The book of questions, Volume 64
Friday is The Book of Questions Day around these parts.
Today’s question comes from the aptly titled book “The Book of Questions” by Gregory Stock, Ph.D.
And here it is, Question 184.
When you are given a compliment do you usually acknowledge it or suggest that you really do not deserve it?
Sweep the Leg. This is one of the issues I am working on in therapy. Seriously.
If you give me a compliment (just wrote comment — Freudian slip anyone?) I will give you a list of no less than three reasons why I am not worthy of said compliment.
That is so sad and pathetic when viewed in black and white. Let’s see if it looks any better written in maroon.
If you give me a compliment I will give you a list of no less than three reasons why I am not worthy of said compliment.
Nope, still looks lame. But I’m working on that.
I’ve learned an interesting technique to try to change my response and I’m attempting to employ it on a regular basis.
I’m supposed to look at my normal response of refuting the compliment as a negative judgment call on the person who gave me the compliment.
For example:
Barb: “I have to say you are very amusing in person, Cardiogirl. And your low tops are really snazzy.”
Cardiogirl: “Hey Barb your opinion is wrong. Your powers of observation are really jacked up and skewed. I’m amazed you’ve made it this far in life with that world view.”
If I actually said that, Barb would probably beat my ass with a wooden spoon. And since I prefer non-contact conversations I am trying to graciously say, “Thank you.”
Tags: Things that are jacked up, Things that make me cringe
I have noticed that about you…pay you a compliment and get three reasons why you don’t deserve it back…that’s about right :)
I do the same thing – though I don’t have that OCP (Obsessive Compulsive Personality) thing about three times – just once. Usually just a rueful shake of my head.
I have to say, Steve, that I actually took pride in the fact that my three items qualified me for OCP membership.
So let us make a pact: we shall say thank you to a compliment and then dis the person silently in our heads.
I find it easier to accept a compliment when I look at the truth behind the flattery. For example, my boss might praise me for getting a display in store looking nice. If he says that it’s obvious that I worked hard, and that’s true, then I accept that. If I worked hard, I worked hard, no matter who says it. I’m lying to myself and to him if I say “no I didn’t”. In fact, I’m calling him a liar.
If he comes along and says I worked hard when I didn’t, that’s a different situation. In that instance, accepting the compliment would be the lie.
If he comes along and says the display looks nice when by any objective assessment it looks like a gang of three-year-olds have been clambering all over it, then he’s the liar.
If he says the display looks nice, then perhaps he thinks it does. I can’t get inside his brain to argue with him and say that he doesn’t think it’s nice. I might not think it’s nice, but that doesn’t affect whether he thinks it’s nice. I might disagree, but a disagreement between the two of us doesn’t mean that either of us is wrong. It’s a matter of opinion, no a matter of fact.
I find it helpful to think of it not being a matter of my worth, but of how true the statement is. If the sky is blue, the sky is blue. That doesn’t change on whether I feel worthy of the sky being blue or not. It simply is.
If someone is trying to flatter me, and arse-creep, then I tend to smile and nod, and disregard what they have to say. And then I add them to my mental file of “people who are to be avoided”. Pure flattery is pretty easily spotted.
And it’s nice sometimes to get honest human validation for a job I feel I’ve done well. That’s a basic human need. Try to deny that need and you just make yourself miserable.
Does this make sense?
Makes sense to me Solomon. I think it might help me as well. Thanks!
@ Solomon I can see that logic but I still think it involves a bit of a judgment call in certain instances.
And it’s nice sometimes to get honest human validation for a job I feel I’ve done well.
What if you’re a perfectionist and the job is truly 89% well done but you are focusing on the 11% deficit and you deem that as insincere flatter? The point here is that this example does involve a judgment call and I am playing devil’s advocate.
If the job is half-assed everyone is going to know that. But I do agree with basically everything you’ve mentioned and I feel the same way.
@Buf (bows down and adds a hand flourish) I concur.
