The book of questions, Volume 66
Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts.
Today’s question comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.
And here it is, Question 174.
How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends to you feel will still be important to you ten years from now?
Hmm, I would say a scant handful. I can think of three people — Karen, Tonya and Carmen — and they are listed chronologically. We talked about Karen, Purveyor of All That is Good and Fun, on Wednesday. We must have been friends for at least 30 years. I told you it’s sketchy for me whether we met in fourth or sixth grade, so I’m going to split the difference and assume we were around 10.
Fun fact about Karen which was more of a fun fact for me, but which sucked for her. Sorry about that Karen. Karen went to college in California her freshman year. She might have gone there her sophomore year as well, but by the time she was a junior she’d come back to Michigan and finished up at U of M.
Anyway in California she lived with her grandma and the relationship was, uh, strained. And so she became Karen With the Grandma Who Hates Her when I talked about her to my friends at college. She sort of became the Bob Saccamano to my Kramer, only I’m not nearly as tall as Kramer and my hair is not as fuzzy.
I met Tonya my freshman year of college through sheer luck and serendipity. We both roomed blind which meant we threw caution to the wind and let fate decide who our roommate(s) would be.
We were thrown in a room with a third chick who turned out to hate my guts. I’m still not positive why but legend has it that Tonya actually talked that chick into staying in our room the entire year.
She wanted to move out after the first term ended. Wow.
So we met when we were 18 and our birthdays are one week apart and are never jacked up by Leap Year. Isn’t that awesome? If her birthday is on Saturday, my birthday is on Saturday.
She’s a week older than me so her birthday dictates the day of the week. We’re both Aquarius (Aquari?) and our birthdays are on Monday next year, just in case you wondered.
Completing my friendship trifecta is Carmen. I met her in college as well, but I think we were seniors. I’m pretty sure we met at The State News which is the award-winning student newspaper at Michigan State. It’s online now and I can’t even imagine what working there would be like (dusts off her fedora with the sign that says “Press” on the front.)
Anyway, we seemed to hit it off right away and the vines of fate intertwined our lives long after we graduated from college. I met Mr. C in May of 1993 and Carmen got married in September of 1993. I was invited to the wedding, naturally, and I invited Mr. C to come with me.
A lot was resting on that date and I was really looking forward to it. So I wowed him by dressing up and slapping on a little lipstick. Off we went to the wedding and soon after we walked into the reception hall, Mr. C’s eyes lit up in surprise and recognition as he hugged a short, middle-aged woman.
That woman was his Aunt Mary Lou. And she was a teacher at the same school where Carmen’s mother was the principal. And as a child, Carmen was pen pals with Mr. C’s sister. How wild is that?
She gave me advice on how to reel Mr. C in and the rest is history.
Ours is a long distance friendship which seems impervious to space and time. Like a quilt I’m working on, I can set that friendship down mid-stitch with the needle secured in the fabric for a year or two at a time and then start stitching right where I left off. I don’t know how or why that’s possible, but it is and I really value that.
Those three are charter members of the East Coast Soljahs* and I am positive we will be friends for the rest of my life.
Viva la Soljahs!
*I just made that gang name up. Well, I went to GangNames.net and used their random gang name generator. It was between Nuclear Gang and East Coast Soljahs and you know which one I went with.
It’s fun because we don’t have a name like that at all. In fact those three don’t really know each other. They know of each other, I think, but they don’t hang together.
Tags: Things that actually make me happy
It’s Aquariuses. :)
I only have one friendship that’s lasted more than 10 years. I tend to think that some people come into your life to show you something, or whatever, about yourself, and then they go on their way when their job is done. I don’t miss having lots of long term friendships, because those that have lasted have been worth keeping, unlike those that fell by the wayside.
Solomon, I can always count on you to figure this stuff out for me. Many thanks, chap!
I agree with that — I’ve had a few friends who’ve popped in, had fun and moseyed along. I wonder if I’ve ever been that person for someone else.
I wonder if I’ve ever been that person for someone else.
Very probably. Firstly there’s the issue of the other person realising, then there’s the issue of them realising in time, and finally there’s the issue of them saying something. It’s more than likely that you’ve been “that person” for someone else, I think. It’s just that you haven’t found out. :)
Wouldn’t that be cool on your 50th birthday to learn about five times (one for each decade) when you were that person? Man that sounds like an interesting premise for a book.
NaNo on the brain again.
I have 2 friends who date back from middle school, 35 years now. One is a friend who migrated to the USA in 1984, and now lives in London. But, the friendship is as it always was. I just don’t feel the distance. Of course, internet and cheap call rates have made it possible to be in touch on a daily or weekly basis. The other school friend lives in town only, but I think I end up meeting my friend in London more than him.
Some of my other close friendships go back 15 years or more. But, the last few years and the turmoil in my life has taken a toll on a few of these friendships.
