All I used to want for Christmas was a hysterectomy
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I found a writing prompt — Before I was a mom — at Mama’s Losin’ It today and I thought it looked like a worthy challenge.
Before we begin, you must know that I really hate it when the beginning of a sentence is the same for every bullet point.
So I’m only gonna say it once and then you’re just going to have to fill in the blank in front of every heading, alright?
Before I was a mom:
I never wanted children.
The question came up at the bridal shower where I made sure not to break any ribbons: “When are you going to have kids?” My standard answer was, “My biological clock is digital; there’s no ticking going on in here.”
That was not a sarcastic come back, it was the truth.
I am the last child of a big family. I never babysat as a kid and I didn’t hang out with children younger than me. I hate listening to babies cry and I don’t like changing diapers. I’ve never been interested in holding anyone’s infant — other than my own — and I’m really over the miracle of life.
I do, however, enjoy kittens and long walks on the beach.
I thought my husband was lame for wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day.
I actually remember standing in front of him one summer day — aghast — when he announced he was retiring for a nap. The sun was shining, it was 85 and balmy and buckets of fun were just waiting to be had. I really did think he was lame with a capital L.
I now see the error of my ways and feel like I missed out on a lot of solid napping opportunities in my 20s.
We went out with other couples on a regular basis.
Man, we were always up for dinner at Chili’s. Eventually we became one of three childless couples, in our group of friends, who were always available for dinner and a movie. Whenever, wherever. Good times.
I did laundry twice a month and I had to wash the one red shirt I owned by itself.
I separated the clothes into two loads back then — the white load and the dark load. Man life was so much easier when things were black and white.
I also remember having enough disposable income to buy more socks and underwear when I didn’t feel like doing laundry.
I wore makeup on a regular basis and I had a lot of bad hair days.
I used to wear eye shadow and I worked the hell out of my liquid eyeliner, jack.
I only used it on the top lid with a line that was narrow at the bridge of the nose and widened ever so slightly toward the outer lashes. The pièce de résistance was the very slight upward flair at the end.*
I spent a whole lotta time working that look on my wedding day. My hair, which was styled in the Kelly McGillis bob for ten years, also took a lot of time to create.
You’d think it would be pretty easy to work that hairstyle, but you’d be wrong. There’s an art to creating that pouf. I’ve actually thought about devoting an entire post — with diagrams — to explaining the arduous work that went into producing that look every day.
Lastly, I swore freely and liberally.
Now I really have to watch my mouth since the walls, the hardwood floors, the microwave and the bathroom all have ears.
*Guess who those peepers belong to.
Tags: Things that make me ponder
Sadly, I have no memory of life, or thoughts before I was married. It seems I’ve been married my whole life. That’s what happens when you marry at the age of 20, I guess. I kind of have flashes of high school…mostly wistful thoughts of first-love-lost, kind of thoughts, but no solid memories.
I guess I should clarify that there were two marriages in my past. The first ended in 1995, and I lived single for a year. But I was back in college, at the age of 44, living in the graduate student dorm. About all I can remember of that year is attending classes and studying long hours. My last semester on campus, I was taking 20 credit hours of classes. There just wasn’t a lot of time for deep thoughts or leisure activities.
I wonder if that will happen to me once I’ve been married/had children for more than half my life. I’ll get to the halfway mark on marriage in 10 years and halfway on kids in 22 years. Ugh.
I’m so impressed that you were in college — in the dorms, no less — at 44. Were you living in the dorm before the divorce or because of it? I cannot imagine my husband living on campus while I was here holding down the fort.
I love this and think I might borrow it today, with linkage of course. I always wanted kids, because I didn’t know any better. I wish someone had told me.
SWEET! This was a fun post.
I always laugh (inside) when my oldest kid asks me, “Did you want kids when you were my age?” She’s 10. Uh, hell no. NO!
So I tell her, “Not at ten years old, but later I did.”
Those peepers? Angelina Jolie.
I am surprised you used to wear make-up like that. You seem like you were always the low maintenance type. I never used liquid eyeliner, but I in high school I did do the using a lighter or match to soften the end of the eyeliner thing. What a mess.
