The guy with the tic is probably going to send me to Hell
There’s a guy at church with a verbal tic and he sits in the same area that we do. Now before I go any further I have to admit I really do feel conflicted about this.
Morally I feel really judgmental and terrible for being so annoyed. At church no less.
Socially I wonder whose responsibility it is to adjust his or her behavior.
So back to this guy. Roughly two months ago we were sitting up front in the pew settling in for the show. After the priest greeted us and we sat down to listen to the first reading I heard a “Tsk, tsk, tsk.”
It’s really difficult to describe the noise he makes. The only way I can recreate it is to clench my teeth and force my tongue against the back of my front teeth while blowing air out of my mouth. Yes, it’s a clumsy explanation, but if you can do that, you can hear what I’m hearing on Sunday morning.
The first time my kid heard that she immediately turned around to stare at whoever was making the noise. Then she looked at me with furrowed brows and whispered in my ear, “What’s that noise?”
I told her I thought it was a noise that someone could not control. I also told her it was not polite to stare and that she should keep her eyes on the altar because it would make that person uncomfortable.
I really do feel that way and I truly focus on the priest during Mass. But I hear the “Tsk, tsk, tsk” all throughout the service. I have to believe this is some version of Tourette’s.
It happens repeatedly during the hour, roughly every five minutes. The first four or five outbursts consist of two to four noises and then the next time there are between eight and ten “Tsk, tsks.” That makes me think that he is trying to control it by only making a few sounds, it builds up and then he has to release a bunch of noises. Then we go back to the same cycle.
I’m not positive who it is, but I know it’s one of two older men who actually sit four people apart in the same pew or one in front of the other. One guy looks like he’s in his 80s. He’s sort of stooped over, he has white hair and he usually wears a yellow button up sweater. He’s Yellow Cardigan.
The other guy looks like he’s mid-60s and he has a full head of salt and pepper hair — more pepper than salt. I call him Salt and Pepper and he is not to be confused with the hip hop band Salt-N-Pepa.
They’re both really friendly and genial and I happily shake their hands during the Sign of Peace. They both give me a solid handshake, eye contact and a sincere smile. I appreciate that and reply in kind.
Yesterday I was certain it was Yellow Cardigan. He was there alone when I walked in and sat down three pews ahead of him. I’ve been trying to discreetly figure out who it was for the last two months, so I felt some sense of closure.
As per usual, I kept my eyes straight ahead and felt bad for that guy since he obviously cannot control it and yet he still wants to practice his faith. I also felt judgmental. What if I had that issue and I still wanted to go to church?
So perhaps ten minutes into the hour I had a chance to casually glance around so my eyes could sweep behind me. I thought I might catch him in the act just to verify it was Yellow Cardigan.
And that is when I saw Salt and Pepper. Damnation! They were sitting in the same pew two rows behind me. One on my left and one on my right. I’m pretty sure the noise was coming from behind me on the right side which would mean it’s actually Salt and Pepper.
So Mass started and I tried to focus but that noise kept happening, dammit. Halfway through the service I really wanted to turn around and scream, “SHUT UP!!” And then I really felt like I was going straight to hell for not being tolerant and patient.
That’s when I started to wonder whose responsibility it was to change the environment. I know I cannot change another person’s behavior so that leaves me with two choices.
Door Number One: I can continue to sit in the same spot knowing I’m going to be serenaded by Yellow Cardigan or Salt and Pepper. Gah! I really want to know exactly who is making that noise.
Door Number Two: I can sit somewhere else, somewhere farther away so I don’t have to listen to the noise.
But I still wonder, what’s that guy’s responsibility? If that were me, I’d really feel self conscious and I would sit way in the back. There are many people at Mass who turn their heads to find out where the noise is coming from.
Since he sits up front I wonder if this has become his standard of living. Does he care? Is he so used to making that noise that he’s not even aware of it? Does Medicaid cover Haldol?
And lastly, I know God would welcome that dude with open arms and He would totally ignore the tic. It just wouldn’t bother Him.
So I am left hoping that God will have mercy and He will tolerate my Converse low tops and the sarcastic black cloud that continually hangs over my head.
