Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

There are two schools of thought regarding fluorescent light bulb clean up. There’s the EPA-recommended method and then there’s the Cardiogirl method.

The Cardiogirl Method (aka The Wrong Way)

Please note: swearing is the key to this method.

1. Stand in shock as you watch poisonous vapors slowly disperse throughout the room.

2. Let loose with a string of profanities.

3. Pick up the largest pieces with your bare hands and throw them in the trash. Sweep up the remaining shards with a broom and dustpan and dump it all in the trash. Be aware that microscopic shards of glass will be. Ev. Ery. Where. Since the pieces seem to be lighter than air.

4. Mumble expletives as you fill your lungs with all of the poisonous mercury floating in the air.

5. Pray fervently that medicare part d will cover all of the prescription drugs necessary to deal with this problem 25 years from now.

6. Finish the job with a Shop-Vac while swearing under your breath.

7. Leave the final shards in the Shop-Vac; take out the trash.

8. As an after thought, wash your hands thoroughly.

9. Swear some more later in the day.

The EPA-Recommended Method (aka The Right Way)

I’ve bolded the instructions that look like they might be important.

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.

3. Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).

4. Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.

5. Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.

6. Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

7. Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it. If your state permits you to put used or broken fluorescent light bulbs in the garbage, seal the bulb in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash (if no other disposal or recycling options are available).

8. Wash your hands after disposing of the bag.

9. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

And that concludes this Public Service Announcement; we’ll now return to regular programming.

As you may know, Friday is supposed to be The Book of Questions Day around these parts. They always come from “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

But things are not running smoothly over here so I’m becoming a blogging maverick and I’m making my own questions up on Saturday whenever I remember that it is, indeed, Saturday.

So here’s the faux question.

The neighbor who lives behind you has a large dog that resembles a semi-albino German Shepherd with icy-cold blue eyes. The neighbor leaves the dog outside, many times per day, long enough for the dog to issue incessant bark-whines while sitting in front of the sliding doors on the deck.

Do you confront the neighbor?

As you may have guessed, this happens multiple times per day, every day. I hear it in the summer when I have the windows open and we’re swimming in the backyard. I hear it in fall, winter and spring when the windows are closed and the furnace is running. Occasionally, I hear it in my sleep.

So far I’ve done nothing besides bitch about it to Mr. C and, now, to you. I’ve timed the length of the barks; they average around 13 minutes. I came close to writing a note so I could leave it in their mailbox with the hopes that they would then submit it to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com but I chickened out.

I then considered knocking on that person’s front door and gently mentioning that the dog seems to want to come in and perhaps the owner did not hear the dog barking. If someone knocked on my door for that reason — and was nice about it — I’d want to know. But then I figured most people are assholes when it comes to face-to-face confrontations so I skipped that route.

So far I’ve done nothing. However, I do think my best bet is to leave a fun, brightly decorated passive-aggressive note complete with doodles.

Of course I’d have to leave the note at three in the morning.

To: Facebook
From: Cardiogirl
Re: My profile banner

Usually I start a memo on a positive note so as not to make the recipient defensive. I cannot, nay, I. Will. Not. Do that today Facebook. You drive me effing insane. I hate you!

You’re not quite a necessary evil, but you’re a tool I should probably use to network. Now that I’ve been working on some extreme blog makeovers (and actually making enough to buy a few pairs of new Converse) I have to figure out how to hogtie you into doing what I want for the client.

And that is the only reason why I have an account.

I just want to express myself

Just like everyone else out there, I want my page to reflect me. I’ve got my ponytail in there and I’m not even going to say thank you for allowing that.

Being able to choose my own profile picture — without incident — is an inalienable right on Facebook. Yep, I said it loud and proud, gingah.

But I should be able to choose, and tag, the stupid photos that I want to show on my banner. AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THEM! It’s not like I’m trying to add crazy S&M photos. And yes, I’ve tried that stupid fbanners.com. It imports the photo in five pieces and it stays in order but only *I* can see it. No one else can.

You need to fix the banner issue on fan pages, too

So then I tried a trick that works on fan pages since you cannot import one full picture in order. By the way, that sucks FB. You should be able to do that. But you can’t. Because it’s a stupid fan page and not a personal account.

Here’s the trick that works on fan pages. You have to create a Note and then add five separate photos that are cropped in the correct size (98 x 67 pixels.) Once you do that, you will force FB to show those five photos in the banner on the fan page.

But. BUT! They’ll jumble out of order every time you refresh the page. So you cannot create one wide photo that will stay in order.

Fine.

So that’s what I did on my personal page. Now *I* can see it. But no one else can.

Is it so much to ask that the rest of the people on FB can see this?

No. It is not too much to ask, effer. And in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll be working on a Facebook voodoo doll this afternoon.