Before I had kids? I was fun. Now? Not so much.
Oh my. My biological mother always did the lighter thing with her eyeliner. It was fascinated to me as a kid. But boy did it go on thickly on her inner eyelid.
It did go on thickly. A very 80′s thing. I too would put it on the inner lower eyelid. Blech.
I do have a MAC eyeliner that I use to line my inner rim when I’m feeling particularly goth, but I smudge it and it looks a lot softer than what my bio mom used to do.
I agree – that’s Jolie
@Michelle Ding a hundred, gingah! You are a winnah!
I have actually evolved into this woman you see before you, but you are correct in that my high-maintenance mode was pretty low anyway. This was the extent of my maintenance back then — I always had to wash/dry/curl my hair before I left the house and I needed to put makeup on.
Even to run to McDonald’s on Saturday morning for breakfast. Hah! Now I can go at least two full days without a shower and the only make up I ever wear is lipstick and that’s only 35% of the time.
@blue I remember seeing other chicks do that — melt the eyeliner pencil — but I never did. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t start using the liquid eyeliner until I was 23. And I was always too freaked out to line the inner lower lid. I figured I’d poke my eyes out.
@Bumbles You are the second runner-up and if Michelle cannot perform her duties as the winnah, you will be required to step in.
Listen, jack, can you teach me how to do the eyeliner? My lines are always too thick, and what’s supposed to be the delicate swoop at the outer edge always looks like a 75-pt. comma.
WINNAH! You’ve earned the Gold Star of the Day, JD. It was the 75-point comma that did it. Excellent imagery.
EXCELLENT!
On a side note, I have such vague memories of how I did it. I know I pulled the outer lid taut to get a flat canvas, if you will, and I always had a Q-tip handy to wipe up the goofs.
But I’m sure I couldn’t do it today, unless I wanted the 75-point comma.
there’s a clock? i only asked for the time and somebody forgot to set the alarm. and if i get a nap in the middle of the day, it was well earned, jinjah. it seems weird to just go take a nap, but like a dog, i would want to be tired out first. but at work, i want naps often.
i would say those eyes are angie’s, but she has more catty eyes and that’s a good bingo for not saving the jpeg with the celeb’s name. you know i was hoping you would do that so i hoovered over the picture to cheat. yes i was going to cheat, but i confess. this time. angie also has a mole over her right brow or some where around there. why do i know that?
my next pick is eva l. parker, but i could be wrong.
jada p. smith? no. well they could be.
I laughed at my misunderstanding when I read this line:
it seems weird to just go take a nap, but like a dog, i would want to be tired out first.
I read, “It seems weird to just go take a nap LIKE A DOG (does.)” And that made me laugh crazily imagining myself slowly walking in a circle on my bed and then curling up under the covers for a power nap.
The *only* reason I caught the name thing was because you noticed last time that I added the name. I can’t remember the content of that post or I’d link to it, but I know I threw out the challenge.
This is how much I love you, V – I found the post. I had to search my comments to find it because I remembered that Bumbles got the correct answer.
hehe I’ve been married just over three years and kids are in the future somewhere maybe one day.
For now my main challenge is being at work on time, remembering to brush my hair and having something semi healthy for lunch.
When it comes to washing all my stuff is pretty much thrown in together except for new things and white things lol.
That is something I learned after kids — once an item has been washed for at least six months, it’s not gonna run and I can do a mish-mash load without fear of turning the whites light blue.
I suck at guessing celebrities so I’m not even going to try. I’m a party pooper, I know.
I love love love doing that upswept thing at the end of my eyeliner line (though I line the upper and the lower lashes), although lately it seems to be harder to do as well as I would like, no matter whether I’m using a pencil, liquid, or a pot of cream eyeliner with a brush. But then since I’m somewhat low-maintenance, I do the best I can in about two minutes, and then I call it good. My sister, on the other hand, is super high-maintenance, and I’ve seen her spend 30 minutes on her eyeliner, getting more and more frustrated, because the line wasn’t absolutely perfect. I couldn’t see the difference between the “perfect” line and the “messed-up” line when she was done, so it was a total waste of time in my book.
