A 17-year-old Cardiogirl gets catty, Part I
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Fasten those seat belts we’re going back to 1985. I was 17 and quite obviously failing math. There are some brutal thoughts in here that are not apologetic at all. This one is making me cringe and my only explanation is that I was a sullen 17-year-old.
Also, there is so much explanation necessary that I am cutting this post in half. The first part of the journal entry is here with the explanatory back story.
Tomorrow I’ll publish the second half of the entry and the necessary back story to explain that part. No worries, I’ll link back to this one after I write part two.
March 29, 1985
Things are okay, they could be better. It must be spring, I’m restless at school and my grades leave much to be desired. I just pigged out ten minutes ago.
Of course today is Jack’s birthday and we had a big dinner with cake and ice cream. Blah, I ate too much and I’m going to burst. Gross.
Tomorrow, that’s when I’ll stop eating. Ha.
My math grades are so low it’s not even funny. I hate that class more than anything. It kind of competes with going to a wedding, that’s how much fun I have going there.
Claire called Kate (my sisters) the other day and believe it or not, she talked to me. About the baby.
I’m sorry but I can’t get jacked about a baby. Kill me but that’s the way I am. So she’s thrilled to death…
To be continued…
When I read this I was struck by the lack of transitions. It’s just stream of consciousness with no common thread. It just jumps from one thought to the next and the thoughts are brutal with no regard for the other person.
That’s surprising to me since I usually take great pains to be diplomatic and really think about what I’m going to say before I speak. I also tend to analyze where the other person is coming from so I can understand what motivates him or her. But here, that’s not the case at all.
I guess I was freely sharing my thoughts hoping (clears throat) no one else would ever read it.
I’m not surprised to see that I ate crazily and then said I would begin a diet tomorrow. That mantra came from my father who was constantly declaring he was going to start a diet on Monday. He really was a binge eater and I’m being diplomatic here. Not much moderation going on there.
So my mind set, for the longest time, was that I would get to that dieting gig tomorrow — some later date but not today. And I do remember just filling my gullet until my stomach hurt. That’s disgusting and embarrassing.
These days if I want a taste of cake or something sweet I eat it and then get strict with the program at the next meal, not tomorrow or next week.
Oy, the math class.
I was actually in Trigonometry which blows my mind. I did so-so in Algebra in ninth grade, maybe a B-. I struggled with Geometry in tenth grade. I’m not sure I even earned that C. I think it was a mercy C and probably should have been a D-. I still have nasty flash backs regarding proofs.
And it’s truly a crime that anyone let me take Trigonometry. Every day I brought that thick red and gray book home and every day I threw that book on my bed until I picked it up to go back to school in the morning. I seriously have no memory of ever studying at home. Or ever.
I vividly remember sitting in my desk in June taking the final and feeling like I’d never seen any of that stuff in my life. Which was pretty much the case.
I am absolutely positive I failed that class but the teacher passed me with a C. I can remember his face with wire framed glasses and a sparse mustache, but can’t remember his name. His last name began with an S and he was really nice. I do remember the look of ambivalence on his face when we discussed him passing me knowing I had failed. Um, thanks Mr. S?
Moving on to the nephew.
That sister has always been an island until herself. If it works out to visit with her it works out. If not she isn’t fazed by it. She’s just laissez fair about relationships in general, so I never really talked with her on the phone when she called. She got married at 19 and then moved around the US because her husband was in the Coast Guard.
That’s why I was surprised when she talked with me on the phone.
I never wanted children. I never babysat. I never enjoyed babies. At around the age of 16 I always said I wanted a hysterectomy for Christmas. That line held true until I got married at 26.
And I was nervous when I was pregnant. I still do not enjoy holding other people’s babies. I’m not a baby/child kinda gal. But obviously I worked through that issue since I have three children now.
My mom always told me it would be different when it was my own baby and she was right. But I’m still sort of nervous around children and definitely find it easier to work with my own kids once they are at least four years old. They can talk, they’re potty trained and they can at least tell me why they are pissed off and screaming on the floor.
I can also begin to reason with them and at that age they know where to sit during time out.
But at 17 I was having none of it. I am certain I was miming jamming my finger down my throat while on the phone with her. It was just a world I could not understand. And clearly a world I did not want to understand.
Three kids and hopefully no more! Karma’s a real bitch, isn’t it?
To be continued…
weeee, enjoyed the ride. is it safe to move freely about the blog now?
me? school? study? don’t. remember. shet.
don’t like weddings, didn’t want kids either.
