The book of questions, Volume 67
Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts.
Today’s question comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.
And here it is, Question 154.
Do you judge others by higher or lower standards than you use to judge yourself?
Lower.*
Isn’t this awesome? I finally figured out how to have my cake and eat it too! I told you just once I wanted to give a one-word answer.
I cut other people tons o’ slack. I have no problem doing that and I don’t feel like I’m giving them a free pass. I feel like I’m being compassionate toward them.
Now compassion toward myself is not so easily achieved. But I am working on that; I have Agent P on the case but she just got here a few days ago. I really do expect myself to figure out how to be an expert and when that does not happen, I call myself lazy and unmotivated. Many times I do believe if I tried hard enough I could do it easily.
That’s an interesting contradiction — if I work hard it will be easy.
Example: I am not into preparing food. I don’t care for cooking and that’s semi-problematic since I have three kids. Dinner is frequently something frozen that was heated in the oven. Or something from the refrigerator or cupboard that was heated in the microwave.
I want to throw out cut vegetables and ranch dip on the dining room table when they start clamoring for dinner and I fumble in the kitchen, but I’ve only done that twice in the last six weeks. Not surprisingly, when I do that they eat it.
It’s almost like opening a can of wet cat food for a gaggle of hungry kittens. They see it, they are drawn to it and they eat it.
This really is a planning/organizing issue that has a simple solution. If I were to create a loose menu guide I would know what to make on a Tuesday night at 5:17 pm. I’ve taken steps in that direction and occasionally I hit the mark. But not often.
Mr. C is pretty solid on feeding the kids, though.
Now if I were talking to a friend who told me this same thing, I would empathize with her and I would tell her that she’s not a bad mother, she just needs a little help in that area.
I would suggest that she talk to her mother-in-law to get some tips. I would also tell her that asking for help is not a sign of complete and utter failure.
Lastly I would tell her to start treating herself the way she treats her friends — with understanding and compassion.
*Highlight text to see just how clever this chick really is.
Tags: Things that are fun!
Probably lower as well. I mean, that way you aren’t surprised when and if they disappoint you :)
That’s interesting, Steve. I never correlated my expectations of them in relation to me.
I’m just going to fess up. We’re in the trust tree here, right?
I am so judgmental. I just don’t understand why people live their lives the way they do. Okay, I’m thinking mostly of my family. And if they weren’t so judgmental of the way I do things maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to criticize their way of living. Either way, I just am. I ain’t even gonna lie.
And NO I’m not going to forgive you just because you’re family. That’s taken me years.
I understand cultural, racial or regional difference among others, mostly. Like I dated this Catholic guy in college who was loooooaded, trust fund loaded and I knew of two Catholics growing up. We disagreed on just about everything except beer and Georgia football. So I understood where he was coming from, but still thought he was a privileged prick.
I love the idea of a trust tree! Never heard that one before. Yes, our bitchin’ clubhouse is smack dab in the center of the trust tree.
It seems like a lot of money can make an asshole out of anyone, you know?
I can’t take full credit. The trust tree is in the movie “Old School.”
Word.
Well, I’m givin’ you full credit since you alerted me to it. Um, credit by osmosis or something?
Loved your invisibility trick. My expectations of others aren’t too high, but … could you work on that trick to make it apply to people now! I could really do with a device to make myself invisible when the minions have said my name a million times and interrupted every productive moment I might have!
I’m with you on the cooking disability. I love to bake, but put me in charge of regularly scheduled meals and I would often opt for fast food (something my husband has trimmed down to almost non-existent, since we moved here). I can cook. I used to cook, back when we were first married. I think part of it is that every member of my family has such particular demands. My husband balks if I make things with too much fat content and my kids balk if I make anything that resembles a casserole or anything they have never eaten before – which limits things significantly. There are a few meals that hubby requests regularly and I acquiese – my broccoli casserole and the salmon wellington. Then, he and I eat that, while the kids have chicken nuggets, carrots and fruit or something.
