did u say u found that survey again?
bye
Mezo
Wasn’t that crazy? It was from a local funeral home, I actually drive past it quite a bit when I’m driving around town. They sent it to me and probably everyone else who lives in this city. I still think it’s crazy.
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