But, I have built new friendships in the last few years, which I am sure will last me over the next 10 years or more.
I think long friendships only last when you have realistic expectations from the relationship. If you expect friends to pick up the pieces of your life every other day, the strains are bound to show up. Making time, along with understanding and an agreement to disagree is wholly necessary to making it work for the long term. You also have to factor in the changes in each other’s lives, most important being friends getting married, having children or getting divorced.
If you don’t get along or are not on civil terms with your friend’s spouse, there are bound to be strains in the friendship.
Having children changes the equation of amount of time and attention that you can expect from your friends. So, friendship may hibernate or near so for a few years while children and their responsibilities take precedence.
The most destabilising effect on a friendship comes from divorce. When you accept a friend’s spouse with a open heart, when they get married, divorce takes a toll on your friendship. Your friend may perceive your relationship with ex-spouse as betrayal. But then it takes two to tango. If your friend does not put their past hatred behind and take a balanced view, your friendship is bound to be the casualty, no matter how balanced your efforts and views.
Divorce really does throw a monkey wrench into things. I have to say I have not run into that yet, meaning I have not remained friends with both the husband and wife after a divorce but it seems fraught with difficulties for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned.
Sometimes there are deal breakers in a friendship and it can be really sad when that happens. I always wonder why people cannot agree to disagree and move on within the friendship.
I have a few. I think more will be friends ten years from now. As we get older and settle down more, we seem to gather together people who run in parallel pathways. I am grateful for each friend I have now, have ever had, or who will connect with me further down the road.
Friends are life’s nuggets aren’t they? I have to agree with your assessment, I hadn’t really considered that before but as we age we seem to physically settle in one place as well.
A lot of my friendships have fallen away because those friends have moved to another state for work. It’s hard to maintain those friendships when they’re not face-to-face. And if you can maintain it then that friendship truly is special.
I just talked to my friend of 39 (GASP!) years yesterday–we met in second grade. I think she is the winner of the Who Can Stand Lin the Longest Contest.
I think there are friends and there are Friends (see the capitalization?). Small f friends are those like Simon says, they come into your life for a reason and then move on. Big F friends are those that just happened to tolerate you for a whole lot longer and stay on. Big F friends are few, but they are mighty. I think you only really have like 5 Big F friends, whereas the small f friends are numerous.
Small f friends are your co-workers and the lady you sit with at your son’s baseball games. Big F friends are the ones you call when your mom has pissed you off and your kid did something embarrassing. These are the ones who are in for the long haul.
Get out of here, Lin. 39 YEARS?! Did you two meet in the womb?
Big F friends are mighty, aren’t they? I like that designation between Big F and small f. Man I might have to use that in my NaNo story. Is that cool?
Yep, sucks to be me! :) Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? I moved to Our Fair City in 4th grade. I remember meeting you in 5th grade. You are the only friend I have known that long. 30+ years baby! I have meet Tonya a few times (Hi Tonya!) But I don’t think I have ever met Carmen.
(laughs) Yes ma’am, we are strong warriors after making it through that school. Love that — Our Fair City.
I have super vague memories of creating a dance routine with you and Debb!e Wenzel to the Spinner’s “Workin’ My Way Back to You,” in fifth grade. I seem to recall the three of us wearing a yellow Izod shirt and blue or green sweats.
That’s crazy.
I’ll have to ask Tonya and Carmen if you’ve met. It seems like you would have met Tonya since she’s still in the mitten state, but Carmen is not.
Ha! I remember that dance too! Funny. I always think about it when I hear that song.
Long live the line dance!
Strangely enough this is the other memory I have of Debbie. One day I was at her house and her mother made her rinse some of the trash before she put it in the can because she had a Siamese cat and maybe a dog that would dig in the trash if she didn’t rinse the cans, etc.
And I remember Debbie screaming back at her mom in dissent. I think she said something like, “I hate having a cat!”
Isn’t that a random and odd memory?
Hola Cardio,
Please excuse my weeklong hiatus. Hope all is well with the 50k fiction writing thing, the writer in me envies you right now!
So funny you would randomly chose this topic. The Spaniard..I know I know asked me something like this the other day as he was rambling on about me being guarded. I told him that there are 5 people who see me vulnerable and they are able to do this because they are people who’ve proven to be there no matter what.
These folk are reasoned friends who were purposely put into my life. Granny Franny says that people are in your life for a reason or a season and it is up to you to decide which one. I have decided that The Best Friend, Male Nurse Friend, Model Friend, The Litttle Brother (double whammy family & friend) and Nurse Friend are in it for the long haul. I’ve cried in front of each for separate reasons and they still see me in the same light! I <3 those folks more than anything.
And to your question all have known me more than 10 years and I expect, well in my brother's case he has no choice really, then to stick around for the duration. Where would I be without them….I can't even imagine!