Thankfully, most of the time, my husband jumps in and does the evening cooking. Still, we don’t very often eat meals like other people – we’re not sitting down to baked chicken or meat and potatoes fare. We make do with prepared salads, fresh fruits and veggies and the occasional turkey loaf.
I wonder if people with high expectations on themselves, by nature have higher than usual expectations of others. I think this would be true of my husband. He regularly bemoans the fact that our children don’t live up to his expectations and I try to remind him that they are merely being children when they don’t naturally put something away after they use it. Now I just have to figure out an excuse for why I don’t naturally put something away after I use it.
Because when you don’t put it back, you always know where it is. :-)
Don’t you hate when you finally manage to put something up and then you need it again two hours later. I hate trying to be tidy. But I keep trying.
It sounds like y’all need some crockpots. I’m gonna have a cut with your fork roast at 6 or 7 or 8 or…
@Wendy That would be great to have an invisibility stick around the kids. Even if it only lasted for 15 minutes. Sometimes if I could just have 15 more minutes I could get something done.
@Angelika Ugh, we could never be roommates.
@Liz What? A cut with your fork roast? Believe it or not, I do have a crockpot, I barely use it, though. I need to pull that thing out, especially now that fall is here.
Yeah, as in the meat is so tender you can cut it with a fork.
I use my crockpot all. the. time. Especially on the weekends. I’ll try and remember to post some recipes on my blog. I buy Cream of Mushroom soup in bulk.
Ohhh. I think hyphens would have helped me out here. Cut-with-your-fork roast lets me know it’s a roast that allows one to, well, cut it with a fork.
I’ve experienced those occasionally and they are delish. I’m looking forward to your recipes. That cream of mushroom is a tricky bastard. I hate ’shrooms but that soup tends to be in a lot of stuff I like.
Lower.
I barely meet the standards I set for myself, it’s not fair to expect it of other people.
(smiles) Sounds like you’re a realist.
Oh, I am very, very harsh with myself, and I’m pretty harsh with other people.
So, I’m probably harsher on myself. My father recently couldn’t make it to a show of mine, even though he was out East, here. He’d just had hernia surgery, and physically could not make that extra trip to NYC from Philadelphia. He freaked out. I told him, “I’d rather you be healthy,” and asked him not to worry about it. He still beat the hell out of himself.
Gee, I wonder where I got that trait from? :P
I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
Oooh, you so tech-y with your invisible ink!
I’m definitely harder on myself than I am on others. And so what if you don’t cook? Not everyone cooks. I don’t cook OR clean. It’s just who I am. (But I still feel guilty . . . about not cleaning).
Speaking of not cleaning, I vacuumed today!
How’s your vacuuming situation, LOL?
@JD Yeah! Invisible ink, I like that! Yeah, I’m sketchy on cleaning, too. I wish I had a maid.
@Angelika Way to clean it! I have some stuff that could use vacuuming over here.
I’m very self orientated, so I rarely pay attention to other people, let alone judge them. :D
I don’t tend to be judgemental though. I try not to be, and remember that everyone is doing the best they have with what they’ve got. Whether I perceive that as more or less is another matter. :)
That’s interesting. I think I pay too much attention to other people. There’s probably some interesting self discovery in the statement but I’m too tired to figure that out right now.
i like this solomon
“everyone is doing the best they have with what they’ve got ”
that’s true, although some family members tend to be very judgmental of me. i bust my arse sometimes and i hear more of what i’m not doing or what i should be doing. i struggle with things, i fluck up but i don’t walk on water. i am trying. acknowledge that dammit or offer help!
okay well that felt better. thanks for the vent box.
Yeah, those people who judge harshly are not cool. I find, many times, those folks have a lot of junk in their own backyard that needs some attention.
They can’t handle all the junk in their own back yard, so they look at everyone else’s junk, because they don’t feel so bad about that.
“More to be pitied than blamed” as my gran would say.
The way I look at it, is that if I like you, you’re fabulous, if I dislike you, you are hideous, and if I don’t know you, I don’t care about you. :D
I work on a sliding scale: I tend to judge people who’ve had more advantages in life more harshly than those who haven’t. And maybe that’s unfair: lack of economic/educational opportunity doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be as good a person as someone who *has* had it — I just think people who have oughta know better.