First :)
That would annoy me, uncontrollable tic or not. It would be like someone tapping incessantly. I once had to sit through a coaches meeting when the VP of our division gave a speech – he stuttered…really, really stuttered. I felt bad for the guy, but about 5 minutes in, after he completed what I think was his first question, I had had enough. I put my earphones in and listened to the ball game on the radio. I mean, I had forgotten the point of his FIRST sentence, since it took him forever to get through each word.
Now, God bless him for trying, but if I was, oh, I dunno, blind, I wouldn’t insist on driving the car. If you stutter that badly, perhaps you should avoid public speaking.
As for “tic guy”, he might want to sit at the very back so as not to annoy anyone.
I hear you, Steve, on working within one’s own abilities. Speaking publicly with a horrendous stutter is certainly not setting one’s self up for success. And I, too, would not attempt to drive if I were blind.
However, I do think in this instance it’s beyond the dude’s control and yet I think he’s just trying to live life in general. I mean, he’s not one of the lectors delivering that week’s reading.
He’s just trying to listen to the Word, you know? I don’t know, I’m still conflicted. The spirit is willing, my conscience is weak.
I want to be understanding and all, but it would just drive me NUTS. I’d have to move, CG. Old dude and his clicky teeth ain’t goin’ nowhere–he’s oblivious to his sounds. And he isn’t going to switch seats–he’s OLD, dammit. “I ain’t movin’ fer nuthin’!” Can’t you just hear it? Yeah, I can and it’s my grandpa’s voice. Best bet? Move. And go behind him and to the side. Perhaps you can see who’s doing it then.
And this would be why I cannot attend church anymore. The message is just so freaking boring that I end up watching others or thinking of other things. Not the point, I guess, so I don’t go.
Gotta laugh at “his clicky teeth.” And I’m totally with you on the chances of him moving — a snowball’s chance as it were. The funny thing is that I feel the same way!
I don’t wanna move.
I do need to sit behind and to the side, though. Every time I walk up the aisle, though, I’m on auto pilot and I forget to sit behind him.
Oh Cardiogirl! How I love that you own your feelings and try to give the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure that would be annoying. Moreover, I’d be right there with you trying to be understanding and merciful towards the individual, while inwardly wishing the distraction weren’t such an impediment to the worshipful atmosphere of a church service.
It also sounds like a good opportunity to pass on the lesson of compassion to your kids. They would probably think it was a total blast to spend an hour (at home, of course, and not in the middle of church, hee-hee) practicing some sort of tic (perhaps the verbal “kick rocks” or the impulse to sweep the leg) to see how it might feel to be that poor guy. And you might have fun staring at them intensely every time they have their outburst.
Then, I would definitely move. I know it bothers me so much when we are at camp and I end up sitting near a bunch of teenagers or kids who are talking and making side comments during the meetings. Of course, my belief there is that they should be in complete control of those actions.
It does remind me of a fantastic Hallmark movie I watched a year ago, about a man with Tourette’s who went on to become an elementary teacher. Wish I could remember the name. I think I may have even blogged about it.
I do try and I am so hopeful that God sees how hard I try even though I seem to fail regularly. I also try to remind myself that being human puts us all at a disadvantage. All we can do is try.
That movie sounds vaguely familiar, Wendy. I’ll have to Google that and search your blog for your review.
How much do you wanna bet that if one or the other of those fellows “disappeared” and you never heard “tsk, tsk, tsk,” at Mass again, that you would miss it terribly…? I’m almost certain you would.
Nuthin. I’m not taking a bet I’m sure I’ll lose.
I will definitely feel lower than dirt when that guy, and his click, dies.
That sucks. Church can be so peaceful and that would totally ruin it. Like you’ve really gotten into the message that day and the priest asks for the silence and you’re all, wow what a great message and reflecting on it and, tsk, tsk, tsk. Bummer. Can he atleast control it during the silences?
I probably wouldn’t sit in the back either. He’s probably had it all his life and has just learned to accept it. Poor guy. I would feel bad for feeling annoyed and I would move which totally sucks because I feel ya on the same pew stance. My family sat in the same pew for over 50 years at my grandmother’s church.
Sorry for the poor grammer and syntax, I just woke up to the news our house has to be appraised…for the third time. I’m ticked.
Um, that’s a negative.
He cannot and does not control it during quiet moments. And it’s actually loud enough to hear when we are singing, which is when most people look around to identify the sound.