Three kids and counting…. you want to talk about that?
Yes, it’s safe until part II. Then you need to secure the metal bar in front of you and hang on tight.
I still don’t care for weddings. It’s not the church, it’s the reception where you have to make small talk for five HOURS.
Mmm, I’ll let that one lie, she said as she crossed her fingers and toes and knocked on wood all around her.
you’re the d*mn reason i’m dreaming about fish then! it’s you! it’s you! i knew it was somebody, just didn’t know who. yay, let’s have a baby shower. “hercules, hercules” i’m going to be a blogging auntie and it’s a boy, just because you don’t have or want one. :)
okay dang, i ran with that one, didn’t i? i’m okay now. off to buy some baby clothes. i’m still going to smile all day.
small talk? i have book, will read it, anywhere. i hate weddings. just say i do. i don’t want to sit through the sermon.
“do you? yes. do you? yes. let’s go eat for an hour and then y’all go somewhere.”
Oh Natural, I wrote the wrong thing there, but it’s fun to keep people on their toes. No, no baby thank God.
But I feel like it would be just my luck to have seven kids knowing what my mind set was/is.
And yes you ran, jumped, boogied and jived with that one.
Dang I was getting excited about helping Natural plan a virtual baby shower :)
i know, counselor. why don’t we plan one for her anyway.
uh hi, cg.
LOL..thanks for the counselor nod :D
just a second, i have to cancel the caterer. oh girlfriend, you should have let that one sit up there and let us squirm like worms on the pavement after a rain storm. i love playful banter. leave people waiting and wondering. how exciting is that!
okay well somebody i know is having a baby then. 2 fish dreams. sum ting wong.
(laughs heartily) It is almost worth throwing that out there again just for the comments!
I have never ever heard of a fish dream meaning someone is pregnant. Now I’m going to pray I never dream about fish.
I can so connect with teen CardioGirl, but my problem is that I’m an ADULT and I feel that way. Well, maybe not so much about math, but I’m with you on the other stuff!
I don’t remember studying much in high school and I was happy being a “B” student. Now I wish I had studied harder–I could have really applied myself I guess.
Weddings–Ack. Hate them too. And I’ve got to go to one this summer for my niece. Hate the receiving line. Hate the photos. Hate the sitting at a table with strangers and making small talk. Hate to wear dress shoes. Hate the hang-over the next day. It’s just never good.
Babies?? Oh, THANK YOU GOD! Somebody else doesn’t like to hold other people’s babies!! Yes! I love when someone says “Do you want to hold the baby?” all sing-songy like. And I’m all “Uh, no thank you” and then they’re all kinda miffed like it’s some honor to hold their gooey kid. Ick. People really get offended if you don’t want to hold them–what is that??? I don’t like babies. Nope. Not even a little. I liked mine well enough, but only enough to have two–and they grew up. I’m done holding diaper butts, thank you.
Oh, and do you have something you want to announce there??? Three and counting???? What the??! Get a hamster, CG–the lifespan and cost is much smaller and less of a commitment. And don’t even think about asking me to hold your kid if you have another.
i’ll hold the baby then. actually i love babies and then i want them to go home.
@Lin Amen on looking back regarding studying. I really do feel like I could have done better if only I tried harder. No use crying over spilled milk, right?
Oh gah, the receiving line, forgot all about that! We did not have a receiving line at my wedding. Because I hate them! And the strangers at the table — I mean how long can you do polite chit chat. I can go maybe 15 minutes and then it’s awkward.
No shit on holding someone else’s kid. No thanks and let’s get off the high horse regarding your baby, eh? The kid is definitely special to you, but to me? Not so much.
No. Nothing to announce, I just feel like karma is biting my ass and if I don’t watch my back it will do it again. But right now, no thank you baby Jesus, nothing to report.
@Natural AUUUGGHHH! I’ll do it if forced, but I’m not happy about it.
LOVE kids. Anybody’s kids. Always willing to hold other people’s kids. Count me in for babysitting.
Way to go sanjay! You are invited to babysit next time you’re in the States :)
I was that way about kids too, until I got into my late 20s. It was that proverbial clock that was ticking…
I will admit, I felt a bit of that ticking around 30. My first kid arrived at 32.
I am totally forgiving when it comes to diaries of 17-year-olds. To hell with transitions and empathy! Those words don’t figure into a teenager’s vocab. My diaries were no better. I can still remember some of the things I said in them. Thank God I burned them all. I had alot of aggression, anger, and stupidity. Thought I knew it all. Frankly, its embarassing.