But you know who I’m categorically judgmental of? OPENLY JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE. This explains my severe allergic reaction to religious fundamentalism of any stripe and most talk radio.
DINNERTIME — now THERE’S a household bugaboo. In our house, not only am I the only one who (grudgingly) cooks, I’m the only one with an opinion about what sounds good for dinner. Typical 4pm phone call:
Me: “So whaddya feel like for dinner tonight?”
Mike: “Oh, I don’t care. Whatever you’re in the mood for.”
Me: “Again? Five years together, and you still have yet to have a SINGLE IDEA for what we might have for dinner?”
Mike: “It’s just no big deal to me. Whatever you make is fine.”
Me: (Head spins off and flies around room.)
After much ridiculous wrangling, we’ve finally reached a solution for this that doesn’t involve me throwing sandwiches at the table and stomping off in disgust, and I have no idea how you East Coast non-cooks do it, because my dinner-time savior is Trader Joe’s. Every two weeks, we go in and stock up on pre-seasoned entrees, boxed or frozen sides, and lotsa fresh or frozen veggies. It’s all natural or even certified organic, the prices are bizarrely good, and an hour or so in the oven later, we’ve got something on the table that looks like I spent a week menu-planning and half a day cooking. (Trader Joe’s, I’d marry you if I could, but I’m pretty sure the Mormon Church would lobby hard against that too.)
Your answer has caused me to realize something about myself — I’m a black and white thinker all the way around. You have shades of gray on your judgment whereas I look as everyone else as a whole.
I guess that’s not a huge revelation for me or for anyone who’s read more than three of my posts. Yeah, those fundies tend to be hypocritical and yet they never seem to see the obvious — treat others as you would like to be treated.
Hey, I have a Trader Joe’s within walking distance from my house — literally six blocks away. I always considered them hoity-toity and expensive, but if they’re just affordable hoity-toity I’m down with that.
You’ve got a Trader Joe’s within walking distance and you DON’T SHOP THERE?
Girl, there are some nights the only thing standing between me and almost-divorce is a feeds-four, pop-it-in-the-microwave, $5 Trader Joe’s turkey meatloaf. ;-)
Feeds four for $5? Sounds like I gotta get over there posthaste.
Side note: I have no idea why Akismet keeps snagging you into the moderation cue. I’ve docked his pay, I’ve had the Come to Jesus talk with him and I’m not quite sure what to do next.
You haven’t used any of the black listed words or names so I don’t know why he doesn’t like you. Ohhhh. As my mother as used to tell me, she’s just jealous of you. That’s why she doesn’t like you.
Guess Akismet is just jealous of you.
My personal view is Akismet wrote a bad check at Trader Joe’s and Joe hung it up on the register for everyone to see, and here I go all “TRADER JOE’S! TRADER JOE’S! TRADER JOE’S” in my comments.
Bout to find out if I’m right in three, two. . .
Well, well, well. It looks like TJ did kite some checks after all.
That.
Is strange.
Ohhhhhhh. It is the word J0e. That is exactly what is going on. Very clever Holmes.
Try Defensio instead. It has pretty graphs and stats and everything.
[I will now stop temping you with the apple of stats. :D Or something. I kinda messed that analogy up, huh?]
I don’t like it, but I tend to be critical of all, but in varying degrees of how much I know you. And yet, even as I write this I’m being very critical of my assumptions of knowledge of others. Sucks to be me.
I have a crush on your effervescent honesty. Goes down like warm cocoa on a cold afternoon.
@LJ you’re like an Escher print. I’m trying to figure out if you know me well enough for me to let you down or if we’re casual enough that I’m still doing okay.
@Tracy I wanna be effervescent, too!
Cardio – you have my full and unabashed approval. You’ve never disappointed me.
Tracy – I love being effervescent. I don’t even know you and I like you.
