Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun

By now my regulars know I’ve entered into parts unknown as I negotiate The Great American Novel. This really has been a good exercise for me in more ways than one.

It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and it has forced me to be accountable to other people. While that feels like peer pressure dressed up in a suit and tie it’s still motivating me to reach my goal.

But more than anything, it has shown me how to break down the process of a daunting task into smaller, more manageable pieces.

And Agent P is still next to me — sitting on top of the desk, swinging her legs back and forth — just waiting to pounce on my internal nay sayers.

Now as I’ve embarked upon this journey I’ve found it to be similar (I imagine) to attempting to wrestle an alligator. And if you can believe this, there’s an eHow article on How to Wrestle an Alligator for the armchair enthusiasts out there thinking about wowing friends and family with a new-found talent gleaned from the internet.

Here’s my modified breakdown of How to Wrestle NaNoWriMo where writing 50,000 words in 30 days is the alligator and I am the wild-eyed fool sneaking up behind it.

Step 1

Practice holding a small alligator first. Get used to writing posts on your blog. The self-imposed schedule of writing daily or 3-5 times weekly will help you prepare for the larger writing project.

Then move up to a larger alligator when your instructor has taped its mouth shut. This will lessen the chances of being bitten. Sign up for NaNo in October. Many have gone before you and have virtually taped the jaws closed. Having a guideline to work with will lesson your chances of being reduced to a bloody pulp.

Step 2

Approach from directly behind the alligator. Alligators have peripheral vision, so if you come from behind they can’t see you. This one is scary. You’re taking it on faith that you will not be killed as long as you move slowly within the sweet spot just outside of its vision. Add the NaNo Participant badge to your blog.

Truffle around other people’s profiles; see what’s out there.

Grab the tail and practice dragging the alligator. Equally freaky is the thought of touching the scaly tail and then pulling that mofo around.

Those effers can violently swing their bodies left and right. I saw countless episodes of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom as a kid. I know what I saw.

Soldier on — participate in some forum chit chat, add some writing buddies.

Step 3

Sit on the alligator quickly and work your way to its head. With downward pressure on the head you will remove the tape. This difficult task could take about one month of practice. Personalize your NaNo profile — add a picture, fill in some personal info and step into the forums. Find your region and introduce yourself.

Create a loose outline before November 1st — that’s sort of like wearing protective leather gloves before you get near the gator’s mouth.

Risk takers will shun the outline and gloves alike. Godspeed if you’re going in with bare hands.

Open your empty word processing file and save it as NaNoWriMo Work In Process. That sucker is living and breathing now — its jaws are open and unrestrained.

Step 4

Master the tape removal and move to the next step. Tapping the alligator on the nose will make it open its mouth. When it opens wide, stick your hand in and pull it out immediately before the alligator shuts its mouth. Spectators love this stunt. Pour a cup of hot coffee and hunker down. You’re in it baby and it doesn’t like it when a mere mortal smacks its nose.

And you are going to feel its hot breath on your meaty paws. Stock up on band aids and hydrogen peroxide.

Step 5

Jumping on the alligator from behind and pulling back on its head is another trick alligator wrestlers do. But you must straddle the alligator and pull back right away or it could roll and bite the trainee in the face or chest.
This piece is really freaky. You’re in it deep and at the point of no return.

Once you feel its body wriggling between your legs and see its eyes coming at you, you’re going to wonder what the hell you were thinking when you were sipping coffee on the couch back in October contemplating this adventure.

It’s a wild animal — most people don’t walk up to gators and provoke them. They might talk big tales about it, but when push comes to shove they’re sitting inside two tons of Land Rover steel egging you on.

Step 6 or When you emerge from the swamp

On November 30 if you walk out intact with four limbs and two eyes you have hella bragging rights. If so, your tale of intrigue should get larger by the week. You’ve more than earned the right to embellish.

As we all know, alligators are scary, violent creatures. If you stepped into the swamp and walked out missing an arm or with just one eye there’s no shame. Remember your buddy in the Land Rover? There’s gas in the car and he can get you to the ER in no time flat.

And rumor has it that hooks and eye patches are coming back big in 2010.

Tags: Things that are fun!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 at 5:47 am and is filed under Humor, Observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.