As far as kids go, I’m not all that warm to other people’s offspring. I’m not a meanie, but I’m not a nurturing, motherly type either. Except when it comes to mine. Sure I’ll hold someone’s baby if I must, unlike my mom. If there is a baby in the room, she’s got it snuggled in her arms. It’s God’s way of making sure that even people like us procreate!
Thank you Sandy! That one is cringe worthy to me. Yikes.
I am surprised there wasn’t more anger in me, because it’s all sorta popping up to the surface for me now for different reasons. Maybe it was really repressed, which I’m pretty sure was the case.
And my mom was EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! I can still see her rubbing her hands together in front of my babies and patting the crook of her left elbow to indicate where she wanted the head. Isn’t that funny? I did like watching the joy she got from holding the baby. And she was not discriminating in any way.
There’s a baby in the house? She’s holding it.
I will still pig out and vow to start a diet the next day. Food issues, much?
I hate weddings too. Partly it is the small talk at a table of people you may not know. The other issue is the dancing for me. Never was much of a dancer once I passed the drug using club hopping phase. I find that the older I get I practically have a phobia abut it now. I can’t dance. period. Invariably some idiot will cause a scene by trying to drag me out onto the dance floor. blech.
Love babies. Part of me would love to have more, but 4 is already way too busy most days. Are you having another?!!?! Do tell!
Yeah, you and me both with the food thing. Ugh, I hate that but I think it’s just a part of me now.
And we are one mind on the dancing. All the way down to drunk dancing in college versus the phobia now and some jackass trying to drag me to the floor. Man I hate dancing.
Nope no babies here.
“…and counting.” ????
Three kids …AND COUNTING?! Did I miss something? A hugely important something (cuz you know how much I hate to miss the IMPORTANT SOMETHINGS)?! Do you have something to tell us/me?
Shetbag?!
Excuse me while I rush back through a bzillion of your previous posts.
Oy I need to change that.
It was just a sarcastic comment to tweak fate basically saying based on my previous statements I’ll probably eat those words five times over.
No babies. Down with babies! For me. Not for anyone else.
Hey CG!
I love when you post about your old diaries. I was never much for diaries; I would make one or two entries and never go back. (Sort of like my blog…lol…but I promise I will post soon). In my opinion, diaries are kind of a form of self therapy. Transitions, etc aren’t needed because your are essentially talking to yourself and you already know where you are heading. In addition, you were most likely not writing for use by others in the future. For example, in Star Trek, the ship’s captain (and probably other crewmembers as well) maintains a log where they detail what is happening on the ship and with the crew. Often times, the log is used to figure out what happened or what preceded some sort of accident. Because of the potential future review and use of the logs, the captain is making entries knowing that they will be read by other people. Therefore, the entries would likely be more organized and utilize transitions, etc.
In regards to babies, I enjoy them but don’t feel the need to hold every single one I see. However, give me a little kid that is interactive (crawling, walking, talking, babbling, etc) and I’m all over them. If I’m at some sort of function (wedding, bridal shower, family gathering, etc) you will usually find me at one of two places, either the bar or playing with some little kids. Actually at my graduation party this weekend, I was playing Ring Around the Rosie with 3 little kids and actually fell down (all 300 lbs of me…lol) with them. I think I entertained several of the guests. Playing with the little kids not only gives their parents a break it also gives me a way of avoiding the awkward conversations, etc. Since I don’t have kids of my own, I consider my nieces and nephew as practically my own. I never really wanted kids as a teenager, never even imagined me with them. Around 31 or 32 my biological clock did actually start ticking. Now at 40, with a 60 year old boyfriend, I am facing the fact that it is unlikely that I ever will have children.
Btw, I think baby showers are the worst form of torture ever invented!! I’m all for giving presents (as long as I don’t have to Ooh and Ahh over them) and hanging out for awhile BUT there better be alcohol available and DON’T EVEN think about making me play goofy games like taste and name the baby food.
I definitely agree journaling is therapeutic, no question. It’s interesting to me to look back and see how I never really did analyze anything. It was just the issue and my response.
That’s wild because I thought I always analyzed the life out of everything all the time even during my teen years. I guess that was a specially honed talent.
I have to say you have done an excellent job with my Star Trek challenge and now I will let you off the hook. You have proven your leadership abilities — not unlike Kirk or Picard. I bow down to your greatness and I release you from the challenge.
But if you want to throw in a ST reference that’s cool, it’s just that you don’t have to anymore.