Oh, dear.
For the sake of research you need to sit between them just once to get to the bottom of things. And when the noises started you could just whisper, “I’m sorry, what was that?” as if you thought he was saying something to you. You will either get a glare (meaning he’s aware and doesn’t care), confusion (meaning he’s not even aware), or an apologetic mumble about him not having said anything to you (meaning he’s aware and feels bad).
Or you could confess to your Priest and see if he has any bright ideas.
I don’t know why, but this comment made me think of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when the Aunt (who can’t hear a thing) hears the chattering of the squirrel in the living room.
Hahaha! That is funny. I’m not sure how my comment got you to Christmas Vacation but I’m glad it did!
@Bumbles I like the way your mind works. One of these days I am going to sit in that same row. The trick is getting there right after the first guy so I can be in the middle.
If I have to sit the right or left of both of them it’s still going to be hard to figure it out.
Wouldn’t that be funny to find out the priest finds that the most irritating thing ever and then complained about it to me for 10 minutes?
@Lin I can’t say I’m aware of that scene. I’ll have to Google that.
Isn’t it funny how (most of us) all have our places? I mean, like in church, don’t most people have their regular seats? Maybe this gentleman is hard of hearing and chooses to sit up front so that he can hear the mass? Or just maybe, he has sat there, in that same spot for the last 40 years?
Oh yeah. I was like that in college. It really threw my mojo off if I had to sit in another seat during class, even if it was a huge lecture hall with 200 seats. I wanted to sit in the same area.
Both of those scenarios are very likely and probably the exact reason why he sits there.
I would suggest moving to a different pew in church, but I know how that is. You get used to a spot and it’s very hard to move somewhere else. Especially in a small church.
It is surprising to me how adamant I feel about moving. I really truly want to stay in the same area and the corresponding area on the other side of the altar is booked solid with regulars.
I actually think it would cause an uproar if we sat there. I’m sure I can figure this out, though.
Tough stuff. My first line of defense would be to go sit somewhere far far from them, because I too would find it incredibly annoying – and distracting. But the other thing that I am reminded of is to pray – to pray for them to be aware and stop the behaviour, and to pray for myself to hear beyond the sound. I also have to remember that God loves the fact that they’ve still showed up.
Now – all that sounds so spiritual, but the fact remains – that stuff happening in those situation is freakin’ annoying! And it’s really hard to not be frustrated.
A couple of years ago there was a small group of people that came out to service. Three men in wheel chairs who appeared severely mentally and physically handicapped, with three attendants. Two of the handicapped gentlemen brought their own tambourines – but couldn’t keep a beat if their life depended on it. Needless to say – I found it extremely hard to concentrate, let alone sing along to our worship music. And – Lord please forgive me – I wanted to do serious permanent damage to those darn tambourines. Eventually those folks stopped coming, I always wondered why. Did someone say something to them? Or did they just move on? I will never know. But I do feel your pain.
While we’re talking about others sending us to hell, almost all handicapped people make me extremely uncomfortable. It’s probably my lack of exposure, but I feel awful about it sometimes.
@LJ It is nice to hear that other people are feeling the same way. It’s extremely conflicting to me because we are asked to be patient and understanding. And to treat others the way we would want to be treated.
I really wouldn’t want people on my back about it, especially if it was something I couldn’t control.
@Liz Again, I hear you on that. I feel the same way and try to be cool with it and understanding. I try to give a standard glance and smile, which is what I do in every public situation, but it’s hard not to feel pity and sadness.
I’m wondering if it is really a verbal tic as opposed to a bad habit. My boyfriend occasionally “sucks” on his teeth it drives me nuts but its not all the time and not in public. This guy might be doing something similar. Also, if he has dentures, the noise might be due to him sucking on them or playing with them.
Bottom line you are either going to have wear earplugs, move or get someone to talk to him.
That’s interesting, Buf. I just assumed it had to be something he couldn’t control, rather than an annoying habit.
And I’m telling you right now, if I found out concretely that it was simply an annoying habit I would seethe with fury and I would not worry at all about going to Hell.
Isn’t that funny how the circumstance dictate my response?
I was cracking up reading this. I think you and I would be friends in real life.
