Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

Only 99 hours left until school starts.

Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts. Today’s query comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

And here it is, Question 13.

What would constitute a “perfect” evening for you?

With or without kids?

With kids: All three would eat everything I gave them for dinner, including the green beans, and declare, sincerely, how tasty it was. Why thank you kindly, girls.

They’d clear the table, wipe it down and then sweep up the food that fell on the floor. After playing a few board games — Don’t Wake Daddy and Cranium Triple Triumph — they’d yawn and tell me they were going to bed. And then they’d get ready for bed without any horseplay and fall asleep immediately after tucking themselves in.

Meanwhile I’d toggle between watching a marathon showing of Dr. G: Medical Examiner and Forensic Files. And as fate would have it, I’d never catch a commercial between those two shows.

Without kids: Mr. C and I would get Chinese takeout and eat at the coffee table in the living room like we used to. We’d watch Hardball with Chris Matthews (Mr. C’s show) while we ate and then we’d settle into the Dr. G/Forensic Files marathon. Mr. C would watch with me and actually discuss some of the heinous crimes we were viewing.

I would also rent Hobbes for the night and that cat would be my bitch. He would love me unconditionally — even though we just met — and he’d be happy to sit in my lap, chase a string and let me pet him for hours. I’d quietly slip him some of the chicken from my dinner and we’d bask in the sunshine of our love.

Later I’d have a yen for chocolate so I’d eat some Hershey Kisses and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. And someone, with clean hands, would have already removed the wrappers so I could submerge my dirty paws in the bowl without having to remove my eyes from the television screen.

Lastly, that Chinese food and all of the chocolate would have negative calories. I’m not talking about zero calories so it added nothing to my daily caloric intake. I’m talking about calories that were burned by eating the food. The more candy you ate, the more weight you would lose.

That, my friend, would be a perfect evening.

Only 195 hours left until school starts.

We hit a milestone at Casa de Cardiogirl this weekend. Seventy-five percent of the childproof locks have been removed from the cupboards and drawers in our kitchen.

Can I get an amen my brother? I have been looking forward to this day for more than nine years. If you have no clue what childproof locks on cabinets are, why they are necessary or how they work consider yourself lucky.

Babies and toddlers are like termites; they destroy everything in their path. Once you have a baby nothing below waist-height is safe inside your house. Their hands are everywhere and every item they touch goes directly into their mouths.

Got an under-the-counter cabinet that houses AAA batteries? Babies and
toddlers
are like
termites; they destroy
everything in
their path. Then you’ve got yourself a big problem just waiting to happen. Add some matches and a set of barbecue tongs and you’re guaranteeing imminent death.

That’s where the childproof lock comes in. It’s a plastic device that allows the cabinet to open two inches or so and then catches. You must depress the plastic lock to unhinge it.

As with any sort of change, it takes the human mind a few weeks to accept and adapt to the new status quo.

When we first installed those locks it was extremely annoying to pull the drawer only to hit resistance after two inches. The silverware rattled, I mumbled, “Grrrr,” and then pushed the drawer in an inch so I could press the latch down to release it.

But eventually pressing down the latch became a subconscious action.

So now that the locks are gone, the reverse is happening. All of us — except for Emily, since she never learned how to release the latch — are slowly opening the cabinets and drawers with our index finger ready to release the latch. But, psyche!

*It’s not there!

And this leads me to my next point. I’m not one of those mothers who laments the changes from babyhood to early adolescence. Michelle isn’t either (sends a congratulatory cyber fist bump.) I have read about the mothers who actually miss hearing the crinkle of a diaper as their baby toddles about the house.

WTF, man? I cannot relate.

Diapers are expensive, they leak and they stink. Good riddance diaper, I shall not miss your presence in my household. Ditto on bottles, onesies, the crib, stacking toys, sippy cups and everything else that represents life before four years old. Onward and upward, gingah.

Oh yeah. Have I mentioned there are only 195 hours until all three of them start school?

Alright, there’s lots of stuff that goes on around this world that amazes me. Frequently I think, ‘That’s crazy; that is not okay.” But then again I’m not a risk taker and I tend to be uptight.

And this is exactly when I get on my knees and thank the good Lord that I have a blog which allows me to question a small segment of the population. I also like a good poll, so I’m killing two birds with one stone (pauses to mop up the blood and feathers.)

One note about the polls before we get started. There’s no gray area here. You cannot say it depends upon the circumstances. I have a gun to your head and if you utter anything besides “Okay” or “Not okay” you will be flossing your teeth with lead. Now that we all know the parameters, let’s get to it.

Throw rugs in front of the toilet

Quite a while ago I saw a show on HGTV where two interior designers pointed out the mistakes homeowners make when decorating their houses. They went room by room and gave their input. When they stepped into the bathroom both of them basically convulsed with dry heaves when talking about a rug in front of the toilet.

They felt that was a cesspool of germs, bacteria and overall nastiness. They basically begged everyone in America to stop that practice. The guy even went so far as to say he uses his foot to kick the rug away when using the toilet and then replaces it — with his foot — when he’s done.

Thoughts?

Setting boundaries for small children

How about allowing a three- to seven-year-old child to sit on the roof of the minivan while packing the car for a week-long trip? I saw that happen twice in my neighborhood last summer from two separate families. What say thee?

Society at large

You’re driving around town running some errands and the driver in front of you throws a smoldering cigarette butt out the window onto the road. Are you cool with that?

Mel Gibson’s recent behavior

Yeah, that’s right. I am like a fly on shit when it comes to Mel Gibson.

Alright boys and girls, thanks for playing Okay or Not Okay. I’ve left a voucher for a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni The San Francisco Treat on the table next to the door for your efforts. Grab one on your way out.