Yes, baby showers are crazy and inane with the stupid pretense of games. Let’s just get down to business: you’re having a baby, I brought a gift. Let’s eat cake and part ways. You can open it later.
I like the stream of consciousness thing.
I like your description of transporting your book back and forth from school. I do that with my writing notes every day, transport them from work and back, without ever looking at them (usually).
I was the opposite with kids and babies. I always had a natural knack with them. Sometimes I think that has warn off, when dealing with my daughter who seems to be 3 going on 16 already.
Really, you were into kids way back?
This is quite sexist, I’m realizing, but I just assumed guys weren’t into kids unless and until they had one themselves. That makes no sense, but that was what I thought.
It is so different with your own kid, isn’t it? Part of it, I guess, is that it’s unrelenting man. There’s no down time, it’s just kid, kid, kid 24/7.
@ buf – okay i’m really anti-social. i don’t like weddings, baby showers, surprise parties, bridal showers, cook-outs, parties in general (well i love my own dinner parties) or any where i have to sit and fake the funk and watch someone wear a stupid hat. darn that’s mean. i feel bad.
i’m going to work on that this weekend. we’re going on a picnic and i’m bringing a book, just for security, i think.
I have my cell phone with centipede on it as my security blanket. I’m pretty anti-social myself unless I really know everyone there. Even with my extended family I still feel out of place at times. However, I can at least carry on a conversation if someone else initiates it. I’m not very good at initiating them though.
@Natural I love that phrase “fake the funk.” And I’d like an update on Monday please, regarding the picnic experiment of 2009. Here’s your challenge — no books allowed.
@Buf Amen on initiation. I hate starting a conversation and then I have a hard time stopping the chit chat so we can both move on to another person. Isn’t it hard doing the break off?
Whew, what a post. I may have said before. I threw every journal away and I had a bunch of them. I don’t want those memories.
Showers are definitely the worst. My sister had three. Buying a $150 dress you’ll only wear once. I have a purple taffeta dress I had to wear in August. Unpleasant. There’s a reason I eloped. Took an hour from door to door of our hotel.
Ooooh, I love babies and children. I’ve always been really great with them. I babysat this little girl for two years in high school. It about tore my heart out when I graduated high school even though then I thought I probably wouldn’t have any. I had too many career aspirations. Then I really wanted them and then I got heavily medicated. I figure if I’m still against the idea at 30, my husband can get his vasectomy he wants so badly.
Husbands, cooking and all that jazz seemed so asinine in high school. We do know everything at 17, don’t we? Granted, my head worked at super fast speed in those days. I graduated high school with a 97 average and that was with almost all B’s in math. My older sister was great at math and I was uberjealous. Trig was the only C I got in high school. Last semester I got an 84, I was so pissed. I remember crying when I read the grade online. I took the class because I wanted to be better at math. I already had all my credits for graduation. No more over achieving for me. I’m too tired.
I had fairly healthy eating habits because I worked out so much. I ate when I was hungry, which was a lot. I really enjoyed being active as much as possible. I calculated once, and I ate about 4000 cals a day and never gained an ounce. Naturally, the body issues were there. I felt too big because my mother was 93 lbs at age 20 and I was already a size 4. A size 4! Oh, the horror!!!
Well look at the big brain on Liz. (Bonus points if you can tell me what movie that line comes from — no cheating.)
You actually took a math class that was not required just to get better at math?! Wow, that is over-achieving at its best.
I would be so much worse off, regarding body image, if my mother weighed 93 lbs. Don’t take this personally, but I really want to smack your mother, just reading that.
I’m afraid no bonus points for me this morning. I have very strange movie exposures. My mother was really strict until age 12.
I wanted to be an overachiever. My sister was 3rd in her 500 person graduating class. I was barely in the top 10%. It really got under my skin she could do calculus and I struggled with Trig. Everything my senior year was balls to wall. I was very intense.
Well now my mother is a whole 135 lbs and my real dad weighs less than I do. Uberannoying. Then I had the college b/f who said he would break up with me if I ever got over 132 lbs. Not sure why it was 132 specifically, but I didn’t eat much the two years we were together, and he did cut it off once I gained weight. Ass. Anyway, took years to realize it’s a personal satisfaction that makes you feel good about your body.
It was Pulp Fiction. Right before Samuel L. Jackson kills all of the guys in the apartment he has a dialogue with the main guy, Brett. At one point he tells Brett, “Look at the big brain on Brett. That’s right, the metric system.”
