Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I have to say, hopping back into the blogging world is not like riding a bike. I can’t think of another analogy right now so I’m going with that one. I can’t get my balance, my knees are skinned and bloodied (ugh, more blood to wash out of my pants) and I just barely avoided a closed-head injury trying to get this post up and running but I’m putting my feet on the pedals, gingah.

Okay, I love Investigation Discovery (ID); true crime is my thing, man. Occasionally I worry that the FBI is going to run across the list of library books I’ve checked out over the years and descend upon my house like hot lava spewing from Mount Vesuvius. But now I have cable and I can get my fix away from prying eyes. And I have learned boatloads, baby.

I’ve always known it’s a bad idea to wear shoes with a distinctive tread pattern. (See Exhibit 1.)

Converse are a particularly bad choice since the tread pattern — while awesomely designed — offers too much information.

The center of the sole lists the brand name and the size, for crying out loud. If I’m doing the crime I’m going to make the CSI team work for it. I want an hour or two of lead time while they decide what size they’re looking for. So this one is Evidence Tampering 101.

However, recently I stumbled upon an advanced course — Evidence Tampering 437 — on ID. There was a guy who killed his wife by hiding out in the snow to ambush her. Since he knew he was going to leave footprints he bought two pairs of shoes — moccasins for comfort and shit kicker boots for obscurity.

Then he used his handy jig saw to cut the sole of the boots off so he could glue them onto the sole of the mocs. Genius! But he went wrong in his execution.

He used four types of industrial glue (I don’t know why he chose four, perhaps he’s anal retentive and wanted to make sure it stuck) which left tell-tale residue on the sole of the moccasins. He did remove the boot soles — and cut each one into four pieces — but he kept the moccasins! Mistake number one.

The cops did not find glue in the house, however, they did find pieces of the boot soles scattered throughout the house. Mistake number two.

When all of the pieces were found, the CSI guy went humpty dumpty (successfully) to create two boot soles which matched the footprints.

Come on, dude. Excellent idea merging two different soles and then cutting them off. But you should have thrown those suckers away in a dumpster located out of the state you live in.

Lastly, get rid of the mocs. I don’t care how comfy they are, ditch ‘em. Go buy a new pair if they’re that awesome but buy them with cash.

I don’t remember if that was all they had on him or not, but I was impressed with his ingenuity until he hid the soles in the house. You know they’re going to get a search warrant.

So today’s true crime lesson is: learn from someone else’s mistake.

Guest post written by my buddy Aldo Mays

Ever since we got Direct TV at home I have been completely addicted to Bar Rescue on Spike TV. I’ve always wanted to own a bar, so maybe that’s why I like the show so much.

The show is about a “bar expert” who helps failing bar owners spruce up their places and make a profit. Before watching this show I never realized how hard it really is to run a bar. I thought it was all fun and games, and that it would be a lot less stressful than my current job.

From watching the show I learned that I was sorely mistaken. Everything from the size of the glasses to the height of the barstools contributes to the profitability of the bar. I also see that keeping tabs on employees can be a huge challenge too.

The bar expert often changes the décor, and the menu of the bar, which doesn’t always go over well with the owners. I guess it’s not easy to admit that you aren’t doing a good job, but in the end they are all usually very happy with the results.

Guest written by our friend Mason Abbott

One of my favorite reality television shows to watch these days is Supernanny. There are parts that I don’t like. For example when the children on the show are allowed to run around cursing and hitting and biting their parents but this is only in the beginning.

The nanny, Jo Frost, will come in to the home for an observation day to find out what is going on and what the normal family routine is like. She will then make assessments based on what she sees and will adjust things accordingly.

Jo is really great at assessing the underlying issues in the relationships between the parents and the children and even between the mom and the dad. Sometimes she spends more time counseling the parents than she does correcting the children’s behaviors.

She recognizes the things that it is sometimes hard to see when you are the one in the relationship or in the family situation and she helps each family take a step back and realize what is going on.

Check out your DirecTV guide to find out when Supernanny comes on in your area.