If the job is 89% well done, then focus on 89% of the compliment. That’s perfectly allowable and acceptable, because you yourself have valued the job as 89% done.
I think that’s what you mean?
Also, nothing is ever perfect. Look closely enough, and you can always find something wrong with anything. Why strive for something that doesn’t exist?
Yes, that’s what I mean. It is hard for me to let go of the 11% but I am working on it. And I suppose if I embrace the 89% I can go whole hog and embrace that with 100%.
Oy math. I hate math.
I’m going to try to see the cup as half full.
So, you actively keep to the 11%, but you actively throw away the 89%? What is it about the 89% that’s so important to get rid of?
Hmm, I almost think I need a flowchart to explain this.
Yes. If I deem that the job I did was 89% accurate and 11% lacking, I will obsess on the 11%. Once again, in black and white that’s messed up and even I can see that.
But I am trying to focus on the 89% instead. And of that 89% I’m going to go whole hog on loving every percent of it.
I’m just one big growth area.
There’s nothing wrong with being a growth area. It’s part of what makes life interesting. :)
Have you considered CBT? There’s a section in the For Dummies book available at Google Books that deals with the situation quite helpfully.
Believe it or not, I’m actually practicing CBT with my therapist. It has been very helpful and there have been some more insistent issues for me to work on, but eventually I want to get around to this one. I still think I’ll check that book out, it looks interesting.
Wow these comments are getting thin! :D
I found the book really helpful. I’ve still to do a single exercise, but merely knowing that I’m Mind Reading or whatever helps, because I can then think “how do I do [other thing]?”. It makes it nice and clear too. I have another CBT book and it’s really complicated.
Good luck with your therapy. :)
These are gettin’ mighty tiny, aren’t they? I do find it very helpful to throw stuff out like this on the blog just to get another person’s perspective and to get ideas on how to cope.
Thanks for your input, Solomon.
This is something I’ve been working on over the years. Overall, I’ve definitely gotten better at just accepting the compliment with a smile and thank you. However, I think I’ve been backsliding recently. My two biggest problem areas are comments about my achievements and my appearance.
Personally, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much of anything in my life. On paper and to an objective observer, I know it seems like I’ve accomplished a lot. My problem is that I am the only one who realizes exactly how little effort I’ve put into these things. Because I know I haven’t actually done anything to deserve their praise I have a tendency to try to play down my achievements, etc. It’s really annoying to others and my therapist is always on my case about it.
In regards to my appearance, since it is a fact that I am extremely obese, I have a really hard time accepting any positive comments regarding my appearance. No matter how dressed up, put together, etc I am, I always know I would look better if I was at a reasonable weight. As you might guess, I try to use humor to avoid the compliment but my humor is really just a cover for putting myself down instead. For example, if I’m dressed up and someone tells me I look nice, especially if they gush about it, I’ve been known to respond with a “What? do I look THAT bad normally?”
I think I’m going to try apply GG Becky’s suggestion of swapping words and taking a bow to these problems as well. :D
By using the word therapist you have really made me more comfortable. Amen on working on the “growth area.”
That’s a really interesting take on your achievements — knowing how much effort you’ve put in regarding the results. I always feel like I should have worked harder or if I had worked harder I could have achieved whatever it was.
I see it more as a slacking effort meaning it would have been extremely difficult for me to give more but I should have. Not that it was easy and I know I could have put more effort, does that make sense?
I guess I’m basically saying you seem to have the ability with ease and I could have the ability if I really struggled for a long time.
I am a sucker for compliments. I love them and have no hesitation about saying a grateful Thank you. If my client says, Wow, I love what you have done with this interior, I am so grateful. Everyone loves someone to appreciate what they do, especially professionally. It is such a boost.
But someone who is just sucking up to me for something, that is a turnoff. I don’t know how to handle that. So I just try to shrug them off. And in today’s society where “You scratch my back, so I can scratch yours”, I just don’t fit. People who name drop, tell you how great you are without your having done anything, what does one say to them.