That’s so wrong regarding your former boyfriend, Liz. Now I want to kick his ass.
I have to say, good for you for keeping a diary, and then keeping it for so long! I literally just threw my teenage ones out last week. It was freeing, to me at least. We’re all a little snappy at that stage of life anyway, though, thank you hormones!
I enjoy weddings, though the ones I go to have open bars. That seems to mitigate the awkwardness.
As for children, no no NO! I don’t like to hold them, play with them, awkwardly take care of them–anything. I am not a motherly time, and roll my eyes when people take children into inappropriate situations and they cry and carry on if they’re bored or what have you. Likewise, my mom said it will be different with my own kids (Heaven forbid that actually happen), but I don’t think so.
I’m surprised you would throw them out, although we all have different ideas about what to save and what to pitch. I usually have no problem dumping stuff. It’s just the stuff I’ve written that I feel I have to keep.
I guess that’s what’s nice about blogging, no paper trail, easy storage.
Nothing wrong with identifying whether you’re a baby/kid kinda person or not. I really respect the people who do not have kids. I think they’ve thought about it and made the decision that’s right for them.
I never wanted kids, either, and babysitting (which was the only way to earn income before the age of 16 where I lived) was pure torture. I counted every single second between the time the parents left & when they returned.
It is better with my own kids, and I do now enjoy working with children. For brief time periods. I could never, ever be a teacher.
As for your journal entry? To me it sounds a LOT like the rapid fluctuations of a little thing called estrogen.
Oh, I blogged about you, somewhat, today. Or rather, I blogged about trying something you suggested on here and how it didn’t turn out, and also that I have discovered your super power. LOL
Isn’t that funny, it never once occurred to me that I could make money babysitting back then. It just was not on the radar and I know I would have sucked at it.
And regarding teaching, I’VE SAID THE SAME THING!!! I don’t know how anyone works with other people’s kids. I just walked away from the pre-school this week while a teacher was dealing with a 3-year-old’s massive temper tantrum and I thought, “Thank God I can walk away from that.”
I loved your post, Wendy! Thanks!
I was with Natural, all ready to participate in a virtual baby shower. Plus, I was feeling dazed, like … how did I miss that? Good to know that it was a hypothetical karma statement. Isn’t it funny how we think that our own thoughts and opinions bear weight as to what will happen to us. This weekend, I found myself thinking … “couldn’t they (my 4 boys) stay away for longer than 2 days.” Immediately after I thought that, I thought, “OMG, what if something happens to them on the drive home and here I was thinking that I wish they would stay away longer … how would I live with myself.” I do this kind of thing all the time, though. We are really struggling to handle the three we’ve been given and both the hubby and I look at each other like, “Wouldn’t it just be our luck if, as careful as we are, we ended up having to do this again when we already feel WAY too old for this gig!”
Now, I’m off to Wendy’s blog to see what she discovered about your super power(s).
Whoa, whoa, whoa ginga. What do you mean “my 4 boys” and then later you said “We are really struggling to handle the three we’ve been given…” Anything there for you to tell or was that a typo?
Yes, I’ve experienced that same thought and the same guilty response. And I also feel like thinking I’m in control gives me a false sense of power over my situation.
And I’ve also had that thought — we are too old for the gig we have, however my mother had me when she was my age (41.) Please don’t let history repeat itself, God.
By 4 boys, I only meant my 3 boys and the 1 boy I call my hubby. Since they were all four gone, it was too idyllic. Of course, I spent most of the time trying to frantically clean this place (not exactly my favorite way to spend a birthday, but not nearly as painful as it is do handle when they are all around). If I had been blessed with another few days, I’m sure I would have wasted the time in harmful eating and leisurely reading (bliss).
I turned 44 on Sunday. If I were to get pregnant now, I think I would have a heart attack on the spot. For one, it would mean a fourth c-section (and the muscles still haven’t healed properly from the third one) and for another, if it were another boy I would be in mortal terror. Tonight they discovered a huge snapping turtle in the back yard. It was a miracle that nobody lost a finger – believe me they were being poked too close for comfort many times.
Okay, I had a feeling that was it, but then I thought maybe I’m wrong.
I spend too much time on harmful eating whether they’re home or not. And lately I’ve been reading on the couch while they create havoc all around me. Can’t wait for summer vacation to hit its full stride. Right now I only have one kid in school until next Thursday at noon. I’m crying already.
Happy belated birthday, Wendy! My gift to you is fervent prayers that you will not have a fourth child.