Wayne W. Dyer said it best Friends are God’s way of apologizing for family!
Hey I have no idea why you got stuck in the spam queue. But you’re free now!
I love that your brother is a double whammy — family and friend. That’s awesome that you get along so well. And I also like Mr. Dyer’s assessment. So true.
I moved around too much to have friends for very long. I went to pre-K and kindergarten in Norfolk, VA, then first through fourth grade in northern Virginia, fifth through the first part of eighth grade at the same school in northern Illinois, eight grade at a middle school and then ninth grade at a high school in Nebraska, and then I finished high school back in northern Virginia. So when people say they have friends from kindergarten or second grade, I am amazed and a wee bit envious.
I met my best friend Caroline back in eighth grade when I moved to Nebraska. We never went to the same school, but we attended the same church. We were both part of our teeny-tiny choir (all of five people, usually), but we had to be separated during choir practice because we talked too much. Us?? TALK?? Noooo. Not us! We were thirteen years old and quite giggly. It happens. She’s now married to a sailor too, though she lives in Norfolk, and we talk almost every single day, either over the phone or through texts. She’s the one who knows me the best and still loves me, with all my insecurities and neuroses and everything.
I also have my best friend from high school, Sandy, who moved away after our tenth grade year together. She falls in and out of my life, mainly because she’s so darn busy, but we were able to see each other after 11 years of being apart when I went to San Diego a couple weeks ago — and it was like we’d never been apart. It was so, so lovely.
But I guess my oldest, oldest friend is a boy whose mother and mine went to the same college. Our mothers got us together when we were just 10 years old, and I have a photo to prove it. We’re only nine days apart in age, but I feel much, much older. He’s still at home, living with his mom, unemployed on occasion, and feeling very melancholy about life. We’re still in touch, but it’s an exhausting friendship.
Man I’m sorry to hear about your friend who’s feeling down. It can be exhausting trying to be supportive of someone who’s trying to muddle through.
I’ve always wondered about the kids who move all around — army brats, right? I’ve assumed that they are better able to make new friends because they are forced to by circumstance. Is that true?
I would not do well with a husband in the military; I would become a massive hermit.
Nooooo!!! NAVY brat! And you get used to moving around. Usually I make the most friends when someone forces me outside my comfort zone.
Oops. I meant military in general and if I know anything about you it’s that you’ve been surrounded by the Navy in particular all of your life — as a kid and now as a married woman.
Sorry about that.
I suppose necessity makes us do things we wouldn’t otherwise do, eh?
I moved around like Bluesleepy did. I tried to hang on to my collection of childhood friends via pen pals. But whenever I would reconnect with them face to face at a later date in our lives it was never the same and the friendship just conked out. So therefore I feel that you need to be a certain age in your life before you can sustain that “quilting” friendship you describe. We change too much early on to be able to set down and pick up again long distance. If we go through those changes arm in arm on a regular basis things can last. If we don’t it becomes more difficult, if not impossible. Reconnecting as an adult can happen given the opportunity to spend time and get to know each other – those childhood snippets are just conversation starters. But growing up together – those childhood memories helped to become large chunks of who each of us are.
All of my friends have been a part of my life for over 10 years. I began meeting them in high school when we stopped moving around. I found more in college. And several more through those friends after college, through work and beyond. The only new friends I have are people like you here online through the last year of blogging. I am afraid to meet any online friends because it might be like discovering those childhood pen pals didn’t live up to the old friend in my mind when we met again. But I’m a grown-up now – so maybe it would be better after all.
I have the same gig right now — a lot of my friends are fellow bloggers. But I’m pretty cool with that. I can drink my coffee at the computer and feel like we’re sitting at Starbuck’s.
I can see your point about meeting bloggers in person. I really am a different person face-to-face. I’m much more open here on the internet and much more comfortable, actually.
It would be interesting to meet all these fellow blog buddies some day. Everyone would gather in a function room somewhere and we’d have name tags with our blog names on them. You’d be the wallflower observing everyone from the shadows. I’d be right there with you. That was one thing I learned moving around all the time – take stock of your surroundings first and then make a move when you’ve got a feel for the tone of people.
FYI – I’m doing our Monday Movie Meme post this week on your suggestion for life changing flicks. Thanks for the suggestion!
Man you nailed that, Bumbles. Yes, I’d be hanging out, physically leaning against the wall. My body language is really a blinking, neon sign as to what is going on inside my head.
I like that take on hanging back — it’s a tactical move and not my insecurity. So there.
Sweet! I’m on my way to your pad to read about the movies. Hoo-ahh!
(Bonus points if you can tell me what movie that comes from and, AND, who delivered it.)
Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman.