The problem with compliments today is that so often you do not know if the other person means it or not. That is why the hesitation to accept a compliment, which may be well deserved.
But, Cardiogirl, you are one hell of a gal. Writing 5 posts a week, raising 3 kids and also keeping up with the soaps on TV. How do you manage it? And this compliment is genuine, so just say a Thank you.
Wow sanjay, how confident of you. I’m seriously not being sarcastic. When I read how you take a compliment it seems like the normal way of reacting.
Definitely insincere flattery can be spotted a mile away (I think.) And that sucks. I guess I could still just say, “Thanks.”
Now regarding your compliment (gulps) Thank you sanjay.
This is something I’ve been working on and think I’ve gotten pretty good at. A gracious “thank you” can be the hardest thing to say . . . especially without a few addendums. But I know how annoying it is to ME when I compliment someone and they in turn give me a list of reasons why my compliment is WRONG. So I try to shut up. But it’s hard sometimes.
That is a very interesting point, JD. It’s like I have a double standard for compliments. I, too, am annoyed when I give a sincere compliment and the other person tells me it’s really nothing to be impressed with.
So that’s a helpful thing to remember.
CG, I think you are an awesome writer. And there’s no way you can excuse yourself out of that one!
(turns pink) Thank you beanie.
I used to be like that, but it was more because I was always suspicious of everyone. “Why are they sucking up? What do they want?” I’ve since learned to simply smile and say, “Thank you”, which works for me.
You could experiment, though (this is fun with perfect strangers, but probably easier for me, since I’m always in a retail environment), by GIVING random compliments to people, just to see how other people handle it. “Wow, I love your jacket! Where’d you get it?”
Pssst – for those in retail, if the next person in line at your counter is obviously about to bitch you out, sneaking that jacket compliment in before they can open their mouth works wonders. You’re welcome.
That’s an interesting experiment, Les. I usually don’t give a compliment unless I really mean it because I want to sound sincere, but I suppose I could find something I do like and then compliment that.
It will be interesting to see how other people respond. I’m gonna try that today. I have a Girl Scout training class at 9:30 at some chick’s house and Google Maps tells me that house is pretty damn lavish.
Les –
I’ve tried a similar experiment. I try to smile at random people to see if they will smile back. Once in awhile I will get some who really looked pissed off to smile, it’s a great feeling. I may have to try to move up to the random compliments.
That’s surprising that some people scowl when presented with an unexpected smile. I guess that’s an interesting litmus test right there.
As an interesting aside… my mother always told me the trick to getting along with people that don’t like you right off (high school kids and high school teachers is what started this), is to PRETEND these people are already your best pals. “Hi Mrs. So-and-So! Did you have a good weekend? Blah, blah-de-blah, blah…” Mom swore that said not-so-nice person would either come around eventually (sometimes happened), or be driven nuts by the behaviour but not be able to complain. Really… what are they gonna say? “She’s being FRIENDLY to me! Make her stop!”
I still do this. Can’t be sure who actually likes me now, and who thinks I’m an idiot, but it makes life “funner”.
That’s an interesting take, Les. I do like the idea of a punk thinking, ‘But she’s being friendly to me! What a shetbag!’
Just for the record, I like you and not because you’re nice to me. But now my paranoia is on and I wonder if you actually like me or if you’re just being nice to me because of what yo mama said.
No – I only do the over-the-top pretend-to-be-buddy-buddy thing with those that seem to despise me. You don’t, do you…? Despise me, I mean? Cuz that would suck.
Um, you’re makin’ my half of the brain hurt.
Let’s take each other at face value and work under the assumption that our friendship is actually genuine.
Otherwise my brain is going to shrivel up pretty soon and I’m only working with half to begin with, remember?
Wow, this is a great question, one that reveals a lot about a person with the answer! Great pick for this Friday!
CG, why do you feel like you have to refuse the compliment?