I would *have* to know who was making the sound before I could move on into a state of acceptance and eventual ignorance. Of the sound, I mean. Anyway, my strategy would be to move each week in an attempt to triangulate the tsk signal. That would keep me busy for a few weeks at least, then I’d spend the next few weeks working through my feelings about the noise and noisemaker. By then it would be Christmas and I actually enjoy church at Christmas, so I could tune back in.
I don’t think you can beat yourself up over being distracted and/or irritated by this.
I have to agree, Jen. There are so many bloggers who I feel I know and who I think I would really click with in person.
Now the best thing ever — to get sidetracked for a moment — would be to find out a neighbor I really cannot stand (and who cannot stand me either) was one of my blogging buddies.
Can you imagine? That would be so funny and awkward at the same time.
I do enjoy the triangulation theory and when I go to church by myself I am going to employ it. My problem obviously is that I’ve been sitting in front of this dude. I need to pay attention and sit behind him.
Just the thought of finally finding out his identity is comforting, you know? Yes, you do know.
One of my step-nephews has Tourette’s. It is so hard on him. He is in 8th grade now, the throes of puberty, which is the worst time for Tourette’s. It affects his behavior, his emotions, everything – not just ticcing. And the drugs that keep him just barely at functional levels are the same things they give schizophrenics and have miserable side effects.
I’ve heard them compare the ticcing to you having an unbearable itch on your nose that you can’t scratch or people will look at you strangely. And the itch won’t go away. My nephew’s main tic is shrugging one shoulder and dipping his head towards that shoulder while he shrugs. I know another boy who rolls his eyes compulsively. It has made a lot of adults really mad at him, which just makes it worse. When I first taught that little boy at church, I thought, “that looks like a tic, not like he is being disrespectful,” so I pretended I didn’t see it. My attitude towards him was warmer than any other adults and he positively glowed by the end of the hour. He doesn’t understand why adults get so annoyed with him so quickly, even when he is trying so hard to behave.
The little old guy may be tsk-tsk-tsking because it is the only socially appropriate thing he can do in church.
He might also have Parkinson’s or a form of palsy.
That’s the main reason why I feel so bad for feeling this way. I know Tourette’s is a terrible disease and has to be devastating for the person who has it.
old guy? i would move my seat. i hate being disturbed by noise, candy wrappers, and people who think they are whispering when i’m trying to listen to someone speak. my tolerance level is really low. sometimes i’ll give them the head turn, the over the shoulder look to shut up or i will look really annoyed. one time a lady had a screaming baby, i got up, asked for her kid so i could take her out and calm her down. she gave her to me too. didn’t know me from eve.
Really that’s what I have to do. I just don’t want to.
I actually uttered, out loud, when I read about the baby, “No way!” That’s so crazy. I guess you’re the baby whisperer of NJ.
WOW….I can’t believe that lady actually gave her baby to you…lol Only in NJ. Was it in church? For some reason, I assumed so and I guess you might automatically trust someone in a church setting more than in any other setting. I’m also imaging that you had this really pissed off look on your face and you probably intimidated/scared the crap out of the lady so much that she just gave you her kid…lol
Isn’t that crazy that she gave up her baby? I don’t trust anyone, even my fellow parishioners. Yeah, I got trust issues. At our last church, however, someone’s purse was stolen DURING COMMUNION! That was the church with the asshole priest, you may recall.
yep it was and she did. people even came up to me afterward and thanked me for taking the kid out. LOL.
we are a very trusting people and i’m more likely to steal a purse than a baby.
I’m sure the guy is aware that he makes the noise, just probably not as often as he does. I read today’s post (9/8) so I know it’s not yellow cardigan or salt & pepper, LOL.
My SIL makes a noise like a pig oinking. Not LOUD, but loud enough to notice if you’re having a regular conversation with her. I’ve never brought it up to her, but she does it about every 15 minutes.
I would just change seats or try to sit behind the Tsker so his noise is going in a different direction than my ears.
I would have to ask your brother about the noise your SIL makes. Does he hear it and does it bother him or does she just do it to you to see if you’ll say anything. And man do I want to hear her talk for two minutes.
[...] have confirmed the identity of the guy with the tic. I have metaphorically put my hand into the wound on his side and have inspected the nail holes in [...]