Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

For some reason there are a few life skills I’ve always thought I should have in order to make me an all-purpose chick. I have no idea why this is, but it seems like these skills will make me well-rounded and less of a girlie-girl.

Side note: I hate the label girlie-girl as much as I hate the label mommy blogger. I should talk to my therapist about that.

Anyway, these are three things I’ve always thought I should learn:

1. driving a stick shift,

2. playing chess, and

3. playing, and winning, poker — most specifically Texas Hold ‘Em.

Driving a stick — check

I learned to drive a stick soon after Mr. C and I were married. When we bought our first car together we decided to go with a stick so I could learn, once and for all, how to drive a manual transmission. Poor Mr. C spent a lot of time with me trying to avoid whiplash while I repeatedly stalled out in an empty college parking lot — find ‘em and grind ‘em, gingah.

I was so jacked when everything clicked and I learned how to find that smooth transition between the clutch and the gas. I also felt like a bad ass driving with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the stick.

Playing chess — checkmate

I think it was about two years ago when I asked Mr. C if he knew how to play chess. I don’t know why I was surprised when he said yes but I knew then that I found my tutor. Man, I don’t know much compared to Mr. C, do I? Anyway, he spent a fair amount of time teaching me how the knight moves, why the bishop is a sneaky little bastard and why the queen really is a diva.

I really enjoy trying to think ahead to anticipate the next three moves based on how I make my choice.

Playing poker — in progress

Finally! Something Mr. C does not know how to do. Now the reason why I’d like to learn how to play is so I can dominate the Texas Hold ‘Em games that are hosted by my kids’ school. Note the irony: My kids attend a Catholic school and the school holds regular poker games to raise money via friendly gambling. I’m positive God is behind that mission.

Anyway, if I could learn how to play really well I might be able to make some cash on the side. And I would return that cash right back to the school in the form of tuition. God knows, I really would do that.

So I’m going to have to learn the ropes, teach Mr. C and then hire a babysitter so Mr. C and I can dominate at the school games in order to provide a Catholic education for our kids.

I’d say the ends totally justify the means.

President Homemaker Man, Vice President Knucklehead, Reverend If I Were God, fellow blogging contestants — Candy, Fred, Glitter Frog, Quirkyloon, MikeWJ, Eva — and citizens of the blogosphere, we observe today not a victory but a celebration of creative freedom via the written word.

Last night, as I sat before my computer I
stand
before you
today, not as
a broken
man, but as
a stalwart contender. awaiting the outcome of Knucklehead’s Blog-Off challenge 2011, I wondered which speech I would deliver today — one of victory or one of defeat.

It was close, 99 votes to Homemaker Man’s 103, but in the end I failed to bring home the gold. However I stand before you today, not as a broken man (yeah, that’s right, I said man), but as a stalwart contender.

A wise teenybopper by the name of Miley Cyrus once said, “Ain’t about how fast I get there; ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb.”

I am proud of my climb; I have firmly planted my flag in the ground and I claim my own victory.

I wore the proper Converse shoes, I drank many a protein shake and I pushed myself to add an extra five minute to my elliptical workout every time. But, as Ms. Cyrus has pointed out, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.

My journey is far from over and, if I am chosen to compete in Knucklehead’s Blog-Off Challenge 2012, I will come back with a vengeance.

And a new pair of Converse low tops.

Is your glass half full and quenching your thirst or did you kid guzzle it — complete with backwash — and now half of it’s gone? I’ll wait while you guess which table I break bread at.

Believe it or not, when I am interacting with other people in real life I try to be optimistic and thankful that there’s a glass within reach. I work against my true nature and attempt to be mostly positive. I also attempt to put some inflection in my voice since it’s usually set at monotone.

But on my blog, you’re sitting inside my head on a comfy couch in my state-of-the-art, climate-controlled media room. I’m a
sarcastic
Catholic who
routinely struggles with
equal parts
of rage and guilt. You get to see 98% of my reality.

As you may have guessed, there’s a locked file cabinet in the projection room with the other 2%. No one needs to see that stuff; it’s not all that interesting anyway.

I think that’s why I’m somewhat reluctant to share this here blog with people I know — like all the other mothers at school. I’m a sarcastic Catholic who routinely struggles with equal parts of rage and guilt. It’s who I am but I try to hide that stuff with a sturdy pair of Spanx.

Here in the media room, however, I wear exercise pants with an elastic waistband so I can let it all hang out.

Side note: I think The Sarcastic Catholics that would be a cool name for a band. I also think it would make a bitchin’ title for a book, however it would need to be used in the singular form — The Sarcastic Catholic.

Why so sarcastic, Cardiogirl? I think it’s a coping mechanism I use to deal with depression. If I’m gonna bitch all of the time, I might as well try to make it more palatable with a little humor. I’m pretty sure I already mentioned that I was shocked when my therapist told me sarcasm is veiled hostility.

And then I realized that’s exactly how I use it.

When I’m trapped behind a guy who’s going five miles per hour under the speed limit I usually say out loud, “It would be helpful if you could drive a bit slower otherwise I might actually get there on time.”

When a person allows their dog to take a dump on that strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street I tell my husband, “I’m just a servant of the Lord ready to help and serve mankind.”

When I offer a helpful suggestion to my kid and she tells me it’s never going to work and then she later uses that suggestion, I comment on that.

I usually say something along the lines of, “You sure came up with an excellent solution to that problem. I thought nothing was going to work.”

She usually responds by smiling.

So sarcasm is something that helps me deal with my cup that never seems to overfloweth. I guess the upside of that half empty chalice is that there’s no danger of spilling it.

Since there’s not much there to begin with.