Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

The last time I told you about my oldest kid, she was angling to get a TV in her bedroom. At that time, I pegged her future career as a criminal defense attorney. She began with reasons why she should not have a TV in her room then she gave a pretty solid counter-argument for each one.

I have to admit I was kind of impressed.

Anyway, her recent written communication centered around a membership at a game website that allows you to create a character that earns fame, coins and movie star status. I have mixed feelings about that.

I don’t want my kid to grow up to be a Disney tween star who turns into a coked-out newfangled version of Lindsey Lohan/Miley Cyrus/Demi Lovato.

However, maybe indulging this desire virtually will eliminate her actual desire to become a pop star.

Anyway, the main obstacle to this membership is the payment. I’m not willing to pay for her to spend hours on the computer and the payment method always requires a credit card. Then they kick into automatic payments on the credit card and you have to walk three miles through fire to cancel the membership.

Undeterred by my concerns, she provided the following proposal last weekend.

Where to begin?

She’s got $18 burning a hole in her pocket. This kid needs to learn how to save money, however she gets major points for knowing she’ll be paying for the membership herself.

She has also outlined the pricing options and has chosen the most bang for her buck. What she failed to notice is that she’s short by $1.99.

Regarding the perks, she is absolutely correct that she did not spend much time on the computer in the last month. However, she did receive an iPod Touch for Christmas so that’s sort of a wash.

I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the call to action at the end of proposal complete with a deadline. Call now while supplies last!

While we did not give her an answer within the 67-minute window that she provided, I did have a decision a few days later. I asked her to research the payment options to see if they accept Paypal. Turns out they do, so she signed up for a one-week test run and promptly handed over three bills after I hit submit.

I think she might actually have a shot at producing infomercials once she grows up.

I think it’s time to play the $25,000 Pyramid again. Last time Sheryl Crow agreed to be my partner in the Winner’s Circle. Today Seal has agreed to be my partner. He will give the clues; I will make the guesses.

Why Seal? I really like his music, I’m a big fan of his wife, Heidi Klum, and he has a British accent. British accents rule.

Producer cues “Amazing,” Seal walks out to applause, music fades and he takes his seat.

Cardiogirl: “Thank you so much, Mr. Seal. Can I call you Seal or would you prefer Mr. Seal?”

Seal: “Seal is fine. Right then, shall we get started?”

CG: “Yes.”

Two minutes are added to the digital clock and the bell rings.

Seal: “Lockers. Your oldest kid. Being in middle school and having a small locker at your disposal.”

CG: “Things that make me have anxiety dreams at night including — but not limited to — the fear of forgetting the combination when I use one of the steel lockers at the Y.” Buzzer sounds to indicate a wrong answer.

Seal: “You’re over-thinking this. Conversations with your kid last summer before school started.”

CG: “Things that I over analyze!” Buzzer. “DAMNATION! Things that my kid talked about obsessively all summer long before school started.” DING!

Seal: “The sound of Keith Morrison’s voice. Petting a cat.”

CG: “Things that I enjoy.” DING!

Seal: “Fish. The musky scent that old hippies wear. Burning incense.”

CG: “Things that set off my gag reflex.” DING!

Seal: “Watching true crime any time you want on Investigation Discovery.”

CG: “Things that make me get down on my knees and praise Jesus.” DING!

Seal: “New Year’s Resolutions. Squirrels.”

CG: “Things that I cannot stand and that should be eradicated from society.” DING!

Seal: “Vinegar. The fact that you FINALLY have some normal neighbors who moved in across the street.”

CG: “Things that make me believe that miracles still occur.” DING!

Time ends and I win all the money.