Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time we had a New Age bent — in which we discussed mental health and detoxing from pot.

Just call me Joe Cool

It’s awesome knowing that Virgil thinks the internet would suck without my presence. Rest assured, Virgil, I will never stop. Ever.

I hope you never stop! This is one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. You’ve got some mad skill here, man.

I just hope that you don’t lose your style because you’re definitely one of the coolest bloggers out there. Please keep it up because the internet needs someone like you spreading the word.

– Virgil

Hells yes you can tweet me

I thought having a retweet button at the top of each post was a clear sign that you have my permission to tweet me, my posts, my doodles or my shoes. Tweet with abandon. Having said that, I expect to see the number 6 appear in that little blue box up there.

Are you kidding? Hells yes you are; this should be tweeted. With your permission, I will make that happen.

– Scott Roerish

That’s funny because I’m actually *trying* to do it for a living

Sometimes we find encouragement is the strangest places. Regardless, this short note from Monica helped me toughen my resolve. At the moment, I think I make enough of a living to rent a hut in a third-world country.

Man, you should be a writer. Your text is so interesting. You should do it for a living.

– Monica

Yes. I. Am.

I choose to believe that Mr. Stigler is posing a rhetorical question in a positive light. I’m real and I’m fantastic.

Are you for real?

– Long Stigler

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time the spam was sort of like Seinfeld’s black and white cookie — for each negative comment there was a positive one — so it all evened out in the end.

Today’s spam has a New Age, self-help feel to it: we’ll be discussing mental health, how to successfully lose weight and detoxing from pot.

Sometimes things just suck

First up is Karla. She comes from a long line of alcoholics and manic depressives.

Mental health issues are very important in my family. We have depression, bi-polar disorder, anxiety (PTSD) from the long wars, and just plain old alcohol problems.

I am convinced my family has bad genetic material for so many of us to be this messed up.

She’s said so much in so few words, hasn’t she? I’m actually desperate to hear about the long wars that she’s mentioned. I also enjoyed the fact that she’s deemed alcohol problems as so passe. I wonder if it was a Freudian slip when she referred to mental issues as “very important” in her family. I would have used the word prevalent instead. Regardless, this comment could easily describe my family of origin.

And I’ve come to the very same conclusion that Karla has: “I am convinced my family has bad genetic material for so many of us to be this messed up.” Speak it, sister.

The boot straps are there for a reason

In contrast, Mike has offered advice on how to solve the problem — in this case, losing weight. Typical of a man, offering solutions rather than listening with empathy.

Okay, here’s what you do. First, you have to go on a diet. No junk food or candy or stuff like that. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, and drink lots of water or milk. Stay away from soda or energy drinks.

Then you have to work out a lot. Exercise for at least a half an hour each day by doing sit ups, push ups, pull ups, and running. Lifting weights helps too. Try it.

My dad did the same thing when he was in high school and got six pack abs and strong muscles. He still has it, and trust me, he’s older than you think.

I have no idea why but when I read this comment I imagined Mike in a locker room giving a pep talk. He’s wearing a gray sweatshirt and sweatpants with elastic at the ankles while a whistle hangs around his neck. He’s sitting on a locker room bench, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and the whistle swings like a pendulum with each effusive hand movement.

Just before he utters the last sentence, he places his hands on his thighs and stands up to punctuate his point: “He still has it, and trust me, he’s older than you think.”

Now get out there and do it for the Gipper!

*Cue the harmonica* The road is long …

Finally there’s Patti who’s struggling to get off pot. She’s sort of a mix between Karla and Mike in that she’s talking about the problem and how it makes her feel yet she’s given an analysis on how the solution is working.

Today is only Day 5, but yesterday was hard.

The first four days I felt pretty good and a sense of relief. I felt I was making the right choice to give up pot but somehow without pot and alcohol life just seems grey. I used to look forward to smoking pot and really enjoyed it.

Ironically, I don’t feel a whole lot different without it –- I think I had built up so much tolerance I wasn’t really getting that high, but without it I am more anxious and irritable. Unmotivated.

I just hope today is easier.

Patti seems to have taken the Hollies’ advice to heart: she’s sharing the load and I’m willing to bet it’s no longer weighing her down.

At all.