Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

I like it when a celebrity shares some inside information, but only if it’s something most of the general public can relate to. I’m not feeling LeAnn Rimes’ pain because everyone thinks she’s anorexic.

But I digress. I can only think of two celebrities who’ve come clean with some information that I think is useful.

Kathy Griffin

You’ve probably seen the sharp-tongued redhead on Bravo but if not, she’s a comedian who relentlessly skewers A-list stars. I do cringe as I laugh because she does decimate them but, apparently, that doesn’t stop me from watching.

Anyway, she’s had her fair share of plastic surgery that she openly admits to. Right there she gains a lot of credibility with me. She’s honest about it instead of saying she just has good genes.

And while I’m on my soapbox, I also appreciated her stand-up bit about celebrities and dieting. You know the drill, most celebrities will say they eat whatever they want and never gain weight since they “just have good genes.”

Kathy calls bullshit on that and so do I. Her own method of dieting goes like this — frustration and starvation. She’s frequently quoted as saying, “I’m hungry all the time and I’m cranky.” Finally, some honesty in Hollywood.

Regardless, she’s tangled with liposuction in the past and it did not go well for her. She had some nasty complications that included a bad infection and a week-long catheter. And after she recovered she said she didn’t see any difference in her body!

What impressed me was that she didn’t go on a crusade to stop liposuction. She just pointed out that every procedure has risks and then, years later, underwent lipo again with good results. I’m positive I wouldn’t have gone through that again but I admire her for telling it like it is.

Patricia Heaton

The only other person who’s spoke sincerely, in my opinion, is Patricia Heaton. She played Ray’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” On the show her character had three kids that included a set of twins. In reality she had four kids via four C-sections and then she had a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. (It’s crazy to hear about a breast reduction in California, isn’t it?)

You know why she did it? This is what she told People Magazine: “Vanity. I mean it. Vanity.”

Bravo, Patricia Heaton! You get a one-woman standing ovation. She owns it, gingah. She didn’t like how her body looked and so she made a change. She did not tell the world that she did 1,000 crunches every day for three months to get a flat stomach.

Total side note: I just thought of this, how much does a tummy tuck cost? Unless your doctor is willing to massage the insurance forms, all of these procedures have to be deemed cosmetic and optional. As far as I know, there’s no insurance company that pays out based on vanity.

I know. These are celebrities with tons of disposable income. Buying cheek implants is probably like upsizing that McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

So tell me, are there any celebrities out there whose honesty you admire?

I think it’s time to play the $25,000 Pyramid again. Last time Sheryl Crow agreed to be my partner in the Winner’s Circle. Today Seal has agreed to be my partner. He will give the clues; I will make the guesses.

Why Seal? I really like his music, I’m a big fan of his wife, Heidi Klum, and he has a British accent. British accents rule.

Producer cues “Amazing,” Seal walks out to applause, music fades and he takes his seat.

Cardiogirl: “Thank you so much, Mr. Seal. Can I call you Seal or would you prefer Mr. Seal?”

Seal: “Seal is fine. Right then, shall we get started?”

CG: “Yes.”

Two minutes are added to the digital clock and the bell rings.

Seal: “Lockers. Your oldest kid. Being in middle school and having a small locker at your disposal.”

CG: “Things that make me have anxiety dreams at night including — but not limited to — the fear of forgetting the combination when I use one of the steel lockers at the Y.” Buzzer sounds to indicate a wrong answer.

Seal: “You’re over-thinking this. Conversations with your kid last summer before school started.”

CG: “Things that I over analyze!” Buzzer. “DAMNATION! Things that my kid talked about obsessively all summer long before school started.” DING!

Seal: “The sound of Keith Morrison’s voice. Petting a cat.”

CG: “Things that I enjoy.” DING!

Seal: “Fish. The musky scent that old hippies wear. Burning incense.”

CG: “Things that set off my gag reflex.” DING!

Seal: “Watching true crime any time you want on Investigation Discovery.”

CG: “Things that make me get down on my knees and praise Jesus.” DING!

Seal: “New Year’s Resolutions. Squirrels.”

CG: “Things that I cannot stand and that should be eradicated from society.” DING!

Seal: “Vinegar. The fact that you FINALLY have some normal neighbors who moved in across the street.”

CG: “Things that make me believe that miracles still occur.” DING!

Time ends and I win all the money.

Apparently there’s a new meme in town — the Jim Carrey Meme.

If you haven’t heard, Jimmy-Jam created a YouTube video in which he declared his love for Emma Stone. If you don’t feel like watching the video, you can read the transcript.

Jim Carrey’s desperate message to Emma Stone

I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids.

We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex? (Stares into the distance imagining all kinds of lewd, creepy scenarios involving food, fur and who knows what else.)

Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.

The rules of the game

The rules to the meme aren’t very clear, in my opinion.

One option is to put your own spin on a letter to Emma Stone. I think Emma has suffered enough so I’m going with a second option.

Option number two is to create your own creepy, semi-stalker letter to anyone — or anything — else.

Cardiogirl’s desperate message to Paxil

I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re the best anti-depressant out there. Not just effective but, you know, affordable with a fantastic generic option. And if I were a lot younger, like in my mid-20s, I would request a prescription from my primary care physician.

And our life together would be bright and shiny and all of the crazy shit my priest, my brother-in-law and my family pulled for the last five years wouldn’t matter. We’d laugh all day long and talk about The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank) and Storage Wars on A&E. And you would love Barry (one of the bidders on Storage Wars) just as much as I do.

And the life I would live without holding tight to grudges? (Stares into the distance imagining how much brain matter would be freed up to focus on other things instead of creating countless numbers of voodoo dolls to deal with actual, and perceived, injustices.)

Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I routinely picked you up from Walgreen’s. But I don’t pick you up from Walgreen’s. I’m 43. I didn’t discover anti-depressants until I was 37.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and mass production. That’s all.

Aaaaand scene!

What does your Jim Carrey meme look like?