Today’s four-letter word is brought to you by a student at my kid’s school
I’ve got a riddle for you. What’s white, travels in really, really small clusters and sticks to everything in sight before giving up the ghost?
No, it’s not teeny, tiny white Styrofoam packaging beads. But that really is an excellent guess, if I do say so myself.
Those suckers live on static electricity, don’t they? Like Visa they tend to be everywhere you want to be. But that is not the correct answer.
The correct answer, boys and girls, is lice.
Yes, lice.
That’s like a rotten piece of meat teeming with maggots dropped in the middle of Thanksgiving Day dinner, right there next to the sweet potatoes and ambrosia.
Yesterday my 9-year-old climbed into the Mystery Mobile after school and excitedly announced that both her teacher and the school secretary scoured her head earlier that day checking for head lice. “Look! Here’s a note from the principal!” she said as she handed it over.
That seriously made my mind go blank for a minute. No thoughts, no mental processing, no breath or heartbeat if not for the autonomic nervous system. And then all systems were go. “WHAT?! LICE?! WHAT?!”
She actually thought that was funny. Normally I would have been proud of the fact that I made my kid laugh spontaneously but I wasn’t shooting for laughter.
Turns out the Lice Invasion of 2009 is, somehow, confined to the third and fourth grades. Before you ask, I don’t know. I do not know why the kids in second and fifth, who have classrooms right next to the third and fourth graders, get a pass. And what about all of the other students — up to eighth grade? Don’t know.
I do know that I have three kids who go to that school who share hats, headbands and pillows. God I hope we do not get lice.
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Lord I will truly stop using You as a foil to garner chuckles in my blog posts if You spare us from getting lice. I’m serious.
It’s gonna be hard to stop using You in that way, but I am willing to make the sacrifice.
Amen.
GAH! Just saying the word makes me itch. Everywhere, not just on my head. So for the next, I don’t know, rest of eternity I have to dig through my kid’s head to catch any rogue varmints thinking about moving into Cardiogirl Manor.
Naturally they all took a shower last night, one by one, as I scratched and batted at invisible creepy crawlies on my skin. And then I almost fainted dead away, when my 9-year-old explained step-by-step how she took care of her noggin.
She told me how she washed her hair twice with shampoo and rinsed very well. Cobra Kai, grasshopper.
She applied conditioner twice, rinsed very well and then dried her hair with a towel. Still walkin’ on sunshine.
And then she used MY pick and MY FINE-TOOTH COMB to brush her potentially lice-infested hair!!
I am not exaggerating when I say it took everything I had to keep my mouth from dropping open and screaming. My eyes did widen as I said, “Um, that’s good. Good. Bend over, let me check your head.”
So I don’t know where this actually leaves us. I did find a post that gave detailed directions on how to prevent and remove lice. Thank you Moxie.
And I was not aware that “lice can more easily crawl to another head if the hair is loose. Girls with long hair should keep it up in a bun.” (Pauses as she uses 63 bobby pins to tame her ponytail into the size of a small dinner roll.)
My imagination, as you may have guessed, is an Olympic gold medalist in track and field. I don’t want to have to wash every piece of cloth in this house in hot water.
I do not want to walk around wearing a fanny pack filled with bottles of rubbing alcohol and Clorox wipes. It’s going to be a long year, folks.
On the upside, I will admit that the second thought I had, after I yelled, “WHAT?! LICE?! WHAT?!” was “I know exactly what I’m blogging about tomorrow.”
More lemonade anyone?
Tags: Things that make me anxious, Things that make me cringe
Ugh, the amount of WORK involved in getting rid of these beasts! We never had them, although my hairdresser gave me a false alarm once and mistook hairspray clumps on my hair as lice nits and sent me home in a freaky panic. After I washed everything fabric in my house in HOT water, I later called her boss to complain that she couldn’t identify lice Yes, I still go to her to have my hair cut–I wonder how she didn’t shave my head after that. I think we are even if you ask me.
sniff. sniff. Do I smell citronella?
I would be so pissed off at your hairdresser if I were you. Didn’t you think it was odd that your head didn’t itch incessantly?
Hmm…each year my kids’ school has that “lice” warning go out. Treatment for my son would be simple – buzz cut. If the infestation was bad enough, even my daughter would get some hair lopped off. All those treatments Moxie listed seem more trouble than they are worth.
What?! EACH YEAR?
I’ve never received that warning and my oldest kid is 9.
Well, almost each year. But yeah, it’s really common. I mean, a study done in 2008 showed that the infestation rate in school children in urban areas was something like 6.6 for every 1,000 and in rural areas almost 17 per 1,000. So, if you go to a mall and walk past several hundred children, there’s a good chance one or more had lice :)
Enjoy your day. :)
Sorry – here’s the link to the study: http://www.umsha.ac.ir/jrhs/Upload/8-%20Zahirniait.pdf
I’m so surprised by that, mostly because the possibility of a lice infestation had not hit my radar before Thursday.
And it’s never been mentioned by the school since my oldest kid started preschool six years ago.
Jeeeeze now I’m itching!
It is crazy how your mind can manufacture the itch. I do have some nasty eczema but not on my head. And that’s what’s itching every time I say or think the word lice.
There are worse things in life, you know… :D
Yeah, I know. But relatively speaking, this is the worst thing right now. That’s a Catch-22, isn’t it? I’m happy that it’s the worst thing, but I still don’t want to deal with it.