I do love to line my inner rim with a dark, dark grey when I’m feeling particularly goth. I have to say, it looks really good with my light eyes. Haha. I’m probably getting too old for that look, but oh well. I’ll rock it a few more years. I’ll be sad when I have to give it up. And I ALWAYS wear something colored on my eyes. No neutrals here — unless I’m doing a smoky eye. If I’ve got neutral eyeshadow on, chances are I’m rocking turquoise eyeliner. Haha.
I don’t really remember life before kids. We spent three years of our married life as just a couple, and I remember it was loads of good times because Kurt’s job was keeping him busy only about ten hours a week, and I had a job I really liked down in Virginia Beach. But we pretty much kept to ourselves; we didn’t have many friends, not like now where I’m always flitting off hither, thither, and yon. Thank God for the internet.
Oh, and laundry? I separate Kurt’s and mine into brights and darks (almost ALL his clothes go into darks, while almost all of mine go into brights), and then I do the kids’ laundry in one load since it’s mostly bright, though I do separate out their jeans and stick them in Kurt’s and my dark load. It’s the folding of the kids’ laundry that gets me every time, though. I feel so virtuous when I actually fold it the same day I do it.
Look at you rockin’ the goth look as a mother of small children.
I also hate folding children’s clothes and the socks. Oh God the socks.
We are one of very few couples in our circle of friends who are sans kids. From those new parents, we get lots of resentment and jealousy. From those folks with older kids, we get invited on lots of weekend get-aways and nights out on the town to celebrate their abilities to afford good sitters.
Sounds like you two have the best of both worlds. I’m a relatively old-hand at parenting and I’m *still* jealous of you.
Oh. My. God. CG! That’s how I do myyy eyeliner. I’m supposed to get dressed up tonight, so maybe I’ll do some make up pics in the mirror. I read your post in my email about to get excited I was going to see a wedding day pic. And no clue who that woman is. Reading others, I agree with Angelina. I wish I had those eyebrows.
I know I napped at least once a week in college. Did it all the time on campus between classes. But I’m a night owl and often saw the sun rise after a bar would let us stay all night.
When ALL my clothes are dirty, I have pinks, whites and darks. That’s right. I have a load of pink. I do Jeff’s on Sunday, all darks.
Sweep the Leg, jack! Awesome eyes and I’m looking for a picture from you, missy.
I didn’t have a pink load until I had kids. Now the majority of my loads are pink. All pink, all the time.
I also remember having enough disposable income to buy more socks and underwear when I didn’t feel like doing laundry.
Wow. Just … wow.
Why is that a wow? I think I went to Victoria’s Secret every week for a month once in high school.
I’m shocked at Cardiogirl. I guess it’s only because I know her now? I’m just surprised that she’d spend money on something new because she didn’t want to wash it.
I think I need to lie down in a darkened room.
@Solomon It was easier to shimmy out of my cheapskate mode when I was making money and we had no kids. I was also really lazy.
Make sure to put a wet compress on your forehead when you lie down.
@Liz I have to say, I’m surprised that I did it back then. I guess that shows how money was not very tight then. When I think of that now, I wish we had banked every one of my pay checks before we had kids.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Thank you for describing my life right now, haha. My friend just told me last night she’s pregnant (they’ve been married a couple of years and just got a house), and expressed remorse that we’re not having kids sooner (read: at all) for them to play with. They were also the only ones who are married, up until last week. All the girlfriends/wives in this group are younger than their boyfriends/husbands, and she was the only one that isn’t career-driven. Needless to say, we do a lot of stuff with other couples.
I also swear way too much for children, and I do my own effing laundry (Neil has a closet and a half of clothes…I have the other half of the closet) or else I end up doing 5 extra loads.
However, I do not wear makeup, because I suck at it. Perhaps I suck at it because I never wear it, but that’s besides the point. Thank you grandma for giving me good skin, even despite the crazy personality disorders that came with it!