I do both. Say thank you and then come up with a quick quip about why it’s undeserved. I’ve always thought that when most people protest a compliment it is feigned so that they can dig for more insistence that the compliment is true. For me it has always been about being embarrassed. Once upon a time I took a personality test, who knows which one, that revealed that I was the kind of person who doesn’t like being praised in public or having attention drawn to them. This was a very true characterization. It makes me feel like nervous when people compliment me because then I have to think of the appropriate thing to say. It’s easiest to be self-deprecating and reveal why I think the comment is truly undeserved.
I can relate to what you write about trying to change your response. For me, that’s just smiling and saying thank you. It is painful to do, though, I tell you.
Thanks Heather, it is really interesting to see how other people handle compliments. I do think there are a lot of people who struggle with accepting them so I agree that the answer is very telling.
Hmm. Why do I feel like I have to refuse it?
I think it comes down to a basic lack of self esteem/confidence and I also feel like the things I do are easily achieved. So I then feel as if I have to deconstruct what I did to show the other person that he or she could accomplish the same thing.
I also feel uncomfortable being in the spotlight. I’m a good wingman, but leader? That’s uncomfortable for me because I’m putting myself out there waiting to be judged.
This is just eerie. I wrestled with this problem a little last night.
1. I’m not as good because I don’t weigh 135lbs anymore, but I’m working on feeling as pretty at 165 lbs. Dom left a compliment on my blog, and that made me a little shifty, which was a new thing for me. I’m nipping that in the bud, right here, right now.
I was taught to just automatically say, “Why thank you!” or “That’s so nice of you to say, I really appreciate that.” Automatic. Then appreciate it if you can later.
I’m with Sanjay, I love compliments.
There’s a comedian that has a bit something like, “Women need three things. Food, water and compliments.” It’s Chris Rock, I think. My husband compliments me before we leave the house or we could be late and that’s something we truly hate. Luckily, I have one those awesome men that can help me pick out clothes. Epitome of my decision-making issues. That’s pretty much all I think about in the shower.
It’s interesting that you were actually taught to accept and reply positively to a compliment. I would say I haven’t actually taught my kids that, however I do tell them “Say thank you” or the ever-popular, “What do you say?”
“Thank you.”
But I wonder what they will pick up from my response to a compliment.
Hmm, that right there is enough to change my response to a positive one. I want my kids to feel confident and I actually try to appear confident to them so they will learn that by osmosis, you know what I mean?
Actually you have the perfect therapist in your kids. Anything you are concerned about passing on to them probably is something you need to work on for yourself as well. If the kids are the motivation to start with, its ok. Eventually though, you will likely start doing this more positive behaviors for yourself or because how they make you feel.
I’m with Buf. No one said being confident and portraying confidence were the same thing.
Yes, I was taught. I guess you could say I was brought up in a very social environment. It’s not like I was a deb and we didn’t have cotillion in my hometown, but many things like that are taught explicitly.
@Buf It really is amazing how your children mirror your own behavior. Sometimes I see stuff I like and sometimes I see stuff I don’t.
@Liz Does that mean there was a cotillion, just not in your hometown?
You’re going to plotz when you find out about this tradition.
A cotillion is for the training and presentation of debutantes. They’re in most cities down South. They are very, very elaborate and expensive and take months of preparation. My family did not have near enough money to present me even if I had been inclined and I’m not good at the “Texas dip.”
Wow, Liz. This happens all over the South?
And now I must Google Texas dip, I assume it’s not a food item.
Lastly, just for giggles, would you have wanted one if money were no object?
I would have if I had been in that circle. It’s expected. It would be embarrassing if your family were socialiteish and for whatever reason you were not chosen to be a deb. Shame, guilt, the horror. And it would have been a tad difficult coming up with an escort because I didn’t have much family and most boyfriends refuse.
The balls are in most cities. Dallas being the grandfather of debutante balls. Ours was called the Cotton Ball which I always thought was odd because cotton isn’t grown anywhere near Chattanooga.
And seriously, did you look up the Texas Dip? Do you know how hard that is to accomplish in heels?
Wow, that’s some heavy shame there.
