Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Sometimes God answers my prayers and when He does I’m jacked.

Now there are people who will say that He answers every prayer and when He ignores me has no discernible response that means His answer is, “No.”

That doesn’t work for me since I am a black and white thinker.

If what I’m asking for doesn’t happen I just assume I got a busy signal and I need to keep asking. So far my track record on I’m-sort-of-asking-for-a-miracle prayers is zero; no reply. That sucks.

But my track record on small, sarcastic prayers is roughly 40/60. Many mornings I ask God to please let there be a clean white shirt for each one of my kids. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But recently a standard prayer of mine got the green light. When luck
is
with me,
I can catch
an episode
of “Dateline” with
Keith Morrison.

I have been praying that my cable provider would add Investigation Discovery to the basic cable line up. Perhaps a lesser woman would have given up after a year or two, but my tenacity has finally paid off.

About a month ago I was flicking through the stations and suddenly there it was — manna from Heaven.

I can now plug into true crime 24/7. My kids call them my freaky shows and since my freaky shows have returned I could not be happier. I really find human behavior fascinating. I have no idea why some people believe murder is their only option. I just don’t get it.

I also find it amazing that a person would murder someone and then go to Home Depot wearing a baseball cap to buy two extra-large canvas tarps with his own credit card.

Then, that same person has the balls to sit in the police station and deny that he was ever at the store.

The cop: “We’ve got you on a surveillance tape buying a tarp with your credit card.”

The dude who’s totally guilty: “That wasn’t me.”

The cop: “You expect me to believe that you never went to the store and that you never used your own credit card to purchase a canvas tarp to wrap up your ex-wife’s body? You also expect me to believe that you never went to the landfill that your father owns to dump her body?”

The dude who’s totally guilty: “That was not me. I’ve never been to Home Depot.”

That’s when the cop pauses and says, “How did you know it was Home Depot? I never mentioned the name of the store.”

Bus. Ted! Roll the credits on another satisfying episode and praise Jesus.

Christmas music

I’m not a huge fan of Christmas music but I’ve been listening to it on the radio because my kids like it. And, as you’ve probably guessed, I’ve got a few opinions about that.

Do tell

Alright, lay it on me. What’s your favorite Christmas song and what’s the song that makes you want to pierce your own ear drums?

I believe I’ve mentioned that the flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl is nothing like the virtual red-shirt-wearin’, ponytail-flickin’ Cardiogirl. That’s just reality any way you slice it and I can guarantee you that Mom Zombie can attest to that.

I know this because I sat next to Mom Zombie for 12 weeks this summer and barely said a word to her. Why? Because I’m single-minded wherever I go. I don’t really chat people up. Ever.

So I knew my worlds were going to collide when I accepted Rock and Drool’s invitation to attend a PR event for McDonald’s new and improved Happy Meals. She and I had never met but we’d had a few online chats. And now she was going to meet anti-social flesh-and-blood Cardiogirl. Oy.

What I didn’t expect was to run into Mom Zombie, who I did not know was a blogger. Once we settled into McDonald’s Playland, she approached me, sunny personality intact, and asked if we knew each other.

I said no.

She said she thought our daughters were in gymnastics together.

I said no.

Still upbeat, she said she thought they had a class together at the Y. And then I realized, yes. Yes, indeed, they had a 12-week-long class together and I saw her repeatedly that summer and barely said, “Hey.”

So then I was falling all over myself trying to recover. What a small world, huh? But it was about to get even smaller.

It was then that Melissa, who was hosting the event, came over and casually asked if we both knew each other as bloggers. Uh. Say what?

Yes, ma’am. The woman I’ve been ignoring all summer is a fellow Michigan blogger and we have actually crossed paths — ONLINE — in the last few years. Yep.

So I think we bloggers need to come up with some sort of code word to prevent the shock of such a collision. It could be windowbox or even flower boxes because I think you could work that into conversation pretty easily.

Casual chit-chat usually includes the weather, doesn’t it? I think you could say something like, “It’s been so dry this summer that the flowers in my window boxes are wilting by four o’clock each day.”

Is it the middle of winter? No problem. “I just love my flower boxes. In winter I decorate them with garland and fake pointsettias.”

See how that works? My head wouldn’t have exploded over there at McDonald’s if bloggers across the cyberworld could all agree on a common code word. Got any suggestions?