No problem :)
After we were married I always felt like it would be a slight to my husband if I did not wash his clothes. So I always throw his stuff in without thinking about it.
However.
He knows not to touch my clothes since I always have a stain I want to work on or there’s something that can be washed but must not go in the dryer. Or something that can go in the dryer for five minutes but then must be hung to dry.
Etc., etc.
My roommate in college would often buy new underwear instead of doing laundry…I was amazed! Laundry usually consists of a darks load and sometimes a light colored load. When I get enough whites, I will do a load with bleach instead of mixing them into the lights load.
Even though we have a white load now, it’s always the smallest on. Seems like it’s just socks, T-shirts and white school shirts.
I used to live in white T-shirts when we first married. I had an impressive collection of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts. But these days I wear colored T-shirts exclusively.
I had a roommate who would do laundry twice a month too. Only, she would run out of underwear just like Buf’s roomie.. She would constantly be buying more underwear an socks to keep herself going. On the rare occasion she would wash a pair or two in desperation in the sink, she would hang them in the main room of the apartment for all the world to see. If ever anyone came to pick me up, I’d have to just ignore the underwear tree, or I would be sure to be ready to walk out the door immediately to divert attention from it.
Oh. YUCK.
Yuck.
My husband and I don’t have kids. Of all the married couples our age we know, only one doesn’t have kids…and that’s just because the wife has a medical issue. Sometimes I feel like an alien among all the moms. I wanted kids really badly for a couple of years, then I realized that wanting to fit in was not a good enough reason to procreate. So now I work in the church nursery to get a baby fix, and enjoy the knowledge that I will never have to deal with teenage sassmouth.
I’m really jealous of the liquid eyeliner! It looks so cool, but I could never master it.
I started liquid eyeliner when I was 15. Back then, I couldn’t do it without 8 q-tips. That was the minimum. You can’t beat the all day waterproofness.
@absepa There’s a lot to be said for not having to deal with sassmouth at any age from any child.
@Liz I’m still waiting for that photo, chica.
I really did mean to take one last night, but forgot the snapshot until I had already applied my fake eyelashes.
The internet makes image contests so easy!
I present Tin Eye.
It turned out cheating wasn’t necessary.
The guys I know have a simpler solution to not having clean laundry. Just wear the dirty laundry some more. This is the first time I’ve heard of people buying socks because they’re clean.
At first I thought you were joking, linking to a picture of the Terminator. That’s crazy, man! I’m going to have to paste in one of my Converse low tops to see what comes up.
I draw the line at re-wearing used underwear. No chance.
Booyah! Click on that, jack.
What an awesome post… I can relate SO much. Yup, I was a person way back before kids… I had a clean,non-smelly apartment with no sunflower seeds in the cushions. (that would be my middle kid) I never had to worry about someone else’s grades (that would be my oldest son) and I certainly didn’t have to hear high pitched whinging whenever someone got bored. (That would be my younger daughter)
BUT…. I also didn’t get to snuggle with the sweetest little red haired girl in the world, I didn’t get to laugh hysterically with an unbelievably crazy blond teenager and I didn’t get to try standing on the surf board with my oldest son teaching me. Yup, I wouldn’t trade it, that is for sure!
Thanks Katherine! Definitely I’ve experienced more in this life because I have kids, but I have to be honest. I do remember life before kids.
I hear so many parents say, “I can’t remember what life was like before kids.” Well I remember.
Are they Angelina’s? The only thing I miss from my pre-child days is sleep. And, being alone and cute and nicely dressed and clean and able to wear white and sit quietly anywhere and not having to share the bathroom, my plate, and my bed with someone small. Okay. So maybe I miss a lot. But so much has been gained. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
Yes ma’am, those are Ms. Jolie’s — well done!
(laughs) Like you, I continue to tell myself how much this has enhanced the whole Life 101 experience. But sometimes I wonder how I signed up for this elective.
Isn’t it funny how the things we thought were important then so are not important or AS important anymore. Perspective. (visiting from writers workshop)
It is funny, actually. I have changed so much since I had children and I really have learned that it’s exhausting to be anal retentive.