Just saw a YouTube clip of Louise doing the Texas dip at the Waldorf Astoria last December.
Um. Damn. Na. Tion. I wouldn’t try that in low tops, much less a shoe with a heel. My pits are sweating just thinking about that.
I hate compliments from people who know me. Random people I don’t mind. Go figure.
For instance, my father pretty much can’t tell me if he’s proud of me, liked my show, thinks I look good, or did something well – I’ll deflect, change the subject, or whatever. Even the fiancee can’t compliment me too much – though I will take the ones about my looks from him most of the time. I think this is because he’s more adept at getting me to laugh before hand, or poking gently at my insecurities (like my height). Random person I’m auditioning for: “Well done, and we love your hair!” Me: “THANKS!”
I, too, am getting better at taking compliments, but they often bug me.
That’s interesting Rebecca.
I wonder if that’s because you really know the person and his personality so you’re more critical of the compliment because you’re trying to analyze it for authenticity.
Or maybe that’s a load of bull, but it sounds good to me.
I’m pretty generous with compliments — with friends, family, total strangers — because it’s often an unkind world, an you never know how saying a kind thing might just cheer a person. That said, I never compliment someone unless I really, really mean it: if I don’t totally love your taste in shoes or sincerely covet your luscious mane or think you’re one badass writer, I’m not gonna tell you so.
So in that regard, a compliment is a small gift, and refusing to accepting it is, in a sense, rejecting a gift from me.
Example: I have a friend who hates birthdays, holidays — anything that involves the offering or acceptance of a present — because he’s cheap, and because he has a hard time receiving a token of someone’s appreciation of him. And in exactly the same way, he’s TERRIBLE at accepting compliments: he’ll either shrug them off, or make a joke out of them.
I think the unwillingness to accept a compliment earnestly offered goes beyond a lack of confidence; it lacks a generosity of spirit. “Here is my honest, well-intended verbal gift — all I ask is your gracious acceptance and that you take it to heart.”
So here goes, CG: You crank 5 out (!!!!) superbly written posts a week, hold your family and sanity together, and still manage to have a life. Right now, you’re prepping to write a 50K-word novel in 31 days in *addition* to the previous sentence. In my eyes, and in contrast to my own writing-output half-assedness, you mother freaking RAWK.
Now put that in your pipe and smoke it. ;-)
I haven’t heard the phrase “Now put that in your pipe and smoke it,” in forEVER! It’s something I say (must be our “generation” eh?) but I don’t hear it often from other people.
So I laughed and then really considered the statement.
(Opens mouth, then stops.) Thank you Tracy.
I usually act all humble and throw in a self-deprecating joke. I need to stop this really.
You’re preachin’ to the choir, dude.
I don’t accept compliments well either, even when they are legitimate, well earned compliments. Maybe it has to do with a perceived lack of insincerity? That’s not to say that all people who compliment me are insincere. No, that’s not true. I got the low top. But some people are really good at the back handed compliment and I hate those. Those are done to subtly (sometimes not so subtly) make a dig at you. When I was a kid I had an Aunt who whenever I saw her (which was just for the major holidays) would compliment me on losing weight, when I in fact had gained a few pounds. I learned to tune her out when she did that.
I use the term jellyfish for any person (B*tch) that doles out backhanded comments. I have a cousin who says almost every time I see her, “I would have never thought to wear…, but it totally looks good on you.” or “I just love your new dress, but I’m not sure about what you’re doing with your hair these days.” You don’t see it coming and all of a sudden, BAM! Jellyfish sting.
I’ll be straight forward. Excellent low top placement, Lola!
@Lola Way. To. Go. Lola! Excellent execution, thanks for playing.
I hate those shifty compliments. If the other person is really good at it, it will take me awhile to realize what he or she said was really a veiled put down. And I seriously hate that.
I, too, had a bitchy aunt who was like that. But I could always tell, immediately, when she was doing it. Betch.
I have now realized (30 years later) that she is really insecure and evil and she was trying to make herself feel better by putting me down.