I remember getting checked several times a year in elementary school. It was a constant concern at my school. My sister and I stayed lice free the entire 7 years each.
Contain your awesome ponytail by twisting it into an old school scrunchie. Using those are the easiest way I could keep my hair in my bun.
My only experience is with fleas. They follow the same everywhere protocol though. I’m guessing you can’t spray the kids’ bedsheets in pesticides.
I’m telling you Liz, I never, ever was checked for lice at school or at home. I might be blocking a repressed memory, but this has never been an issue I’ve ever run into.
A scrunchy you say…
My sister and I attended a very rural elementary school. And mostly very poor. i.e. Getting a new pair of tennis shoes was considered a normal Christmas for a lot of kids. I thought I wasn’t special because I didn’t get to go in the free lunch line.
Seriously, scrunchies. Unattractive, but extremely effective. Twist and twirl ponytail into bun and wrap scrunchie around the base tightly. No bobby pins needs. I was late for dance a lot.
Yu-uuuuuk. Glad you made it okay.
I’ll have to try that with my kids, too.
We had some great teachers, it was cool little school minus the principal reading Psalm 23 every week before the pledge. That was a little heavy.
Oh, I’m so glad, at least where lice is concerned (”are” concerned? ), that I have one child. One. Only one.
WikiAnswers so kindly informed me that lice is plural, louse is singular.
I guess I’d still be screwed even if I only had one kid since it’s my oldest kid who’s battling the White Storm.
OMG OMG OMG.
Your prayer = best ever, and I am totally considering using it.
Thanks Swistle! I’m already trying to come up with a backpedaling excuse for why I’m not going to come through on that vow if we do make it out of this unscathed.
I’m think Elizabeth Kubler-Ross can help me out on that one.
We have managed to escape the beast known as lice. Thankfully I have boys and would just buzz them all, including my 10 year old who has a long mop of hair. I always get the hee bee jeebies when I find them on a patient. Parents actually bring their kids in for an appt to have me check for lice! Whatever, just hand over the copay.
I hadn’t thought about your increased risk of getting it, since you see patients with eggs coming out of their ears. Or something like that.
I guess those would be the neurotic patients who pay to have you do a lice check, right?
“(Pauses as she uses 63 bobby pins to tame her ponytail into the size of a small dinner roll.)”
HAHAHAHA!
When did lice all of the sudden become a problem? I don’t ever remember lice outbreaks or exams when I was a kid. Who started it? I want names.
No shit, man — my thoughts exactly. I have no memory of this being a problem, much less something that was ever mentioned in my house.
And I do want the name of the kid who has the confirmed case.
(Furiously scratching my head, arms and torso.)
DAMN YOU, CARDIOGIRL!!
(Shakes fist at sky, resumes scratching. . .)
I know. But if I have to be held hostage by my over-active imagination so do you.
Now let’s get back to the matter at hand. If you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours.
i would pull out my mat, but my back hurts. a salute will have to do.
this was funny, cg. i love that you freak out in your head, but your kids don’t know it…or maybe they do.
(Pauses as she uses 63 bobby pins to tame her ponytail into the size of a small dinner roll.) FUNNY!!!!
And then she used MY pick and MY FINE-TOOTH COMB to brush her potentially lice-infested hair!!
now did you throw the pick and comb out or did you boil them in water?
It would be interesting to ask my kids if they think I flip out regularly or if they’re unaware. I do feel like I keep it all inside, though I realize I have no poker face whatsoever.
As to the pick and comb, I swabbed those suckers with rubbing alcohol. Unfortunately I didn’t have enough to fill a tall glass to let them soak like they so at the hair salon, but I’m going to see if Costco sells rubbing alcohol by the case.
Yeah, I want to know what you did with the pick and comb, too. On the first day of school we got a letter from the school nurse about various health issues and on the bottom it said that “lice are an inevitable part of kindergarten”. Inevitable? Really?
They got a liberal dose of alcohol, but I’m considering getting some kerosene as well.
That’s absolutely crazy, Karen. INEVITABLE? Yeah, something is definitely wrong with that sentence.
CG –
I can just see trying sooooo hard not to totally flip out in front of your kids. :) My mom is a school nurse and for awhile was the nurse for 6 different schools (1 day a week at 5 of the schools and on constant call to the 6th), so as I got older, I would hear more and more stories about lice and her having to do lice checks on kids. I think I remember one lice scare when I was in grade school but it wasn’t a constant thing. Btw, we never got lice ourselves.
[...] don’t let that be her handwriting. I now have to pray to Neptune, since I made a bargain with God over the Lice Invasion of 2009. I said I’d stop using him for chuckles in my post. And just for the record, this reference [...]
My daughter got them this year. We are a CLEAN upper middle class family & our children attend the best school in the area. They are head checked a few times a year in class (and I recall being head checked at least 2 times a year as a kid in school too – I’m 36 now). They came from somewhere…another student, a child on the playground…anyone can get them. They are gross & tenacious…but you deal.
[...] A few weeks ago I struck a deal with You. I said if my kid escaped the Lice Invasion of 2009 I would stop using You for comedic effect on this blog. Well, here’s exactly what I said: Lord I will truly stop using You as a foil to garner chuckles in my blog posts if You spare us from getting lice. I’m serious. [...]