Wow, LJ! I’m thrilled and a tiny bit intimidated now. But I shall soldier on with Agent P at my side. I’m fabulous, dammit.
I WANT to say that I don’t judge people. But since I’m still working on LIKING people in general, well, I guess I’d have to honestly say that I judge “lower” in most cases. Judging “higher” makes me afraid to speak. Can’t have that.
And why is there a big blank space after your “Lower. * ” ?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME??
Les, haven’t you had your coffee yet today? It’s invisible ink. Just highlight the post and all will be revealed.
I can’t believe I got you with that one.
And I can’t believe I didn’t notice “*Highlight the text.” Duh.
i’m with angelika…i don’t meet my own standards and they are probably low enough for people to step over them and me. okay not that low, but i always give people a pass, BUT i do judge if they live in a messy house.
oh yes, that was a cool trick. i read your post on my hand held first and thought it was frozen because the words were gone. so i refreshed, nothing. then i switched computers and tada.
(laughs) I like your hierarchy. You’d faint if you saw my kitchen this month and on every third day of every other month.
Sweet! I got through Level One on your hand held!
Interesting. That you hold others to a lower standard, that is.The old low expectations lead to less disappointment trick?
I try not to be judgmental. With people who have been screwing the same damn thing up for years, like going out with the same kind of losers who beat them for instance, or smoking outside the cancer treatment clinic they are attending, I have no mercy. Wake up! Smell the coffee!
You know, Tim, it actually has nothing to do with that — leading to less disappointment. It’s really that I cut everyone else more slack than I do myself. Sometimes, when I think of my own situations as if I were thinking of someone else I can cut myself a bit of slack.
However, I tend to feel that I have not tried hard enough if I don’t reach my goal.
I do think there’s a difference between judgment and empathy/sympathy. In terms of the smokers I don’t feel a lot of empathy/sympathy; A is usually going to lead to B.
However in terms of judging that person I do feel like everyone makes their own choices. What works for me may not work for you; live and let live and all that jazz.
Now if someone is going door-to-door in an attempt to get me to contribute to the chemo treatments I’m gonna take a pass and mutter, “Dumbass” under my breath. I try not to judge until someone is trying to throw their shit on me.
I’m much harder on myself. Than my family. Than everyone else. We live in a world where entitlement runs rampant, but I definitely fall on the opposite side of the tracks.
Except when I’m driving. Then all else flies out the window.
FYI:
Just wanted to let you know that we’ve moved to: http://www.theguysperspective.com/theguysblog
For Blogrolls and such.
We’re still in the process of tweaking the look and design of our site, but we’re happy to be operating under our own domain!
Take care and have a great day!
Funny how driving a car sort of changes everything. I feel the same way.
Congrats on your own domain name. I totally felt like I had arrived, jack, when I moved from Diaryland to my own domain. Although I was furious that someone else had my name with a dot com.
And, AND, at the time it was a static page holding the name. Effers. I did call the guy and tried to negotiate him out of it because back then he had it static like that for two or three years. He didn’t bite. Effer.
Hola CG,
I always judge folks by a lower standard than I judge myself. In general I am very anal and have learned through some very painful situations that most folk are unable to live up to my insane expectations. People have a tendency to let you down (so cynical I know) however when someone actually surpasses my expectations it’s like an added bonus.
You know it’s interesting but reading your comment made me realize I try not to rely on anyone else. If there are no expectations there’s no let down. I guess that’s just as cynical, eh? We’re sorta like the yin and semi-yang of expectations, but not really because it’s the same with a twist not the opposite.
I guess it’s more like being second cousins of expectations. Or something. I think you know what I mean.
Cardio Girl – thanks for your interest (and exuberance) over the ornament! I think you have my email captured here, so please send me your snail mail address and any colour preference you may have. I’m excited to be able to send something to you.
I am jacked LJ. I will admit I went back and pushed dlr’s face in it. I couldn’t help myself finding out I beat him by a mere 8 minutes. I am a sore winner and I apologize. My competitive streak totally took over and I was thrilled to slide in under the wire.
I’m off to email you now!