Hoo-boy. I take after my mom, who was very social and very loyal — hence, lots and lots of people on the Christmas card list. I stay in touch with my childhood best friend, F — my absolute soulmate/BFF from those days, we met before kindergarten. My penpal C from the UK I’ve had for almost 30 years (you know about him). One person from high school (not counting Facebook reconnections) — high school was not a good time. College, lordie. About 15 people, most of them from the same floor of the same dorm. The rest, I’ve collected from work, through my various creative communities, through acting and travel.
I guess I don’t make too many friendships that don’t have long-term potential. I’ll bet in 2019 that 90% of the people I am friends with will still be my friends.
That’s so amazing that you have had the same penpal for close to 30 YEARS!! That’s so great.
Every time I visit your blog and your Flickr page I’m actually envious of those real life friendships you have. I would love to hang with you as your quiet friend out there in Cali who always tagged along on those outings enjoying your friends.
You’d definitely be the glue and your other friends would ask, “Hey is Becky’s Quiet Friend going to be there? She doesn’t say much but once in a while she makes me laugh.”
And you’d go to bat for me and then they would grow to love me sort of like the silent Other Brother Daryl on Newhart.
Ummm. One. Ish. Except she’s now moved down to Georgia and I never get to see her. Or speak to her. And we don’t really even email much. Hell, I rarely saw her or spoke to her when she lived in town. But she’s one of those “sisterish” friends that will always be important.
The rest of ‘em are newer and I’ve only met them online but all are VERY important. You’re the only one who is “real” as well as “imaginary”, on account of our face-to-face meeting last March. :-D
I have to say I do not have a good friend who lives physically near me and who I see on a regular basis. Karen lives the closest but we’re still far enough apart and life just gets in the way, doesn’t it? It’s hard to keep that stuff up if you don’t live in the same city or if your kid doesn’t go to the same school, etc.
I love that we’ve actually breathed the same air for a short amount of time. You skinny betch.
I have to admit I am very lame in the friends department. Growing up, I was one of those kids that had 1 or 2 close friends and that was it. My sister was the exact opposite with hordes of riends, but they seemed more superficial and changed frequently. I just can’t seem to emotionally mantain too many friends. I have been in touch recently with my best friend from high school trough Facebook, but that is it. We moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I went to a few elementary schools, 1 middle school and 3 high schools. My husband graduated with kids that he had known from kindergarten, and we live in the same area so we are always running into people he knew growing up. I don’t think I would even recognize or remember anyone I went to school with.
My 1 dear, close friend is Suzie, who always comments on my blog. We have lived apart for many years, but text each other daily and talk frequently. we met about 20 yrs ago when we worked in the same restaurant. She was the hostess and I was a waitress. I did not like her initially cuz I thought she was giving other servers “better” tables than me. We still laugh about that. We ended up being room mates in college, than lived togther for a while after college. I know we will be friends 10 years from now, and probably 30 yrs from now.
My other best friend I haven’t even talked to in a year, althoug he is very important to me and always will be. I suck at keeping in touch with most people. I am going to call him this weekend!
I was exactly like you growing up, but I’ve remained the same way — just a handful of friends.
That’s great that your friendship with Suzie started out with the Assigning Tables Incident. (whispers that would be a great blog post.)
I would say 7 close friends, that I still speak to today. I like to keep in touch with all my friends though. Two of them I’ve known since kindergarten – we grew up together. Well they grew up, I just got older.
These same 7 will be important to me 10 years from now and 2 more friends that I picked up at work. I’m not giving them up for nothing. Yeah I picked them up off the ground.
Wow, seven close friends is huge, Natural. Honestly. I had two chicks I picked up from work but, alas, I did not keep it going although I’ve been thinking about one of them for a while.
I think I’m going to have to find her on Facebook. Gah, what a cliche — Facebook.
All my best friends, I’ve had at least 10 years. two since first grade, one since freshman year of hs, one college, and several from my early jobs in my 20s. None of them live in the same place as me! My other really good friend moved a couple of years ago and we just had our 10 yr. “friendaversary”. Not that we did anything – but maybe it’s time to cash in some frequent flier miles! It’s weird – more than one or two are lefty sagittarians (as am I) I’ve always thought that was interesting :)
Hey Margo, welcome to the Cardiogirl Empire. I love your name — Margo! I might have to use that name in my NaNo project. Is that cool? The character will be cool, I promise.
Wow, you have quite a few best friends for a decade. That you’ve been able to maintain the friendship as you matured. I had one friend from junior high who was truly a friend of circumstances.
As we grew older our personalities just really diverged and then we sort of ended it mutually. Wow, that end was 11 years ago. That’s wild.
I really want to be a Lefty Sagittarian now that you mentioned it (damn that’s hard to spell — gracias spell check.)
p.s. Keep on truckin’ on the 50K goal. I’m now watchin’ you as a buddy.