@Liz I like that phrase Jellyfish. Nice usage.
That’s exactly what she was doing. I go all “urban” and say, “She just be jealous.” and I feel better.
That’s great! I shall put that in my back pocket and pull it out when necessary.
Self-deprecating comments are the only way to deal with compliments. Or at least that’s what my mother taught me. Isn’t that how we’re supposed to respond? Dumbass (me not you)
(laughs) Your mom sounds like me. We need to change that. (Refrains from calling herself a dumb ass/dumbass as well.)
I wondered if you’d correct my spelling. teehee
I just can’t help myself, LJ. You know I have some OCD tendencies, right?
whoa, whoa, whoa. i feel weird when people compliment me, BUT here’s the thing. when the compliment is about something I KNOW i do well, in my head i have a big ego about it. i’m like yeah that’s right, thank you. i’m proud of me.
however when the compliment is on something where i feel i don’t measure up, then i downplay it. i think the compliment, for me, is how i feel about what is being complimented on.
i guess i have body issues, not sure why, but if someone gives me a compliment, i will say are you kidding or show them my belly. i’m not happy with my mid-section, so don’t comment on anything else until that part is straight.
but tell me something i know i’m good at, (i’ll save you the “for examples”), then i will eat it up and pat myself on the back. in my head. thought i would tell the truth here.
so you mean if someone says you’re an awesome writer, you’re thinking, no, i’m not that great or i could be better? i doubt that, (can you really be a better than you are now?) you have to agree in your head, right? but if they say cg, you look nice today and you’re not happy with your appearance because you have a pimple or your weight is not ideal, then that flaw, the one flaw you see makes you discount the whole package?
i forget what my point was. oh for me it depends on what the compliment is on and how i feel about it. some things i do well, i take those compliments…other things i am always trying to improve on and i won’t accept those compliments…well i do, but i have to add a little asterisk or footnote. in my head.
gotta go. later cg!
I love that you posture in your head when you agree with the compliment and I thoroughly enjoy the fact that you share that here in the Lounge.
Sadly, yes. The one flaw that I see usually makes me discount the whole package. It’s that pesky all or nothing thing. But I’m starting to realize that 88% of it can be good and it’s time to ignore the remaining 12%.
Those percentages are pretty good. If I had an 88% chance of winning big on a $20 bet I’d do it. Yes, you know that $20 is a lot for me.
So thank you, Natural, that’s a good bingo.
Hola CG,
You already know I think you’re a rock star and quite frankly that is the highest compliment I can give. Aside from the you look fierce chiquitta and well I haven’t seen you in person so I can’t tell you that you look fierce so you’re a rock star, point blank period. You can’t refute the absolute truth. Oh and you’re a kick ass writer!!!
Now me I am pretty decent at accepting compliments I think. (I remember reading somewhere that women are inherently bad at accepting compliments because we are raised to be modest and not boast about our accomplishments…I could of course be making this up because I have no source for that information right now.) Sometimes I can be a bit of a sarcastic deflector though. For instance if someone says that they like my hair when I know it’s time to get a trim or touch up my color I give them the o_0 (stank eye) and say something like really I haven’t been to my stylist in weeks guess I should pocket the money I was just about to pay her. Normally folks laugh at stuff like this because I am a bit of a smart ass anyway so they never know if I’m being serious or just playing.
Thank you Faith.
I swear I’ve seen/read the same thing regarding modesty, etc. So I buy that explanation without seeing the research data.
I love that stank eye and the fact that there’s a character equivalent to represent it in writing.
I’ve heard the same thing regarding women and compliments. I think there is something to it. Also, in regards to weight &/or appearance compliments, I think women are reluctant to accept them in part due to how much emphasis society places on beauty (especially female beauty). With it being perceived as so important, women become hyper aware of their flaws, real and even imagined/perceived flaws.
I absolutely believe the weight/appearance issue is fueled by the media.
I’m good at this one, I pretty much always accept with a gracious “thank you.” It gets easier when you put yourself in the complimenter’s shoes and realise it’s much more comfortable for them if you do that.
