Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I’m a simple gal; it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Sunshine, Converse low tops and/or chocolate — that’s the key to my happiness. So I am extra thrilled to share a recent discovery.

Finally — *cue CeCe Peniston* FINALLY — I figured out how to provide MY OWN default gravatar for those folks who forgot to bring theirs with them to the VIP Lounge. In the past I had to rely on a scant few choices provided by WordPress. As you may recall, I had monsters. Not my first choice, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Unless the beggar is an obsessive pit bull who. Will. Not. Stop. Until the problem is solved. *growls*

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been gnawing on this problem for a really long time. I have stood in the rain, face turned up to the sky, while shaking my fists in the air.

I don’t want monsters. I don’t want quilt shapes and I will not stand for the grayed out silhouette of an anonymous head and shoulders. I won’t.

What I want is a Converse low top.

So after months of gnashing my teeth I finally figured out how to beat WordPress into submission. But not before I jacked up my site by adding code to the function file and then spending a while on the phone with Bluehost.

Thanks to the Add New Default Avatar plugin I can now provide a bitchin’ gravatar for all of the Lounge visitors who’ve forgotten theirs.*

Damn straight that’s the back of a Converse nestled in the lush, green grass.

No shirt, no low tops? No problem in the Lounge.

You’re welcome.

*Linda, I know you prefer stilettos, but you always forget to bring them when you stop by. This’ll give your dogs a rest while you’re here.

I wish I could give you a sassy little disclaimer that says Zappos.com sent me 37 free pairs of Converse low tops in exchange for this post which is based upon my honest, unbiased opinion.

But there is no mountain of new low tops that I gaze upon lovingly. As you may have guessed, there is a mountain of low tops that I gaze upon lovingly but they’re in various states of disrepair and Zappos.com did not give them to me.

For some reason my blog is not seen as the Converse go-to site — even though it should be — and I was not approached by anyone to spout my love and happiness. Having said that, if someone from Zappos.com is reading this, please note that I can be bought with a new pair of Converse low tops.

I can give you this disclaimer: my blog friend Valerie did send me a pair of Converse low tops and she is awesome to the 17th power. However she did not request that I write a post about it.

Alright, you may recall that a couple of weeks ago I hired Guido to ice Layla. Soon after that the UPS man showed up bearing the modern-day equivalent of frankincense and myrrh.

He delivered a spankin’ new pair of Passion Purple Converse low tops from my awesome blog pal, Valerie aka V aka Natural.

(Pauses for you to give the proper amount of homage to her thoughtful generosity.)

As you may have guessed, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the Zappos.com logo on the outside of the box because I knew exactly what that meant. Just two layers of cardboard stood between me and my new kicks! Naturally I was overjoyed when I opened them up.

She knows my favorite color is purple. What she did not know is that I have two pairs of Passion Purple and one pair of Lilac that are worn only in summer on sunny days with no chance of rain.

Damn straight the weather dictates which pair I wear.

So I grappled with the decision to keep them versus exchanging them. I didn’t want to offend her by exchanging them, but I felt like she would be fine knowing I changed the color. But it felt wrong — what kind of ingrate am I? — and yet I really did feel like she would be cool with it.

I decided to check out Zappos.com and was jacked to see a live chat button. I clicked the button, typed hello and there was Stephanie T. who explained how I could conduct the exchange. She let me know almost anything was possible, it was just a phone call away.

Enter Tamika, the pleasant customer service rep with the melodious voice; she hooked me up and created a VIP account for me. (I know — VIP! How awesome is that? Very.) And the VIP designation means my shoes arrive the next day. For free. Yes, that’s right. Any time I order a pair they will arrive overnight. Because. I. Am a VIP.

So I decided I must have a pair in classic black.

Side note: If you can believe this I’ve never owned a solid black pair of Chucks. Valerie does and I have coveted them ever since I saw the photo she took of hers. I do have two black pairs with designs. One has white polka dots on the back and one is decorated with brightly outlined flowers and peace signs.

There was a slight price difference so I had my AmEx card in front of me and I was ready to rattle off the numbers when Tamika — She Who Must Be Adored — said, “I’m going to waive that price difference.”

No.

Way!

I told her I would pay the difference but she said that wasn’t necessary.

And then she said, “I’ve emailed you the UPS label so when your black shoes arrive you can exchange boxes with the UPS guy.”

Straight out of my house. No coat, no keys, no driving to the UPS Store. I just hand the box with the purple pair to the UPS guy standing on my porch. Damnation, I love Zappos and She Who Must Be Adored!

But more than that, I love Valerie — She Who Will Be Praised Forever And Ever, Amen — for making this the Most Excellent Thursday of the new millennium. Thanks V!

As you probably know, actor Tony Curtis died on September 29 at the age of 85. What you may not know is that his casket was packed with a bunch of stuff for the ultimate road trip.

Among other things, his casket was filled with:

• a model of his 25th-anniversary Trans-Am, driving gloves, and some “dough” (the slang phrase he always used to refer to money),

• two of his favorite watches,

• a DVD of clips from his favorite film,

• his iPhone, sunglasses and seven packets of Splenda (which he apparently poured on everything he consumed),

• a single Percocet tablet, his sleep mask, ashes from his dog Jack and

• paints, sketchpads and a pen.

In addition, he was buried wearing his white shorts, his much-mended favorite white sweater, an Armani scarf and his well-worn Stetson under his arm.

I would love to see his Stetson positioned under his arm because it seems like it’d be bulky and unnatural. That’s a pretty tall hat, don’t you think?

Enough about Tony. We need to discuss what’s in your casket.

Naturally I get to go first.

Do I even need to tell you I’m bringing a pair of Chucks? I think it’s a no-brainer that the Today’s Mood is Dead low tops will be on my feet.

Gotta take my glasses even though it seems weird to imagine me with my eyes closed and my glasses on. I’m still taking them, though. Beyond that I’m stretching. I don’t have much that I can’t live — or die — without. Oh, hang on! I’ll also take a plain chocolate Hershey bar with me.

I’ll wear my beige cargo pants and my favorite T-shirt and the whole casket will be open so you can see my low tops. None of this peekaboo, two-half-doors-to-the-casket business for me. Just use the model that has one lid and prop it open.

I do have a thing about pens and finding the right heft with a medium point (never fine, ever) but since I hardly write long hand anymore I’m not taking a Paper Mate with me. So I’m traveling light; that’s all I want to take.

Can you imagine how difficult it would be to carry out the wishes of a hoarder?

Alright, now it’s your turn. What’s in your casket?