Recently though I have received a few compliments on how quickly I have shrunk back down after giving birth. I find these hard to accept and hear myself saying, “I didn’t do anything, it just happened!”
Those last 5lb apparently aren’t just going to fall off, though. So if someone compliments me when I make it back to my pre-pregnancy weight I will definitely say “thank you” and possibly even “kind of you to notice, I worked my arse off to get here.” (I have a feeling I’m going to have to work my arse off.)
That is an excellent point, Cate. It’s much easier to do when you see it from the other person’s view. I have to work on remembering that when I’m on the receiving end.
Oy the pregnancy weight. I did have to work my ass off, literally and figuratively, to get the last bit off. Still got my nose to the grindstone from the last pregnancy.
But I am making strides. I guess literally and figuratively on that one too, since my strides are counted on the elliptical machine!
I would also beat your ass with a wooden spoon, but only because you wrote “you’re opinion” when what you clearly meant was “your opinion.”
Don’t take it personally. I actually carry a wooden spoon with me to beat people who use incorrect grammar. It’s a lifestyle choice. Don’t judge me.
Pat, my ass needs to be beaten with a wooden spoon. I could explain why that happened, but really I did not edit closely enough and I really am embarrassed.
Gah. I hate it when that happens, but I hate it more when it’s out there unchecked.
Duly noted, changed and appreciated. I would ask if I could also join the brigade of beating asses with wooden spoons, but now I am really feeling chagrined.
I give and receive compliments equally. I don’t accept them gracefully, LOL.
When I was a teenager and someone told me I looked good I just said “I know!” Now I say “Thank you!” and move on, unless I’m feeling that I look especially good and then I might say “I know, right? Amazing what some mascara can do!” (or whatever).
Sometimes I put makeup on just for the compliments I know I’ll get, LOL.
I love that — I know, right? Right, jack!
You’re right; I hadn’t thought of it this way before. If you refuse a compliment, you’re basically saying the compliment-er is either lying or not very astute.
I argued when I was younger, or said, “really? I didn’t think….” Now I just say thank you and mull it over later. Or not, if I think it was totally true LOL.
It’s so much easier to look at it that way (dissing the complimenter) but it’s still difficult for me even when I do look at it that way.
There’s always something to work on isn’t there?
See if it looks better in maroon? OMG LOVE.
If someone compliments some ITEM of mine, I find I can turn the compliment a little bit so that I accept it ON BEHALF OF the item (so it doesn’t feel so uncomfortably about ME). So, like, if someone says they like my purse, which they do A LOT because it is an awesome and eye-catching purse, I say, “Oh, thanks, me too! I thought it wouldn’t go with ANYTHING, but actually it goes with EVERYTHING!” See, I am praising the purse as if it is not connected to me, as if I and the other person are just both admiring IT, rather than ME for having it.
Now that’s an awesome idea, Swistle. Incidentally, welcome to the Cardiogirl Empire; have a look around. Jeeves is waiting patiently to attend to your needs.
I do like the idea of sort of stepping outside of it and agreeing with the complimenter. Although it could get dicey depending upon the item we’re talking about, i.e., my smile, let’s say.
Thanks! My teeth really are quite fabulous and bright white, aren’t they? So I’ll have to apply the method while being careful on the delivery.
Oh God, yeah. I’m the same as you. But I’ve had to learn to control myself some because of my job. I meet a lot of people who have read my stories and say “I love your column!” Mostly I think it’s because they’re meeting me in a professional setting and the column has something to do with what they want.
But it doesn’t matter. I have to take the compliment because I’ve found it’s annoying and awkward for me to say I think it sucks and I hate it.
Anyway, learning to accept those compliments has helped me to be more gracious with the other ones I get. Even though my first instinct is to say, WTF crack are you taking?
I have to say, the idea of you replying, “I think it sucks and I hate it!” sounds like something out of a very funny movie. I could see Jack Nicholson saying that.